There’s that old saying that claims if something is too good to be true, it probably is. A saying we’ve all heard, and one that generally speaking, makes a fair old amount of common sense really. That’s what it boils down to when all’s said and done. Common sense. Those dickheads who believe the spam emails about penis enlargement pills and think they work, or that a Nigerian prince really has left them a couple mill in a hidden bank account and they just need to send their details to gain access to it… they clearly don’t fucking have any. Then again, there’s another saying isn’t there, that if common sense was truly common, every cunt would have it, and that definitely isn’t the case from my experience, so maybe I’m just asking too much to begin with…
Then again, what right have I got to speak about anyone when I’ve clearly done the same thing where Lexy’s been concerned as of late. Oven-ready deal my fucking arse… boy, I sure bloody fell for that one, didn’t I?
Maybe I’m as much of a mug as all those sad cunts looking to make their little chap into a mighty stallion using dodgy pills off the internet are, given how I listened to Lexy and believed every word that came out of her gob. Still… at least it’s not me that got the truly shitty end of the deal in the end, I’ll admit that one. I mean, I did get a contract, which Lexy was true to her word on. And okay, the numbers are considerably lower than what I was making in GCW which is a bit of a slap in the face or a damning statement on Lexy’s actual negotiating abilities depending on how you look at it… but when you factor in the fact that Lexy has Autumn bankrolling the short fall on those number out of her own pocket somehow? Like I said, I’m not the one who’s got the truly shitty end of the deal, evidently.
It’s SCW who’s got the win-win, let’s be honest. They’re paying me peanuts in comparison to overblown past their prime pricks like David Helms and Cid Turner, yet getting someone who’s far younger, far more talented and will prove to be twice the draw in time as well. They’re probably laughing their way to the bank right now, knowing that this new group will make them some serious coin in the coming months! I have no fucking clue how Autumn is finding the money to top up my paycheque each month or why the fuck she’d even agree to it, but if she wants to oblige Lexy’s request then so be it. I’m not gonna tell her not to, obviously. I’m not that much of an idiot.
And to be fair… Retribution and our little surprise for that dumb twat Crystal was fucking fun, I can’t deny that. Which I realise now that I’m working with her again, I missed more than I realised at the time. Lexy and me, we always had fun when we were scheming together, causing chaos and having a laugh as we did so… and being back to that, it was almost rejuvenating I guess is the word for it? Or maybe I’m just reading too much into the fact that I’ve had a few months off while nursing an injury and that’s the reason for me feeling like I’ve got an extra spring in my step, who the fuck knows. But kicking Crystal in the face with Lexy… fucking hell, it felt good! It was like we hadn’t missed a beat, that it was only yesterday that we were tearing through teams in the IWC and proving that we were the most dominating tag team in that entire company, that no other team could bloody touch us. It was just like old times yet like those times weren’t old at all, but right here and now. It was fun!
And wasn’t that what I should want, more than money, or recognition from an employer that traditionally only sees us as tools to be used as they see fit anyway? I mean, isn’t that what all wrestling companies see their talent as anyway? I know that I see most wrestlers as tools anyway, but maybe that’s not the same thing… and yes, I’m smirking right now, thanks for asking.
Who knows though. Maybe this… maybe this is going to be even more fun than it was last time. Maybe this, despite Lexy’s half-truth’s and wonky promises in order to sell me on the idea, is going to be something that will turn out to be better than anything I ever expected… with people who want to have fun as much as they want to also steam the limelight and run the gaff. I won’t say ‘take control’ or ‘take over’ because let’s face it, they’re tropes as old as fucking time and I’m not that much of a cliche, but stealing the thunder from those already here sounds fun as balls to me, and a far more achievable job than taking control of something that it isn’t possible to take control of. Lexy’s fucking Angels. LexyCorp. Lexy Chapel Presents… jesus, this is gonna be interesting.
