If you’re expecting some wordy, long winded B.S about what motivates me or why I’m here, you’re in for a disappointment. Not because I don’t have my reasons, not because I want to keep them to myself or that I’m a private person or anything that trite… nah. Mostly, I just don’t care enough to bother. I don’t owe anyone anything, am I right?
See, whatever my reasons, whatever self-loathing I’m clearly going through or whatever deluded dreams of grandeur I have that caused me to make the batshit crazy decision to throw myself into the crab bucket known as Supreme Championship Wrestling, the short and fatty of it is that I’m here and that should be enough. If not, then that feels like a you problem, not a me problem, so deal with it on your own dime.
But I’m not even a pro. I’m a lucky amateur that basically got here because of who trained me and the names I could drop when I made first contact to enquire about entering the invitational.
Which I had no clue how to do, by the way. I was confused to say the fucking least, like do I just turn up? Do I walk through the door, throw a cd at the sound guy that has my music on it and out I walk? Turns out no is the answer to that one, funnily enough, but they don’t teach you about this crap in wrestling school.
Maybe they should.
Wouldn’t have hurt to throw a seminar in there about how to go about getting work or contacting companies and all that crap. Which is crazy, given the names that work at Living Dangerously, but who am I to criticise how someone else runs their dojo…
As I was saying though, if you want clarity or everything explained in one neat little package then sorry, wrong chick for you, my dude. Go try one of the airheads who love the sound of their own voice, or something. There sure as shit seems to be enough of ‘em in this business, so it shouldn't be too hard, really.
Still here? Cool. Welcome. I’m Valen Vendetta… which is not a porn name before you say anything… and I’m the dumb bitch that signed up to wrestle at the SCW End Of Year Special without any experience whatsoever. I R Smart. But what I clearly lack in smarts I more than make up for in cynicism and attitude, so stick around for the ride, huh? Love ya, losers.
SAP Center
San Jose, CA
October 28th, 2021
So it turns out there is a lot more to it than just turning up and competing when companies hold these open invitational things. So much for the ‘open’ part I guess.
Maybe it’s different if you have pull, or draw or whatever, but when you’re a nobody with nothing to offer but a willingness to get your ass kicked for people’s enjoyment, maaaan the hoops come thick and fast and I’m kind of tired of jumping through ‘em.
But as the door clicked behind me following my final - and first face-to-face meeting - with some guy named Dean or Dan or whatever, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.
I’d done it. I’d satisfied the powers that be that I was able to actually compete in a wrestling match for a company like SCW. Which is funny in a way, because it doesn’t really matter whether it’s fifty five thousand in a big-ass arena or just fifty five in a gymnasium, you’re still running the same risks when you step in the ring, but I guess big business gots to cover their asses or whatever.
And the guy with the D-name I spoke to, he seemed like an okay guy, even if he was quick to point out he didn’t exactly run the show.
Didn’t matter. I’d have dealt with the janitor if that was who I had to speak to in order to get the rubber stamp of approval. But it was done.
Walking out of the office, actually backstage at a show too which was kind of fucking sick in it’s own right, knowing that I was finally signed off to compete at the End Of The Year Special in a couple months time? Man, it had me gassed, no word of a lie! I was–
“Valen?!” Ah fuck, I knew that voice. I wished I didn’t, but I did. Jordan Majors, aka the dumbass who almost ended my career before it even started. I ignored her, starting to walk down the hallway for the exit. “Hey Valen, what the fuck?” Just keep walking babe, nothing to see here.
Then a hand closed around my upper arm, stopping me. “Hey!” I didn’t exactly lash out, but I did throw Jordan’s hand off me and she actually fucking pouted as she folded her arms across her chest and frowned at me, looking like a little kid who got told no. “You want something?”
For some fucking reason, she seemed surprised at the fact that I may have had a bit of an attitude with her. Was I justified in that? I mean, do bears shit in the woods? “You’re not crippled?!” That was her first question? Seriously?
