You only get one chance at life. That’s the theory, right? You get one chance, one go around and when it’s over it’s over. So many people waste that chance, sitting behind a desk, doing the mundane day after day after day... they’re alive but are they ever truly living if that’s how they spend their days? Not in my estimation they’re not. I know I’m privileged; I have money, I have an opportunity to be seen on a grand stage week after week, the chance to do what millions would love to. I fly around the country, fly around the world, living the sort of life that only fortunate people will ever get to experience... and until recently, I guess I took that for granted. I did, I took for granted just how much life has given me, how lucky I’ve been to end up in this position, with everything I have. Not anymore. It’s part and parcel of the business I guess, taking for granted just how amazing your life truly is and how lucky you’ve been, but it’s taken everything that’s happened over the past few months to truly make me realise that I do have a lot to be thankful for that I never really took stock of until recently. The fucked up fact that life is short and it leaves you wondering, you know? It leaves you questioning whether you’ve done the best you can, whether you’ve made the right calls. In the past, I don’t think I did. I know I didn’t. You could say I’ve had a slap in the face from reality if you want to look at it that way, but now I’ve reached the point that I have, I have to admit that I look back on some of the decisions I made and I feel guilty. I feel guilty for the choices I made, the things I’ve done. Fuck hindsight, it’s nothing but trouble...
That’s the problem with having a reputation for being a jackass I guess... you wrong all these people, you make fun of them, hurt them. Sooner or later, your conscience presents you with the bill for it. With a pretty fucking big gratuity in my case, believe me. I hate the idea of turning into someone does the whole introspection thing, someone who starts analysing every single decision they’ve made over the course of their whole life... admittedly, not as much as I hate the idea of becoming someone who panders to the fans looking for their adoration, but I still hate it. As for the latter of those two; I may have gone through some changes recently but I know one thing for sure... I’m not going to turn into one of those guys, no fucking way! I won’t be telling those fucks what they want to hear, or what I think they want to hear, in order to get them to love me, to buy my merchandise. Merch sales having spikes recently anyway, so I’m not concerned about that, but I don’t need to try and package myself as someone who cares just to get over, you know? And yet, in a weird way, the morons at home... they’re on side anyway. And that’s an odd fucking feeling for me, given that I haven’t actively tried to make that the case. Maybe it just took them a while to realise that I really am a funny motherfucker or whatever? Some people are slower than others, we all know that. Either way, I don’t want to let their view of me dictate what I say or do, that isn’t my style. That said... well, if it ends up being a bi-product of my sort of shift in targets rather than attitude, then so be it you know?
The question for me though, is whether my attitude has influenced my behaviour, or whether my behaviour has influenced my attitude. I can honestly say that right now, I’m not sure which way around it is; did I start acting like a dick to the right people before I started to believe I was in the wrong, or did I start thinking I was making mistakes and ultimately changed the way I behaved with people? Your guess is as good as mine as far as that one is concerned, and honestly, I’m trying not to think too hard about the answer because it’ll probably just give me a fucking headache. Regardless of which way around it is though, I can’t say that the change has gone unnoticed by me... or most people around me given some of the reactions I’ve had. I guess the simplest way of explaining it though, is that I’m still achieving exactly what I set out to achieve when I first crawled out from under the rock I was hiding beneath; I came back to the business and to SCW with only one target in mind... to make a name for myself. It is All About The Name, after all. And I’d like to think I’ve still managed to do just that despite the fact that I’ve changed tactics over the last few weeks... and now that I’m making new and interesting friends, I think it’s fair to say that the opportunity to truly make people stand up and take notice is there for the taking. And that’s what I’ll do... as soon as a few loose ends are tied up nice and neat with a bow...