March 18th, 2021
Thousand Oaks, California
“Do we have any cheese? I really want to eat cheese right now! You know? Just… I really really want to eat something cheesy. Ooh! Grilled cheese!” Lexy told me with more enthusiasm for dairy product than some people talk about winning championships. Seriously, I’ve seen less enthusiastic World Champions following a victory compared to the passion in Lexy’s words as she realised that grilled cheese was a thing and that it was all she needed in her life at this point in time. It was kind of adorable if I’m honest. “Oh come on Kat, can we have grilled cheese pleeeeease? Please, please, please, please, PLEASE?!” she begged. Not practically, not kind of, but literally begged me as I lay there on the sofa staring at her.
Let me set the scene. We were high as fuck. Yep. Stone off our tits. Me, Lexy and Ace, who was somewhere else in the house, maybe hanging out on the roof, I have no fucking clue. When I got hurt at the back end of last year, the doctor have me that holy grail that is a signed document telling me I was allowed access to medicinal marijuana as part of the pain management process and up until now, that same doctor had no problem in continuing my prescription and granting me permission to continue smoking as a way of handling the pain as my shoulder healed. The second Ace found out that I had access to legal weed I may as well have become his best friend.
Lexy, not much of a smoker, wasn’t sure about it to begin with, and given that I’m the only one out of the three of us that had documented proof that I was allowed to do so for medicinal purposes - no doubt over with as soon as the SCW medical team caught wind of it - she was hesitant to participate… but let’s face it, when it’s two against one and those two are Ace Marshall and Kat Kelly, peer pressure is going to win every single bloody time.
“I… can’t feel my face…” I replied, not entirely sure why it was relevant to the conversation or her request. “I still have a nose, right?” I asked, worried it may not be the case.
Lexy swung her legs down from the back of the chair and righted herself to squint at me. She’d been sat upside down on the sofa-chair across from me with her head dangling over the edge of the seat and her feet pointing towards the ceiling, which had been unsettling for me to look at as I kept forgetting that she was doing it so freaked out a little every time I looked in her direction. Undecided, she got up and stumbled over to me, narrowly avoiding a catastrophic meeting of shin and coffee table as she did and got in my face. “Let me see…” she mumbled, before pinching my nose between thumb and forefinger. “Not anymore you don’t! Got your nose!” she said, pushing her thumb between her index and middle fingers like I was a toddler. She waved it in my face before turning and going to run, before tripping over her own foot and falling flat on her face. “Owie…”
The giggles hit straight away. And I don’t need to tell you fucks that giggles hit differently when you’re high. You just straight up don’t give a flying fuck about how you sound while laughing like a child at what is clearly the funniest thing to ever fun. My best friend is a dumbass. No two ways of looking at it. “Serves you right for stealing my ‘nose’...” I told her as she tried to untangle herself from her own limbs and get up off of the floor.
“I think I have a booboo,” Lexy told me as she dragged herself back onto her chair and tried turning her arm in ways an arm shouldn’t turn in order to look at her own elbow. “Oww… it hurts Kat. Look at it! Ow ow ow!” she said, rubbing at god knows what because from what I could see, there wasn’t anything there to rub it!
“Maybe I should find Ace and ask him to kiss it better?” I suggested, smirking.
I think Lexy forgot herself for a minute because her face brightened up and she nodded. “Ooh, good idea!” she said, with almost as much enthusiasm as she’d had for grilled cheese a moment earlier. “He can make the pain go aw--I mean, eww, no. He smells and I don’t want him kissing me, nuh uh! No way!” she said, realising herself and shaking her head vehemently. “I need cheeeeeese, that’s what I need! Please Kat, can you make me a grilled cheese sammich?! Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top?!” she begged, and I’m not sure if she was deliberately changing the subject or it was just a coincidence but the speed in which she did so was impressive either way.
“Fiiiine,” I groaned as I started to get up, huffing at being asked to do anything but lay out on the couch and enjoy the sensation of having no fucks to give about anything. Evidently Watty and his Mrs, Autumn, were on to something with that whole thing. “But it’s gonna be done with minimal love and little care... I hope you realise this…” I warned her as I headed for the doorway to make my way to the kitchen.
