Melrose Station Bar
Inglewood, California
July 5th, 2019
A won’t lie, when I come out here to yanky doodle dandy land, the last thing on me mind were the idea of finding a bird...
Always saw lasses as a distraction where this business were concerned to be honest wi’ yous; you see it all the time, don’t ya, some knob who forgets all about his career as soon as he gets the chance of some skirt and basic’ly pisses it all up the wall.
Well a won’t speak for yous, but for me we’d need to be talking about some remarkable minge before I forgot about everything I’ve devoted my life to since being a youth. And aye alright, maybe me head were turned by Chantelle Chambers for a while back in MCW, but even then I didn’t let it get in the way of me becoming Motor City Champion, did I?
All I intended, were to concentrate on my career in Emerge once I signed on that dotted line… but the thing is, I was also brought up to not look a gift horse in the mouth, too. And now look, I’m in a relationship with one of the best professional wrestlers of our generation, part of American wrestling royalty as well… funny how stuff works out, ain’t it?
And things weren’t going too badly either. I mean, I weren’t sure how long it’d last in all honesty… we’re talking about Marie Jones ‘ere, she’s a classy lady ain’t she? And then there’s me, some rough cunt from Birmingham, from a family of gypsy’s an’ all… I guess she fancied a bit of rough after her dearly departed ex-husband or something?
I won’t bother questioning it anyway, because I’m not that stupid; I’m Tommy Cook, not Tommy Wasley! Speaking of the fat bastard though…
“I’ll be back in a minute babe, I need to use the restroom. Keep an eye on Kim for me?” Marie asked, motioning towards her sister who was cutting her funky stuff on the dancefloor a few feet away from where we sat. SCW’s schedule had brought them to the west coast, Breakdown in San Jose earlier in the week before working it’s way south with the house shows. Friday night in Inglewood was perfect, given the place I share with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum is only twenty minute away in Crenshaw, so we’d decided to make a night of it. Marie, Kim, Me, Pinhead and Lard Arse, all out on the tiles together… what could possibly go wrong, ay?
“You’ve got it love,” I promised before slightly getting out of me seat in order to give the mrs a quick peck on the cheek before she disappeared. It took me half a moment to realise I wasn’t the only one watching her arse as she walked off. “Oi, pack it in yous two, she’s off limits!” I told the pair of them, and Johnny looked away instantly, starting to whistle innocently as if he weren’t ogling my bird a second earlier. The fat one started glaring at me though, as if I just taken a dump on his shows.
“Off limits?” tubby said, shaking his head at me, though I turned away before his gut started wobbling under the momentum to check on Kim. She was still flailing around on the dancefloor, a clear foot of space all around her as people tried avoiding the chaos. “Can we talk a’bart ‘ow it’s s’posed to be off limits chasin’ after the same bird as yer mates? Or ‘ow a’bart we just talk a’bart what a dickhead yer are instead, eh? ‘Cause Marie’s only off limits thanks to you bein’ a back stabbin’ wanker, ain’t she?!” he went on, flapping his gums an’ draggin’ me attention back to his ugly fucking mug instead of Kim. “We both know if it weren’t for me, you’d still be knockin’ one art to photo’s of Chantelle instead’a seein’ one’a the fittest lasses in’t business, you traitorous cunt!”
“Oh aye, and you think that Marie would’ve been interested if she found out it were from you, do ya?” I asked me, laughing at the idea. “No offence meant mate, but she’s a classy woman, she were never going to be impressed by someone who hands out free tickets to sit on his hairy face!” Johnny were laughing but I dunno why. He were just as guilty of that as Tommy were. “And I dunno why you’re laughing, pinhead. You’re just as bad as he is!”
“Woah now, hold your horses sunshine!” little’n said, looking butthurt. “I’m not the one complaining here, so why am I having to go on the defensive?!”
“Because you’re as implicit in all of this as he is,” I told him before gesturing to the pair of them. “Yous two are both as bad as each other, prancing around, handing out them tickets and treating everything as a laugh. When we were on that boat, while I was busy waiting to challenge for gold, Tubby here was farting around dressed up as a fucking pirate! It’s pathetic!”
“It’s called havin’ fun, ya miserable cunt!” Tommy told me, frowning. “But we ain’t talkin’ a’bart that, we’re talkin’ a’bart you bein’ a backstabbin’ twat! It were me who sent them flowers an’ now you’re enjoyin’ the benefits’a my romantic efforts!”
Benefits of his romantic efforts? Who the fuck did the tubby twat thing he were, Casanova? Not trying to be rude or anything, but even if Marie knew he were the one who’d sent them flowers in the first place, I know she wouldn’t have been remotely interested. I’ve got no doubt over the fact she wouldn’t have been interest in me either if it weren’t for the fact that I had similar experiences to her where suicide were concerned. Not exactly the most romantic of subject matters to draw people together, were it? “Look, what’s done is bloody done, ain’t it?” I told him, which only served to annoy him more by the looks of it. “Let’s be honest mate, I’m punching well above my weight here, and you would be as well… only difference is, I know how she felt during one of the most traumatic experiences of her life. Would you have been able to help like I did?!”