Cleveland, Ohio
14th February, 2018
You’re never too old or too proud to make mistakes. Isn’t that the fucking truth, huh? Funny thing about that, sometimes it takes hindsight to realise you’ve fucked up, you have to look objectively at a situation afterwards to realise you were wrong. I’m an arrogant jackass most of the time, I don’t always admit when I’m wrong even if I know I am... I have an unbelievable amount of self-assurance, I always believe I’m on the right path and sometimes I’m stubborn to the point that I won’t change direction even if I end up knowing the one I’m taking is the wrong one. It’s one of my few faults... not that I have many, but that one I will admit to. I’d claim I was perfect but we all know that perfection doesn’t exist. Some of us are close, admittedly, but close isn’t quite close enough, you know? Ha. So yeah, I’ve made mistakes. I’ve made bad choices, based decision on stupid judgement, I’ve fucked up my fair share basically... but I’d like to think that it’s never too late to rectify that, too. I mean, look at things with me and Dave; that right there is proof that I can admit I’m wrong and do something about it, right?! Okay, so given the choice, I’d have just bailed more than likely, instead of confronting the issue regardless of learning how misguided I was in my initial beliefs... but at the same time I’d like to think that everything worked out for the best once I came clean and proved I wasn’t blowing smoke up his ass about who I was.
That’s one of the differences between being a man and a boy I guess... or woman and girl, I’m not being sexist with it. You can either run from your decisions or you can face them head on. If I’d run, my life would be so drastically different than it now is... Amy, the new house in Nola, my rejuvenated career, none of that stuff would have happened if I hadn’t faced up to the fact that I was clearly wrong about my brother. Imagine if I’d made similar mistakes over the course of my own life and run from each and every one of them too... it doesn’t really bear thinking about, no pun intended. I prefer to look at my life though as if it’s some gradual evolution; you start each day a little different to the person you were the day before, a little older, maybe a little wiser, you have new experiences, new memories made, life goes on but you don’t have to look at it as another day closer to death, but another day of experiencing life! My life has changed dramatically as of late, I can’t deny that... but with it, I’ve found that I’m changing as a person too, and while that’s a little fucking odd in a way, part of me doesn’t mind the guy I’m becoming in a way. Okay, so I had a lot of fun in the early days of my SCW run, from arriving at Taking Hold of the Flame, the stuff with Konrad and all that crap... but I mean, come on. Did I expect that to go on forever? What was I going to do, continue to chase after Konrad every damn week because I don’t understand his way of thinking? I’m a jackass, but even I have my limits. Besides... at times, things happen to give you a new perspective, you know? I’m not saying that I’m ashamed of anything I did, not in that exact wording anyway... but given where I’m at now, there are things I’d perhaps do differently. Back then, all I cared about was making an impact, making people recognise the name, give me the respect that I pretty much believed I deserved...
...maybe I was a little too arrogant.
I mean, I don’t think I’ll ever not be an arrogant jackass, I think it’s just engrained in my DNA at this point, but... well, maybe I need to remind myself that you can go too far at times. Sometimes, I tend to think more about making an impact than I do the effect my actions are going to have, if that makes sense? Until recently, I cared more about the spectacle... I wanted the attention, I wanted people to acknowledge my antics, to pay attention. I’m a troll, it’s kind of in the DNA in that respect. But why? I mean, I get why... but when there are so many people out there who deserve to get shit more than some of the people I’ve gone after, it kind of makes you realise you’re doing it wrong, I guess. Even the shit with the Lizard Club and that whole mess... why did I go after Gio that way, other than to get the cheap heat? It’s not like I put any real belief in the Lizard King crap, I was just using it to my advantage because he was Adrenaline Champion and I wanted a shot at him. So why did I keep going even after he lost the belt?! That’s one of the questions I started asking myself a few weeks back... one of many in all honesty, but you can only deal with one problem at a time, that’s what I’ve continued to tell myself. Fortunately, the Gio issue was one that I managed to navigate, wrapping up a few different things in one little package; okay, so giving Allistaire Allocco a disqualification victory was probably counter-productive to sorting things out with Aries, but that asshole deserved what he got for his part in Ace’s kidnapping plan and I make no apologies over that one. And man, did you hear the fans when me and Gio ended up staring each other down right after? Fuck, if pop’s were bankable, we’d have made bank in that moment... I just wish what followed backstage wasn’t as odd as it was. I mean, checking for a tail I get, he’s batshit crazy but whatever makes things easier... but did that Sam chick have to knee me in the damn coccyx? Whatever though, what was done was done... and hey, I got him to apologise to Levi, which was another issue crossed off the list of shit I needed to deal with, you know? Two birds with one stone.