“Wow…” I didn’t even know what else to say. This was the moron that could have crippled me only months ago, and her first reaction is that? Give me strength. “Glad that I’m not gonna sue your ass, I assume?”
“What?? No!” A complete lie, or at least a partial one. The flush in her cheeks called her out on that one. “I’m shocked to see you here, what the hell’s going on?”
“Are we friends?” It was a simple question, and it felt like being blunt was the best way to go. I already knew the answer and so did Jordan.
Yet she seemed flustered by it. “I mean, I wanted us to be?”
“Before you almost killed me you mean?” Another one hit home, but I think I actually made her mad with that one.
“Fuck you, that was an accident and you know it!”
I shrugged. “Been fun catching up, babe.” I went to turn away again and again, Jordan threw out a hand.
“What’s your problem?” She was giving me what I guess was meant to be a withering stare. I was so intimidated.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Or scoff I guess. “My problem? Right now, that would be you and the fact that you keep stopping me from leaving.” I was being a wise ass, a bitch even, I know that. Didn’t care though. She deserved it. “Or am I supposed to be kissing your ass because you’re Jordan Majors and I’m just–”
“A douche?” She said it through clenched jaws, glaring at me. Had I hit a nerve or just pissed her off in general? No idea. Was funny though. “Look, I’m just surprised to see you here, alright? And yeah, sure, maybe a little surprised to see you looking well, too. But if you’re not interested then whatever. Fuck you and goodnight.”
And then she turned to leave! Can you believe it? Stops me leaving, doesn’t take a hint, then trys to play up on the melodrama and storm out on me instead? Hilarious. “Running again, huh?” She came to a complete stop at that. I had to bite back a laugh. “Back to the well. Genius.”
“Eat me.” Jordan looked back over her shoulder as she spoke.
“Isn’t that Ms. Wonderful’s job these days?” Always thought that whole ‘wonderful’ stuff was dumb as a box of rocks. Talk about forced. Jordan turned and stomped back over to me, only adding to her stroppy child aesthetic from a moment ago, which made me laugh inwardly for sure. “Oh… trouble in paradise?”
Jordan pushed me. “You don’t get to talk about my lovelife. We’re not friends, remember!” Tell me I touched a nerve without telling me I touched one.
“Word of advice?” Aside from stop clenching her jaw so tightly if she didn’t want a huge-ass dental bill, that is. “Stop making it so easy for people to push your buttons. You leave yourself open, every single time. It’s low hanging fruit.”
She scoffed, folding her arms across her chest. “How do you do it?” I shot her a quizzical eyebrow and she sent a smirk back at me. “How do you manage to deal with the weight of knowing everything while others around you are so clueless?” Such sarcasm in someone so small. Dunno where she stored it all.
I yawned theatrically. “Ironic, that.”
She frowned. “What is?”
“That you of all people, is calling me a know it all.” There went the clenched jaw again. Dunno if it was because I was actually scoring points or because she was just angry at the insults but whatever it was, she was annoyed by my words.
“So I’m a know it all now, too?” Credit to her, she was keeping her arms folded and not physically rising to the bait. A lot of people would have decked me by now, so have to hand it to her in that regard.
I brought a hand up and wobbled it from side to side. “Sort of?” I shrugged. “Bit of a paradox really, because in many ways you’re an idiot, but given you’re the dumb bitch who thought she knew it all and nearly crippled me in the process, it’s hard not to slap that descriptor on you, sure!”
She squared up, probably because of the insult? But I saw that flash of guilt in her eyes yet again, because while most of what I was saying was just opinion, you can’t question medical fact where my near-crippling was concerned. “How many times do I have to tell you that it was a mistake and that I’m sorry it happened before you let it go?!”
I laughed, before checking the watch I wasn’t even wearing. “I dunno. What time’s hell due to freeze over, again?”
“You know what? Fine.” She rubbed her hands against one another, as if dusting them off. “You want to hate me? Go ahead. I’m not going to waste my time on trying to change your mind. I make mistakes, I’m only human, Plenty of people hate me for them though, so it’s just another on the list, no big deal.”