“I’ve often wished to be dead when he’s got on the karaoke if that counts?” Johnny asked, before Tom smacked him up the back of the head. “Oi, fucking hell! What were that for?!”
“Just shut it, knobhead,” Tubby told him before turning back to me. “An’ aye, maybe a would ‘ave!”
“So who do you know that took their own life, ay?” I asked, wondering where he were going with this. Safe to say, it were exactly as ridiculous as I expected…
“Well ain’t it obvious?!” he asked, shaking his head and frowning. “A binged series one an’ two’a Thirteen Reasons Why in a single day! A know all a’bart dealin’ wi’ traumatic suicide at this point, am practic’ly an expert!”
I’d say I were shocked by how dumb his answer was, but having been friends with these two idiots for as long as I have been, I’d say there isn’t anything that would surprise me anymore where their idiocy is concerned. A normal bloke would – or should - be dumbfounded by that remark though, and in truth I were at least partially offended by how insensitive he were clearly being. “That’s probably the daftest an’ maybe even the most offensive load of bollocks I’ve ever heard you say, and yous should be ashamed of yourself Tommy Wasley!” I told him, watching a look of confusion quickly cross his face as he tried to figure out what he’d done wrong and clearly came up short. “I’m not even joking anymore mate, that’s just offensive. Suicide is a fucking awful thing to experience and you’re making a joke of it all because I were the one who ended up seeing Marie instead of yous? That’s low Tom, even for you…”
He at least had the decency to look ashamed of himself, his cheeks going a little pink in embarrassment. Rosy I guess you’d call it. And Johnny, he were looking between the two of us wondering if this were gonna get heated, but thankfully Tom said the right thing. “Am sorry,” he muttered, sighing. “But it ain’t fair, is it? It were me who went art on a limb an’ sent her them flowers an’ it were me who took a risk to try an’ get a date an’ you’re the one reapin’ the rewards…”
“Reaping what rewards?” another voice said and we all looked up to see Marie coming back to sit down again, a fresh glass of wine in her hand as she slid into the booth we were occupying and looked at me before turning to look at Tommy.
“Just talkin’ a’bart him winnin’ the Spirit championship, love…” Tommy said, taking me by surprise a bit. He were actually covering for me, even despite the fact he were salty about the whole situation. Just how guilty did he feel about that Thirteen Reasons Why comment?! “Was sayin’ how unfair it is that me an’ Johnny ‘ere ‘ave been in Emerge for ages an’ ain’t managed t’ win owt an’ then this twat turns up an’ wins gold wi’ in a matter’a weeks…”
“Aww, I’m sorry Tommy,” Marie told him, reaching over to pat his hand before sitting back and leaning against me, wrapping her arm nearest to me around my own and squeezing. “I’m sure you’ll be right behind him though. Tom here just has the benefit of being a singles wrestler so has more options and comes with a proven pedigree before Emerge… don’t let it get you down boys, your time will come…”
“S’all a wanted love, for my time to ‘come’…” Tommy said, frowning again. The double meaning wasn’t lost on me, and we’d be having more words later, even if he’d covered for me at first.
“I’m sure it will, Tommy,” Marie told him with another smile, before turning to look at me. “So if I ask you to dance will you give in straight away or do I need to get Kim to help me bully you into it before you ultimately realise it’s better to keep me happy to give in?” she asked me, and I looked over to where Kim was still dancing like a maniac.
“Long as I don’t have to do that dance love, I’m sure I can be convinced,” I told her with a chuckle, before an idea hit me. I mean, it was kind of weird I freely admit, but what if the solution to Tubby’s beef with me was staring me right in the face all along? “Before we do though love, tell me… is your sister seeing anyone at the minute?”
She looked over at Kim, still cutting bizarre shapes on the dance floor and thought about it for a second. “Doesn’t look like it. Her eyes look closed to me,” she said, before turning back to look at me and at first I thought she’d got the wrong end of the stick before she smirked mischievously at me. “If you’re asking whether she’s dating right now, then no. I’m not sure I could tell you the last time she was to be honest, but she did have a boyfriend once. He… wasn’t particularly right for her in the end, and she hasn’t dated since. Why?” she asked, before taking a sip from her wine.
“Well… I was just thinking…” I started to say before Johnny cut me off.
“You wanna be careful doing that bruv, you’ll hurt yourself,” he quipped. Fucking hilarious mate, should be a standup comedian instead of a wrestler, you clearly missed your calling!
I met his ‘joke’ with a flip of the v’s without even looking at him and continued talking to Marie. “I just… well, Tommy here was saying the other night over a few beers that he wouldn’t mind getting back on the dating scene. Was thinking… maybe we could put in a good word? You know, have a word with Kim, see if she’d be interested… double dating and all that stuff…” I told her, glancing over at Tubby out the corner of my eye, looking to see what his reaction was. He looked at me in shock before turning to look at Kim then back to me.
“Me an’ Kim?” he said, still sounding a little shocked.