That wasn’t the only one I wanted to deal with though... because I’d made a decision earlier in the week to cross another one off the list; if the fans were going to get behind me, I guess I should embrace their poor taste and at least try and make up for some of the horrid stuff I’ve done since I debuted. With the show in the last half an hour before going off the air and about thirty five minutes away from being able to go back to the hotel and relax, I knew time was running out so I started navigating the labyrinth known as the backstage area looking for one guy in particular...what I didn’t expect was to get waylaid in the process. “Hey Jason,” Levi shouted as I passed by catering on my way to the locker rooms on the other side of the arena from where mine was. Turning, I looked over to see Levi – Leviticus to those who aren’t on first name terms with him – walking over to me, a frown on his face. Great. He was troubled. Again. “We need a little tête-à-tête, a meeting of minds, to converse...” he started and I was in no mood for his antics so I gave him a look that told him to drop the flamboyance and get on with whatever it was he wanted. He sighed and rolled his eyes theatrically but then dropped the act thankfully. “Got a minute to talk?” he asked, and part of me wanted to ask him if it could wait as I had to catch someone before they left the arena, but given he’d taken a beating a week earlier just for hanging around with me, I couldn’t really brush him off so I told him sure but it had to be just that, a minute, as I needed to catch up with someone. “Okay, I’ll get to the point then... I’m not sure this thing with Gio is something I’d consider being best for business, Jason. I mean, do you realise how much money we’re going to lose if the Lizard Club t-shirts get pulled from the shelves? We’ve got way too much stock to just drop them, and aside from the money aspect, he kicked my ass last week for everybody to see!” he told me, and I’m not sure which annoyed him more, the fact that we would lose money by not selling a t-shirt or the fact that he got attacked...
“Levi, bro... the money doesn’t matter, alright?” I told him and he looked at me like I’d just suggested we should go stab all the puppies in the local pound or something. He opened his mouth to protest but I cut him off with a hand gesture, telling him I wasn’t done. “Look, I get it okay? You’ve bought the stock, we suddenly can’t sell them... we DIY’d a whole pile of them earlier, just stick an extra ten bucks on the asking price and sell them as special edition handmade tee’s or something, the fans will lap that shit up...”
His eyes lit up at the sound of that, which seemed to go some way to putting him at ease. “Genius! It’s simplistic but it’s also got the personal touch... I’ll mark them up another twenty bucks, never mind ten! Get your hand made personalised Wonderland Club t-shirts only from Leviticus enterprises via SCW! I love it!” he said with enthusiasm before his face fell again. “But that doesn’t solve the second issue... and I’m worried that any sort of alliance with Giovanni Aries is going to lead to more boots aimed at my ass if we maintain our working relationship... you’re one of my best sellers Jason, but if I have to get attacked every week to make those sales, I’m not sure we should continue our business dealings...”
“Levi,” I said enthusiastically. I didn’t have the time for this, but I knew it was a conversation that had to happen just to calm him down, so I threw an arm around his shoulder in a show of brotherly support. “Levi, Levi, Levi... don’t you want to be a leader in the merchandise market?” I asked and he thought about it for a second before nodding. “Okay, so you want to be a leader... but you’re wanting to step away from one of the biggest opportunities you’ve ever been presented?”
“I am?” he asked, looking puzzled. I nodded my head with enthusiasm at the question.
