Sheraton Gateway Hotel
Inglewood, California
July 6th, 2019
When I were a lad, I weren’t taught traditional values the lot of yous arseholes, I had what we’ll call an ‘alternative’ upbringing. An’ am not talking about some hippy drippy bollocks either, me old man were about as far from that notion as yer can possibly get. Imagine a big fat bald bloke wi’ a Mohican, bad breath an’ a tumper like a bear wi’ a saw paw and yer probably not far from what ah grew up with. Much as I hated the prick though, he did teach us kids a few things that probed invaluable.
Never let a cunt take yer fer a mug, never back down from a fight, never do things the hard way when the easy way is an option, and never talk a big game if yer can’t back it up.
That shit about sums up everything my old man ever gave me, other than a few bruises and the motivation to get the fuck out as soon as I possibly could. Yous have no idea how easy it was to walk away, even if it meant leaving my siblings behind. That were tough, but I’m still hoping they join me out here in Yanky Doodle Dandyland someday, if they can ever escape the old man’s clutches like I did.
It weren’t a conventional upbringing though. I were in the ring at thirteen, wrestling for the old mans tin pot company in the midlands, in front of a few dozen people in some shitty school gymnasium. Ironic really, ‘cause it were the same school I got expelled from but still ended up wrestling there on weekends!
Am waffling though, ain’t I? Point is… my upbringing were shit. But it gave me what I needed to get out here, an’ that’s where everything changed fer me, ‘cause a finally got my big break, didn’t I? But why the fuck did that have to come wi’ so many bloody complications?!
“You sure this is a good idea, babe?” Marie said over breakfast. God knows how she were looking so lively, I were suffering from a banging fucking headache from the night before, but she looked fresh as a fucking daisy, dint she? Life ain’t bloody fair. “I know we agreed last night that it was, but how much of that was the alcohol talking? I mean Kim… and Tommy? Okay, so they’re both a little… eccentric… but is the world even ready for that?!” she asked as I cradled my coffee like the elixir of life. We were sat in the restaurant of her hotel, waiting for Kim to come and join us for breakfast so we could broach the idea of her and Tubby as a thing, an’ she had no idea how big an issue this were fer me, given Tubby’s attitude about how me an’ her were now dating.
“Maybe not love, but then again, can’t yer say the same about yous an’ me, ay?” I asked, nodding me head at her and then at myself before wishing a didn’t. Why’d I let Tubby and Big Head convince me to drink those fucking Dark an’ stormy’s?!
“Fair point, but we don’t run the risk of going out to throw things at old people or stab people…” Marie countered, though she said it with a smirk. Fuck that, I were convinced they may actually fucking do it. “And the two of us, we’re capable of acting like grown up’s when required… at least most of the time anyway.”
“Pretty damn grown up last night love,” I said with a wink and got an eye roll for my troubles. Got a grin too though, so I’ll take it.
“What I don’t want is Kim getting egged on by Tommy and his own childish antics, that could be dangerous…” she told me. It weren’t all that far off the mark to be honest. “Kim is in a good place right now, even if she can be a little… out there at times. I wouldn’t want to mess things up for her.”
“Aye, I know love, but Tommy is mostly harmless and believe it or not, he’s actually capable of being an adult if absolutely necessary,” I told her, doing my best to sound reassuring as I tried to cover for myself and… well, help Tubby out I guess. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but he’s got a good head on his shoulders, he has. Just acts like a bit of a tit at times ‘cause he’s a free spirit,” I went on, feeling dirty for hyping him up the way I were, but let’s be honest, it were in me own best interest really, weren’t it, so a had to give it the old best of British.
“Did you guys order yet? I could eat a horse! Or maybe a unicorn… do you think I’d gain powers if I did?!” a voice said and we both looked up quickly to find Kim standing at the side of the table, looking at us as if she actually expected an answer to that question. Like seriously, what the fuck? “Well?” she prompted and me and Marie looked at one another.
“Is, uh… is the well about whether we ordered breakfast yet, or whether you’d gain magical powers if you ate a unicorn?” I asked, trying not to crack up. Thankfully, Marie came to my aid and picked things up.
“We didn’t order yet and no, I don’t think you’d get magical powers because unicorns don’t exist,” she said, matter-of-factly and Kim started to smirk as she slid into the seat next to her sister.
“I know, I’m just fucking with you sis!” Kim told her, still grinning, before turning to me. “Morning champ! How’s the head?” she asked, leaning across the table to pat me on the head. It felt like she’d hit me with a bloody sledgehammer.
“Kim, don’t,” Marie chastised her and Kim withdrew her arm and pretended to look like a kid who’d been told off. If I weren’t hungover to all buggery, maybe I’d have found it pretty funny. “We waited for you to come down before ordering anyway, so now we’ve just got to wait for someone to come over.”
“No need, I’ll go grab--” she started to say but me and Marie both cut her off.
“No!” we both said, Marie putting a hand on her arm to stop her as I half stood up to…what? Chase her down if she made for the nearest waiter? Fucked if I know, but there I was regardless, half stood, half bowed looking like a complete twat before sitting down again. “They’ll show up when they show up love, and I’m in no rush to eat either, the way I feel at the minute,” I told her, trying to brush our reaction off casually.