“Well, I don’t see why not mate,” I told him, turning to look at him properly now. “I mean, you’re both free spirits, ain’t ya? Both of ya like to have fun, both a bit quirky… don’t know if you’re into stabbing people or throwing things at old people like she claims to be, but I’m sure we can probably find plenty of things you do have in common…” I went on, not sure if I was just trying to justify a ridiculous suggestion or actually convince him it were a good idea.
“Well, I don’t want to speak to my sister,” Marie said, having listened to what I had to say. “But I do think it could be worth at least thinking about… I mean, we spend a fair bit of time together as a group now, and it would be nice to see someone show Kim a good time too, even if I’m a little worried that a good time would even be in her mind… it could work!” she finished, smiling at Tommy, who had that whole dear in the headlights look going on, clearly put on the spot.
Thing is, if he went out of his way to try and woo Marie, then surely he’d be interested in Kim too? I mean… well, it speaks for its self, don’t it? Identical twins. “So what you say, Tommy? Want us to have a word and see if she’s interested?” I asked him and he turned again, looking over at Kim. It probably was a bit weird really, and I’m under no illusions that if Marie knew all the facts then I’d be back on the market myself too… but it was an option at least? Maybe, anyway. Call it an olive branch towards Tommy for what I did, a hand of friendship, a peace offering. And if Kim laughed and told us to bollocks then at least I tried, right?
Finally looking back at us, Tubby shrugged his shoulders and nodded. “Aye, alright,” he said, picking his beer up and drinking what was probably three quarters of a pint in one go before belching loudly. Classy mate, really classy. “But don’t be makin’ me out to be a dickhead or owt, alright?! A know you Tommy Cook, a don’t want you paintin’ me as some sort of unsophisticated pig or owt!” he told me, clueless to the fact that he didn’t need any help in doing that all on his own…
“What, me? Wouldn’t dream of it mate!” I told him, inwardly sighing but letting it slide. Instead I turned to Marie and nodded my head to the dance floor. “So I believe the lady said she wanted to dance; shall we?” I asked and Marie smiled before sliding out of the booth and I followed suit before grabbing her hand to walk to the dance floor. Hopefully we’d just sorted out a problem before it got too bad. Now all I had to do was figure out how we approached Kim without getting hit in the face by those flailing arms…
With wanting to beat around the bush, I gave Marie the nod and she thumbed the record button on my phone to set the camera recording. No spirit championship over my shoulder, no fancy set, just a camera and my ugly mug in the middle of the screen.
“Well… Symphony of the Sea were quite the event, weren’t it? Quite a night for me anyway, even if it were less successful for some others when all were said and done. I won’t go on at length about my success, I don’t even have the Spirit Championship with me right now to rub that in a certain little lasses face, ‘cause what’s done is done and hopefully she’s learned a lesson and if not, it’s no skin of my nose anyway.
I won’t make any jokes either, no sort of comment about being the first bloke to successfully lay on top of her or words to that affect… for starters, its my better half on camera duty and I don’t think she’ll take too kindly, and I don’t want Trinity coming after me again for being disrespectful to her family regardless of how much I were disrespected too. It ain’t worth the ball ache on either account.”
Marie tutted at me, dunno if the phone picked it up but it probably did. Could be worse.
“As I said though, Symphony of the Sea were a great night for yours truly, but not for others. My mate Tommy is one of them that didn’t have a great time on board that boat, which brings me nicely to this Monday night… ‘Cause I’m booked in tag action, facing a couple of newcomers, one of which were the mentalist that won that battle royal that made Tommy’s night shit.
I’ve gotta say, credit where it’s due… that nutjob Kali actually gave me a good giggle when she dumped Tom Tit into that pool: I’d show you the wallpaper on my phone, but that’s what my gorgeous assistant is fiming this on right now so I can’t… but take it from me, the image on that screen is him spluttering in that pool, and it makes me chuckle every time!
Unfortunately, that’s where the laughs have to end. Cause this week am facing that same nutjob me self and she’s got someone by her side that’s as nutty as squirrel pool too, with added connections to a karaoke singing twat from SCW… but she don’t want us talking about that, does she? Says it on the Emerge website! Kali and Yuyo… what a fucking team, ay?”
Can’t help but snort.
“I mean, I don’t wanna cause offence or anything, but it sounds like nonsence words a toddler would come out with when learning to speak, don’t it?
‘Kali mama, Yuyo yoghurt’ or some bollocks… But Kali… batshit crazy as she might be, I won’t be forgetting who trained her no matter how mental she is, I know that much. Much fun as I could have with these two, there’s a time and a place? Cosmic fucking Princess and crazy twat notwithstanding, it’s my job as Spirit Champion to try and make sure these two fucks are ‘spirited away’ to wherever the fuck they came from and sharpish!
So that means working with someone I don’t know, don’t care about and probably don’t like either… needs must. Melissa Kilgraves, Tommy Cook; for one night only, the best team in Emerge! Ain’t no other option, is there? ‘Cause I can’t win me first title three matches into my contract then immediately lose a few week after… I mean, does that strike you as the right kind of narrative for my career, huh?”
And with that, I tipped a wink to the camera and then gave Marie another nod. Short and sweet. Just like Johnny’s knob. Ha!