“You are!” I told him passionately, basically giving him a sales pitch. When dealing with a businessman, you talk business! “Think about it, Levi... The Wonderland. That’s a lot of potential new clients right there! A lot of new customers, all of them no doubt interested in buying the latest threads that are fresh in Wonderland. All those Giovanni fans who want to proudly show their support for The Wonderland or their hatred for all of Lizard King,” I said, waving a hand in front of us, as if I was motioning to those same customers, almost pitching my vision. “This isn’t an alliance, it’s a business opportunity... not only do you have almost the entire Jason Helms line of merchandise still, minus the Lizard Club t-shirt obviously... but you now have a blank slate for new merchandise too! Wonderland t-shirts, souvenir maps, t-shirts, hats, anti-lizard people merch, Gio merchandise, Beard merch... seriously, do you realise just how much crap you could peddle based around facial hair alone? Beard beard oil... Beard beard balm, combs, trimming kits... hipsters will love that shit! Do you really want to walk away from all of that because you’re worried you’ll maybe be a target by aligning yourself with Gio as well as me?”
I gave him a questioning look, as if I was truly shocked at the fact he was showing any hesitance what so ever and he suddenly looked a little panicked by the idea of losing out on so much money. “Damn, you’re right!” he said, snapping his fingers before grinning at me. “Someone has to introduce these people to the notion of truly supporting the Wonderland’s cause! These people need a leader, a true messiah of merchandise, a swami of style!” he went on, and if this was a stupid cartoon, dollar signs would literally have been flickering in his eyes as he spoke. It was actually kind of amusing how fast he’d flip-flopped on the idea. “One request though...”
“Fire away...” I told him, hoping that this meant we were on the same page again and that he was actually going to let me get going so I could go about what I was trying to do before he cut me off.
“Well,” he said, sounding a little hesitant again. “Next time you’re not going to be at the arena, or if none of you are going to be... give me a heads up? If I have to choose between being here to sell stuff and risking a beating or missing a show because I’ll be the only one here for people to extract revenge on? I’ll take the hit to my profits...”
Removing my arm from his shoulder, I turned and grabbed his hand and gave what had to be the most sincere handshake I’ve ever given in my life, nodding sagely as I made him a promise. “You have my word Levi, as a member of the Helms family, that if I ever get a week off for whatever reason, you will be the first person I call so that you can make alternative arrangements...”
A look of relief washed over his face at the promise before he replaced it with swagger. “Okay, that’s fine,” he said, nodding as I let go of his hand and he adjusted the lapels of his jacket. “Not that I can’t defend myself or anything you understand... I am an accomplished wrestler after all...”
Slapping him on the arm, I just shot him a grin. “You sure are, Levi. You sure are,” I told him, continuing to grin. “Alright, now that’s sorted, I’ve gotta bounce... need to take care of a little business before I head back to the hotel. Go forth and come up with a series of new merch ideas bro, and let me know how much you’ll need to finance it, okay?”
With that, I clapped him on the arm and nodded at him before leaving... I have to admit, I kind of wondered how long it would be before he realised I’d completely sold him a vision that was akin to selling snake oil, though perhaps mentioning snake’s wasn’t the best idea given my new found alliance with Aries... either way, I had other things to do and I left Levi there to ponder his new ‘opportunities’ as I headed off to the locker rooms, hoping that I hadn’t left it until too late in the night. After almost a year in the company - or nine months at least - it was probably way beyond the point where I needed to speak with the person in question; the last I saw on the monitors backstage, Konrad Raab was in the trainers office checking on the two local guys that Har Magiddo had destroyed earlier in the show, but that was the first place I checked when I decided it was time to bite the bullet and make amends for my douchery and evidently he had moved on... I only had to hope he was in the general men’s locker room because I didn’t want to have to try and search for him in the hotel. Reaching the locker room, I pushed the door open and headed inside, scanning around the room looking for a sign of him. I saw the piece of paper with his name on taped above a locker but the locker stood empty so clearly he’d already left. Making my way back out to the hallway, I turned and started jogging down the corridor, heading for the parking garage; I wasn’t even sure how Konrad got to the arenas, I assume he drove a rental like most of us, but for all I knew he couldn’t drive and took an Uber or a cab. Either way, it was worth a shot, and other than wandering around aimlessly backstage, it was the best plan I had.