“O-kaaaaay,” Kim said, looking at us like we were both barking mad. “But while you may not be hungry, I’m starving, so I hope they hurry up. I want all the bacon, and a nice greasy friend egg, sunny side up just like my personality!”
“If you’re trying to make me feel sick by talking about fried food your wasting your time love, I don’t feel queasy, just got a banging head,” I told her, picking up my coffee again to take another sip.
“THEN MAYBE I JUST NEED TO TALK LIKE THIS,” Kim yelled, making me, Kim and half the bloody restaurant all jump at the same time. As I reopened my eyes from cringing to look at her, she were smiling so fucking sweetly that she’d put a small child to shame! Fuck, this bird were bonkers. “Was that better? Can we order now, I really am hungry!”
That weren’t gonna be a problem, given some bloke in hotel clobber were already making his way over to where we were sitting, wi’ concern written all across his chops. “Is there a problem here, ladies? Sir?” he asked, only faltering for the shortest second at the sight of the two identical twins in front of him.
“No, no problem, we’d… we’d just like to order breakfast, wouldn’t we?” Marie asked, looking at her sister first then at me. Kim nodded enthusiastically. I just grunted.
“I just want more coffee,” I told the guy as he whipped out his little notepad and pencil to take our order.
“And for the ladies?” he asked, looking at Marie and Kim.
“Could I just have a warm croissant with some strawberry jelly?” Marie said, I guess wanting to eat light. I don’t think I could have even managed that much.
“And I want the works!” Kim said happily. “Bacon, sausage, eggs sunny side up, mushrooms, blood pudding, everything! Oh, and I’ll have a croissant too, but blackberry jelly! I’m pretty hungry!” she explained as the waiter looked impressed.
“Alright, I’ll go put your order it now guys,” he said, closing his notepad before looking a little more serious. “And uh, if we could keep the voices down, that’d be appreciated…”
“Eye eye captain!” Kim said, saluting the waiter and he cracked a smile before heading back wherever he’d come from.
At least she weren’t shouting anymore. That were a good start anyway. “So, you have fun last night love?” I asked, innocently. Weren’t gonna beat around the bush, even if Marie weren’t even sure this were a good idea.
“Sure! I mean, who doesn’t like drinking and dancing like nobodies watching, am I right?” she asked, happily. “Though you guys were total party poopers where the dancing was concerned!”
“We didn’t want to steal your thunder,” Marie said. I didn’t, I just didn’t want to get smacked by a flailing arm while Kim ‘danced’ her socks off.
“An’ we were having a good time just talking… that’s what people do, they socialize,” I added, before realising I were being a bit of a dick. “Or some do. Others have a great time dancing instead. Like you. Tommy tried getting us up to dance, but we weren’t interested, were we Marie?”
She gave me a stern look at first but eventually Marie rolled her eyes and played along. “No, we kept saying no,” she told her sister lamely.
“I kept telling him he should go dance with you, but he wasn’t sure it was a good idea,” I went on, trying to steer the conversation around. “You know, in case anyone wanted to make a move on you or anything.”
“Ha!” Kim said, laughing to herself. I guess she’d at least noticed that people were giving her a wide birth then.
“You seeing anyone at the minute then love?” I asked, about as subtle as a jackhammer to hang a picture hook.
“Oh sure!” Kim said happily. Shit! If she were, then I were fucked. “I mean, I can see you, and Marie, and that couple over there with the hideous floral shirts. The waiter who got angry at me shouting. I see lots of people!” she told me, playing it innocent before smirking. “No Thomas, I’m not seeing anybody. Why, you asking? That’s kind of rude, I mean my sister is right here! I mean, I did that once, but I was kind of pretending to be her, so I dunno if that counts?”
Well, I wasn’t sure it was possible, but I think I’m somehow dating myself into a family as insane as my own. “Kim!” Marie said sternly, and I’m pretty sure she kicked her under the table. I pretended not to notice or question what she’d just said before pushing on.
“Well… we were wondering,” I started before noticing the glare that Marie was giving me. “I was wondering… what you thought about Tommy?”
“Tommy?” She said, screwing up her face in deep thought. “He’s the hairy one, right? Big ol’ bushy beard?” she asked… least she were clued up enough to not bother learning which were which. There’s times I wish I didn’t know either. “He’s funny. Looks like he gives good cuddles, could probably throw things really far to hit old people! Why?”
“Well, he’s having a bit of a rough time right now,” I told her. “Living over here, only got me and Johnny for company. So we were thinking… I was thinking… maybe we could go out. Marie, me, Tommy and you. A sort of double date kind of thing… once you two get back from Canada that is…” I went on. I could have probably been way more subtle about all of this if I’m being honest, maybe be a bit more tactful… but truth be told, my head were pounding and I just wanted to try and get this over with. “What you think love?”
At first I thought she weren’t even paying attention; she were looking at her own reflection in the back of her spoon, pulling funny faces into it, until Marie spoke to her. “What do you think Kim, would you want to go? On a double date that is?” she asked, and Kim put down the spoon to look at her sister.