“Well you do make a habit of fucking up.” Couldn’t deny it. Her mistakes end up all over Twitter half the time, not like they’re secrets. “How many ex’s have you cheated on now, two? Three?”
She grabbed my jacket and slammed me back against the wall and it wasn’t as if she overpowered me with strength as such, more that it just caught me off guard as I wasn’t expecting it. “I told you not to—”
“Truth hurt?” Her grip loosened at my question but she still held onto the lapels of my jacket. “If it does, stop fucking up every relationship you meander into and maybe—”
She slammed me back against the wall again, getting in my face this time, so close I could tell you what she had for her lunch. “Shut up!”
Her eyes burned into mine. In another world, this is the part where she’d kiss me like you see in the movies but life isn’t that much of a cliche and also no. Just no. “I swear to god, if you try and kiss me I’m gonna bite your tongue off…”
“Kiss you?!” She actually laughed. And she threw her hands off me and took a step back, probably proving a point more than anything because it was obvious from her posture that she was still fired up and wanted to fight. “I want to kick your ass, that’s what I want to do right now, you arrogant bitch!”
“Then get in the ring on New Years, maybe you get the chance!”
Ah fuck. Me and my big fucking mouth, god dammit! “Wait. What??” Her eyes were wide, she was shooketh as the lame kids call it. Which was fitting for her I guess, but given how much of a moron my big mouth had just made me, I was one to fucking talk. “What do you mean, get in the ring on New Years?!”
Great work Vee. Top fucking job. “Like you said sweetheart, we’re not friends. I don’t owe you anything, upto and including explanations…”
“No, hold up, what do you mean about New Years??” It was too late though. I’d already turned and started to make my exit. Perhaps it wasn’t the coolest of exits in the history of people making like a banana and splitting, more of a hasty retreat out of cowardice than anything, but I made sure not to look back over my shoulder so I should at least get bonus points for that. Jordan tried calling out to me a couple of times and I thought that she was trying to follow me to stop me, but I’ll be honest, as soon as I disappeared out of her line of sight around a corner I ran like fuck out of there. Even got lost a couple times trying to find my way out, so Jordan was gonna have difficulty trying to track me down for sure.
Why. Why couldn’t I just keep my fucking mouth shut instead of having to score cheap points? Jesus. This is why I always end up getting myself into trouble because I don’t know when to fucking quit it with the wise ass. Fuck.
The Following Morning
Los Angeles, CA
The train back to LA was as mundane as you’d expect. Makes you envious of these rich douchebags like the guy who trained me that can afford to fly everywhere privately or even just hop a commercial short haul, but when you’re on a budget it’s rail or road only, and I was in no rush to hop on a Greyhound bus, let me tell you!
Thankfully, I managed to get the overnight train out of San Jose, avoiding the need for a motel before catching the early bird Amtrak. That would have added more expense to a trip that I still felt could have been done over a fucking zoom call but what do I know.
Union station was hell when I climbed down from the train a little over eight hours later. People everywhere, chaos and confusion reigning supreme as it always seems to regardless of the time of day, but I bundled my collar up and hauled ass out of there without letting myself get caught up in it. I had somewhere to be and I wasn’t letting anyone delay me longer than absolutely necessary.
A short cab ride later, I stood on the sidewalk looking up at the house, once again feeling that same mixture of guilt and apprehension that ran through my head each time I made my weekly visit.
How had I got everything so wrong…
“You made it.” I’d not even reached the door to knock before Serena had pulled it open, did she sit there waiting for me to call?
“I always do.” It was the same conversation every week, she’d seem surprised I found time to turn up and I had to remind her that I never missed a visit. Talk about going through the motions. I’d laugh if I wasn’t so insulted by her surprise each and every time the conversation took place.
“Momma!”
And there it was.
The one word from the one person that melts my heart in less time than it takes for the thing to beat.