Fortunately, I can’t have been that far behind him because I made it into the parking garage just as he was putting his bag into the trunk of a rental car, slamming the trunk lid down before starting to walk around to the drivers’ side door. “Hey man-ba-... hey Konrad,” I called out, having to edit myself as I spoke; old habits die hard, you know?
Turning, Konrad took one look at me approaching and his face darkened at the mere sight of me; can’t say I really blame him there, I spent several months tormenting him for my own amusement, I forced him to go to a dark place that he didn’t enjoy going to, and despite the fact that he did throw me around that cage like a damn rag doll, I somehow managed to beat him that night and every other time we faced... 
I basically went out of my way to embarrass him from the minute I turned up in SCW and being completely honest with myself, that was uncalled for because he hadn’t done anything to me to warrant that reaction. “What do you want Jason?” he asked, his voice as cold as the nickname would suggest. Ice practically crackled off of every syllable. “After the night I’ve had, the last thing I want is to have to deal with your crap now too...” he told me, giving me a cold stare and I thought about just saying fuck it there and then, heading him back inside and leaving him to get off on his merry way... but that went against the point of trying to find him in the first place, didn’t it? And as much as I didn’t want to have the sort of conversation that was coming, I kind of knew that I had to if I wanted to cross our issues off of my list of shit to deal with. “Well? I don’t have all night Jason. I have training to do and appointments to keep, I don’t want to stand here all night while you figure out what jokes to make at my expense... just talk your trash and then I can get going,” he told me, showing just how cynical he was. Again, can’t say I blamed him really, given just how much I’d trolled him mercilessly over the weeks and months... fuck, this being a better person thing is exhausting!
“Just cool your jets alright, bro? I come in peace,” I said, throwing my hands up defensively and that seemed to throw him slightly, though he still looked at me skeptically as I lowered my hands again. “Look, I know it’s hard to believe,” I added, trying to get him to want to listen rather than waiting to tell me to go fuck myself or words to that effect. “But I genuinely do just want to talk. No tricks, no games or trolling... I just want a few minutes of your time and then I’ll let you head off to the hotel or the airport or wherever it is you’re going,” I told him, hoping he’d pick up on the sincerity in my voice.
He looked at me, still skeptical, searching my face for signs that I was lying or that I was drawing him into some game, but obviously the signs weren’t there to see because there was no trap. It wasn’t a game, I actually wanted to have a genuine conversation with him... maybe ‘wanted’ wasn’t the right word, but needed? That was more fitting. “You’ll forgive me for not taking you at your word,” he said, looking around the garage for a sign of a setup before turning back to me. “I saw what you did earlier... you screwed Allistair Allocco out of a victory, that didn’t have to happen...”
I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at the comment. It would have been counter-productive. “He had that coming for his part in what happened to me a few weeks back,” I told him with a shrug. “If he hadn’t be a part of that whole kidnapping B.S I wouldn’t have gone after him... but look, I didn’t come here to talk about him, I want to talk about you,” I said, and again that seemed to throw him off balance slightly, like I’d caught him off guard.
“So what, you want to poke fun at me again?” He asked me, frowning. “What did I do this time? Let me guess, you think I’m an idiot for showing concern about those two kids who got their asses kicked by Har Magiddo?”
He was so defensive that it was almost funny... or it wouldn’t have been if this was a few weeks earlier, but in that moment the fact that he was such a cynic was just disheartening. Maybe I was partly to blame for that; Raab was one of the most positive people I’ve ever encountered since I returned to the business all those months ago, and my bullshit attitude had turned him into a distrusting person. It was hard not to feel guilty about that. “Not at all,” I told him, shaking my head. “Honestly, it’s good that someone was looking out for them... they didn’t deserve what happened to them out there; I’m sure they appreciated you going to see how they were doing...”