“Can we actually dance this time?” she asked, curiously. “Like, properly… not just me?”
“Sure!” Marie said, nodding her head.
“What about stabbing people?” Kim asked.
“Sure!” I told her, not even caring what promises I made by this point.
“No!” Marie objected, frowning at me before turning back to Kim. “No stabbing people, no throwing things at old people, no off the wall stuff. Just dinner or drinks or, well, dancing if you like…”
“Hmm,” Kim said thoughtfully, and I can understand why she was having to think so hard about it, because let’s face it, there’s plenty of things more attractive than Tubby, upto and including that gunk that grows between the toes, juice at the bottom of a leaky bin liner and Sabrina Bello, but still. I kinda needed her to say yes to this whole idea. “Well, I guess it wouldn’t be much different to last night really, just without the little one. Hmm… I wonder what it’s like to kiss someone with a great big bushy beard!” she added and relief washed over me in that moment. That had to mean she was up for it, right?! “Bet it’s prickly… do you think it’s prickly?”
“I dunno love, Marie shaves hers before it gets too long,” I said and winced at the point of a boot connecting with my shin. Marie can kick like a fucking mule when she wants!
“I guess it could be fun. I’m in!” she said, and then suddenly the conversation was over. “I need hot sauce. I’m gonna go find hot sauce for my breakfast,” she informed us before jumping up from her chair and heading off, I assume to find a bottle of chili.
“Well, that were easy,” I said to Marie as we watched Kim wander off. “Thought I’d have a harder job selling the idea to be honest…”
“My sister is anything but predictable,” Marie said with a laugh before reaching out to grab my hand across the table. “And so are you… I think what you’re doing for Tommy is nice. You’re a good guy, Tom.”
“The best love. The best,” I jokingly said as I squeezed Marie’s hand back. I guess there were summet pretty fucked up about why I were really doing all this, but at the same time I were doing something good for a friend, when ya think about it. Twisted logic, but in a roundabout fashion I were technically in the good, right? Fuck it. I’ll take it.
Wasting no time in getting this over with, I waited for the red light to flicker on before getting on with filming my promo.
“Not doing bad so far am I, for a big mouthed prick from Small Heath in Birmingham…
…which probably has a fair few people worried really, ‘cause I reckon that every cunt in this company short of those two pillocks I happen to associate myself with thought I were gonna be just like every other big gob: all talk and no knickers. All mouth and no trousers.
News flash dickheads; am not.
Unbeaten, unpinned, unsubmitted, not even a countout. Of course, that could end on Monday, but so far I’m four for four and that ain’t bad for some ugly cunt from the midlands.
But let’s not beat around the bush, ay?
This coming Monday, it’s a rematch from back on that boat, and while my shiny gold trophy ain’t on the line for Jenni to take home wi’ her thanks to the whole no rematches clause here in Emerge, I reckon this things much bigger than that anyway.
It’s about pride, ain’t it?
See, Jenni Helms, she reckons she’s the bees knees, don’t she? And yous dickheads at home, you lap her shit up like it’s gravy on top of a couple of Uncle Brain’s faggots! That’s a type of meatball for you ignorant yankee cunts. Invented in Birmingham, don’t ya know!
Point is, when that bird talks, you lot just hang on her every word, and when she gets a bit of shit on twitter she has the whole world jumping to ‘er defence, don’t she? Big tough girl or what?
But it’s fine, ‘cause who am I to say what she should or shouldn’t do? Not like I’m the first person to actually pin her or anything, is it? Not that I’ll expect any credit for that.
That’s why I find it pretty funny, really.
See, when I talk shit, when I get all overconfident or whatever, I’m being an arse. When she does it, it’s fire. It’s passion. Well what’s the fucking different ay, other than I’m the unpopular prick wi’ acne scars and she’s the popular girl that everyone either wants to be best friends with or get in the sack.
Not me though. And I wont tolerate her shite, either. See, her big cousin Trinity may keep saying she’s her family and I ought to watch my tongue, but what about her, ay? Okay, she’s been through a lot, but two wrongs don’t make a right, ya know?
And yous lot can say what ya want, but I ain’t gonna stand by and let hypocrisy go unchecked, ‘cause that ain’t me. So Jeniffer Helms can be all high and mighty on her pedestal, talk about all she’s gonna do and keep feeding your hunger for more popular chick bullshit burgers if ya like, but me? I’m gonna do what I’ve done since I first came here.
Win. I’m gonna continue to let my actions do the talking instead. And maybe I lose on Monday. Maybe Jenni gets that victory that she’s so fucking desperate for, and if I lose and get pinned then fine. So be it. It’s only a match, ain’t it? But if not… if I win again, then what? Jennifer already hates me, how’s she gonna feel if her second pinfall comes against me?
Guess we’ll have to see about that, ay?
Won’t matter, really. I gave her what she wants, another crack. A chance to ‘get her win back’… hope she’ll be happy with it if that happens. Personally, I couldn’t care less. Won’t change who I am and won’t change how I roll. Another win would feel nice though… just saying…”
And with that, I simply walk out of shot. Short and to the point.