I turned from Serena, just in time to see the pocket monster rush me at the door, and I took a knee in time for her to jump on me and wrap her arms around my neck. “Hey you…”
“I missed you, momma!” She knew how to pull on the heart strings, this kid.
I pulled her in close and kissed her on the top of the head. “Momma missed you too, Liza.”
Serena cleared her throat, clearly trying to be polite with her warning. “We talked about that, remember? Her name’s Emily.” It was bullshit. Such a boring fucking name, so uninspiring.
“She was Liza first.” I know I shouldn’t have said that. It was childish. I’d been Liza’s mom for all of 45 minutes before social services took her from me. I don’t say I gave her up, because I didn’t want to let her go. My parents forced me into that one.
I was 14 when I fell pregnant, and barely 15 when I gave birth.
The ‘father’ didn’t stick around. Soon as his parents found out he’d knocked up a “hood rat” as they called me, they shipped him off to Europe for ‘his education’ and they promptly forget I existed.
“And we chose Emily when my husband and I adopted her.” Yeah, thanks for that Serena, I needed a reminder.
I bit my lip. Wasn’t worth it. I turned back to Liza instead. “You want to go watch some tv?” Her eyes lit up and she nodded.
“Only a few minutes.” Serena was already following me as I followed Liza into the lounge. “It’s reading time right now.”
I shouldn’t give Serena or her husband a hard time. In truth, they had been great from the minute they adopted Liza. I’d sent a letter with her when social services took her from me, explaining everything.
Serena and Andrew had contacted me within days of adopting her, asking if I wanted to be a part of Liza’s life.
It was an easy decision, even if it wasn’t easy watching someone else bring up my child. Credit where it was due though, they’d been honest with her as soon as she was old enough to understand. Serena was her mom, but I was her momma. And I got an hour a week to visit. I’d have taken 5 minutes.
“We can do both.” Liza was already on the couch when I walked into the room and I sat down beside her. “We’re women. We multitask, right Poki?”
The pocket monster nodded. “Right!”
Serena smiled. “I’ll fix us some drinks then, while you get started.”
“Juice, juice!” Serena nodded her head at the request from Liza and headed off for the kitchen.
As soon as she was out of earshot, I turned back to Liza and picked her up, putting her on my knee. “So momma has some big news, Poki.”
“What, momma?”
I’d been debating this ever since I got on the train in San Jose. Hadn’t slept a wink, running over it in my mind. I was about to throw all the kindness Serena and Andrew had shown me back in their faces. “Momma has a job coming up, baby. A job that may earn her some big money.” Two hundred and fifty grand to be exact. If I won anyway. But Liza didn’t need to know the details. She wouldn’t understand anyway. “If I do good, it could mean big things for us, Liza. Super big things. That’s exciting, huh?”
“Yes momma…”
I don’t think she really understood what I was talking about to be honest, but I wanted to tell her anyway. I always told her about what was going on in my life, she was the biggest part of it, even if she was only there for bitesized moments. “I’m going to make something of myself, baby. I’m going to show everyone that I can be great and make you proud to call me your momma.” It probably sounded like nothing more than babble or boring grown up speak to Liza, but I meant every word. “Momma’s going to do so good, and she’s going to get you all those things she ever promised you. I’ll get you all the toys I ever promised. And I’ll have a real house, baby. With a dog, just like you always wanted. And maybe you can come visit, if mom and dad let you…”
She was already distracted by the cartoon showing on the tv, I’m not even sure she’d been listening to anything I’d said to her, but it didn’t matter.
All that mattered was that I’d know I was making these promises to her.
Because her momma was going to make her proud. She was going to make something out of herself and leave Liza proud to say she was her daughter. I was going to honor every single one of those promises I’d made to her, because she was everything I liked about myself and everything that I had to keep going and to be better!
Liza was my reason to keep going, and I push myself every day to better myself for her. And if I was ever going to get her back, if I was ever going to be her momma fully… then I had to be better. Not just better than Serena and Andrew, but better than myself too. And I would be better. So much better!