“It was the least I could do,” he told me, somewhat defensively, as if he was still trying to justify his actions despite the fact I’d told him I hadn’t gone to find him in order to mock him for doing so! “Har Magiddo need someone to stand up to them; they hurt my Adrenaline Rush partners and that’s not okay... I’m not going to stand by as they continue to hurt people...”
“Look Konrad, you don’t have to justify yourself to me of all people,” I told him, wishing he’d actually stop trying to do that. “I haven’t come here to poke fun at you or laugh at you, I actually came here because I wanted to have a proper conversation...” I told him, not exactly sure if I’d even believe me let alone whether Konrad would. It’s hard to go against months of evidence to the contrary, you know? But wasn’t that kind of the point, when you’re trying to make amends for shit you’ve done? It’s not as if I was expecting him to suddenly want to be my best friend – and honestly, I wouldn’t want him to be either – but at least listening to me would be a start...
“What do you want, Jason...” he asked, his voice flat and uninterested.
Well, that was the sixty four thousand dollar question, wasn’t it? I mean, I wasn’t entirely sure what the fuck came over me in the first place in all honesty, but given how things have been going recently, it just kind of felt right that I tried to do something about this situation as well as the other’s that I’d already acted on. Not that that was going to help explain anything to him though. “Look bro, I get why you’re wary, but I came to find you because I have something I think I need to say to you, so just give me a chance to fucking talk, alright? I’ll get out of your hair once I’ve said what I need to say and you can go do you...” I told him, deciding to just come out with it. There was no point beating around the bush, and if I said what I needed to say and he wasn’t interested then so be it, at least I could know I tried and just go about my business knowing that it wasn’t me responsible for it not working out. “When I came here, I was an asshole... I mean, I still kind of am one, but weirdly, it’s different in a way? I dunno. Point is, I was an asshole when I first arrived here, more importantly though, I was an asshole to you... that wasn’t right. You literally did nothing to me, Konrad, but I singled you out for a campaign of hate more or less. It was bullshit kindergarten stuff on my part and the whole ‘man-baby’ thing only proved that,” I admitted as I looked away for a minute; the biggest worry would be that he didn’t think I was being genuine, that it was another trick on my part, but like I said, I guess at least I’d know I tried, even if he didn’t believe me. Turning back, I looked him right in the eye so that he hopefully knew I was being legit. “Not sure it’s going to mean anything to you at this point bro, given I’ve said and done a lot of shit in the past... but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the trolling, the twitter posts, the jokes, the attacks, the whole nine yards. I was an asshole, I was petty, and right now I’m embarrassed about pretty much everything I did while trying to get attention. You didn’t deserve it and I have no way of justifying it either, other than I’m a childish douche bag. That’s all I wanted to say bro, I just wanted to apologize and do this,” I finished, extending my hand to him.
Konrad looked at it as if it may fucking explode or something; he wasn’t just hesitant – which was definitely understandable – but he was also a little worried too. Not scared, but, I dunno, just kind of worried that it would prove to be another one of my dumb games or jokes if he shook my hand... but then, you can imagine how fucking surprised I was when he did it, he slid his hand into mine and shook it. “I still don’t know if this is some sort of trick or another one of your jokes at my expense,” he said, looking me in the eye as he let go of my hand. I have to admit, I was expecting his handshake to be sort of weak or light handed, but guy definitely had what you’d call an honest man’s handshake... I mean, so do I, but I perfected that art a long time ago, it didn’t mean I was one, but his? His handshake was basically the same as he is; honest, sincere and trusting. Fuck, now I’m psychoanalyzing a fucking handshake. The hell am I turning into?! “But on the off-chance that it is legitimate... thank you. I appreciate that. I never understood what I was supposed to have done in the first place to get on your bad side and I respect the hell out of your family, especially David and AJ... I’ve noticed that you’ve changed lately, you’re still an asshole yeah, but there’s something different and it seems to be a positive change...”
“Yeah, well... I can’t say I made it consciously, but it is what it is,” I told him. It wasn’t as if I was trying to be my fucking brother or anything like that, but with recent changes in my personal life, it was having an effect in my professional life too. Not that I could say that though, obviously. “I just wanted to go some way towards righting the wrong, that’s all... I’ve come to realize that I can be a Jackass as Amy puts it, but that I can direct it the right way instead of at the wrong people. You didn’t deserve to be treated the way I did treat you, so I wanted to apologize now and get it out of the way...” I told him and he nodded in understanding.
“Well, conscious decision or not, it’s definitely a positive change,” he said, pulling his car keys from the pocket of his jacket. “I appreciate you taking the time to come find me, and for what it’s worth, apology accepted.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, feeling way too fucking awkward to function in that moment. I was actually fucking apologizing to the guy who I spent several months picking on for my own amusement, bullying because of how supposedly pathetic he was... and instead of telling me to go fuck myself like he should be doing, he shook my hand and told me he accepted the apology! Christ, I wish I could be that damn forgiving. “Look, I’ll let you get going, you’re obviously in a hurry... take it easy big guy, and hey, good luck at Trio’s on Sunday.”
“Thanks. You too,” he said, giving me a nod before he went to unlock the door of his rental. I won’t lie, there was this tiny voice in the back of my head at that point that was actually screaming at me to lunge at him, to attack him while his back was turned... but while the voice was clearly a fucking idiot, the fact it was only a tiny voice spoke volumes about the changes I’d gone through I guess? Once upon a time, if I’d done something like this it would have been a trick, and the tiny microscopic voice would have been my conscience telling me not to attack him because it was wrong while every other voice screamed “punch the douche bag!” at me repeatedly... that was progress, right? I’m not a saint, not by any stretch of the imagination... but neither was I a sinner, not anymore. And while that kind of scared me, it helped me realize that change could be good, if it was for the right reasons. I watched Konrad pull away from his parking spot and head for the exit before turning back to the door to head back inside to pack up my own stuff; this was going to be a weird experience for me, I knew that. I’d somehow gone from being a huge fucking troll who didn’t give a damn about anyone but myself, to actually caring about some people... that was going to take a lot of getting used to, it really fucking was. But I’d made a start, you know? I’d started the road to becoming a better person, even if I was an unwilling traveler initially, and hey, it didn’t exactly mean I had to stop being a cunt to people, did it? That wasn’t the point, really... I wasn’t trying to better myself in every single way, I simply needed to pick my targets a little more wisely. I could still be a rat bastard, a dirty troll and all round general Jackass... I just had to be one to the right people instead of the wrong one’s. That shouldn’t be too hard. Right?
Sometimes, it’s just better all round to admit that you’re wrong. I know, I know, we all hate doing that, it feels like you’re showing weakness or whatever... but I’ve come to realise that there’s no weakness in admitting you made a mistake. I’d rather look at things and know that I made amends when I fucked up than still flat out deny that I was in the wrong. I want to live life to the full, to know that I didn’t hold back but that I did things the right way. Like I said; life is short and you only get one run at it, so don’t worry about the things you did wrong, concentrate on the way you made up for it. Do I want to say I’m best friends with Konrad Raab? Fuck no. But I won’t deny that what I did to him was wrong and it was uncalled for. Same goes for Gio too... I made enemies out of the wrong people and I can accept that now. It was cheap heat, easy points scored. And while that appeals to the troll in me, I also know that I’m probably better than that. At least to the people who don’t deserve it anyway. Because let’s face it; SCW? It’s a fucking hot bed for people who deserved to be trolled relentlessly, so there’s no need to go after the people who are genuinely just trying to do their thing. I showed that at Trio’s, I showed that when I went after Allocco and I’ll show that if I get my hands on Ace too. All in good time though... never rush to get anywhere when it’ll come along in the end. For now, I’ve got a job ahead of me. And I intend to do just that. And hopefully, by the time I’ve dealt with all the issues ahead, the board will realise that they’ve been blocking my claim to an Adrenaline Title shot for too long now! I won’t hold my breath though... ha.