“Don’t care. Love youuuuu,” she called after me as I slouched and shuffled my way down the hallway to the kitchen to start making grilled cheese.
I hate cooking, yet end up doing most of it because in a lot of ways, Lexy is a giant fucking child that needs mothering… which is why I’m so shocked that she’s been able to arginise a coup or sorts in SCW if we’re being honest. I mean, I love her, but she’s ditzier than an airhead in a gust of wind and at times, I think a labrador may outsmart her unless she really thinks about things… but she’s pulled three clients together so far and surprisingly, I think we’d all bend over backwards to do what she asks as long as we can see the merit in it. That’s bloody troubling when you think about it. What else could she do if she really put her mind to it?!
Five minutes later the skillet was spitting-hot and the first grilled cheese was ready for the pan. It didn’t matter that everything seemed to be happening in slow motion for me as I prepared it, I was making Lexy her damn grilled cheese sandwich. I stepped back to let the bread start to grill and at most, ten seconds had passed before the door to the pantry flew open with a bang. “I smell grilled cheese,” Ace Marshall announced to the world as he stood there in his jeans and boots but completely topless on the upper half of his body, with what appeared to be powdered sugar around his mouth. “Ha! Knew it!” he said, stepping out of the pantry and closing the door behind him. “You know what goes great with grilled cheese, right?” he asked as Ace walked over to me, elbowing me out of the way entirely to look at the sandwich grilling in the skillet in front of him. “Beer. Not our American garbage though, needs to be something with balls.” he explained before turning to me. “Wait, you’re English, of course you know what I’m talking about. You can practically chew English beer.”
“Why the fuck were you hiding in the pantry?” I asked, feeling like that should be the more pressing subject for discussion if entirely honest. “And why the fuck is your face covered in sugar?!”
“It is?” Ace asked, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand before looking at it. “Damn donuts… still better than glaze though. That story still makes me shudder,” he added, with an actual shudder thrown in.
“Huh?!” I asked, confused as all buggery, but he waved the question away.
“Don’t ask, it’s disgusting and I don’t want to give you nightmares,” he told me, before changing the subject. “Do you have beer? Proper beer I mean?”
“I think we have Guinness?” I said, though I wasn’t entirely sure. Whatever we did have would be a leftover from he who must not be named in front of Lexy, who had a problem with drinking ‘American piss water’ unless he had no choice whatsoever. I’ll drink whatever’s in front of me, I’m not as fussy. “And seriously, what the fucks with donut glaze?!” I added, really needed to know now, but all Ace did was raise a finger and press it to my lips before shoving the whole palm of his hand into my face to push me away.
“Guiness will have to do,” Ace said, taking over grilling duties, which I almost complained about before realising the error of my ways. “Okay, I’ll take over grill duty, you grab the beer.”
I didn’t argue, I just did as I was told and found three bottles at the back of the fridge, hiding behind the girl ciders and pre-mixed cans that Lexy had filled it with since the stuff was purchased. I found a pint pot in the cupboard and brought them both over to where Ace was standing. “That one’s Lexy’s,” I pointed out, as he flipped the grilled cheese in the cast iron pan.
“Can’t deprive our new superstar manager of her comfort food I guess,” Ace reasoned, letting the sandwich grill unhindered as he flipped the spatula around in his hand absentmindedly. “She got the munchies I take it?” he asked, and I shrugged before nodding.
“Yep. Cheese,” I told him as I popped the cap off the bottle of Guinness and started to slowly pour it down the inside of the glass.
“Huh,” Ace said, a little surprised. “Savory. Strange. I usually get a real sweet tooth when the munchies hit,” he told me, gently prodding the grilled cheese sandwich with the tip of his spatula for something to do.
“That explains the powdered sugar at least,” I replied, leaving the Guinness to settle once I’d filled the glass up to around two thirds of the way up. I may be high as a fucking kite, but I hadn’t forgotten that Guinness needs time to settle.
“Got a plate?” Ace asked, lifting the grilled cheese to check it was cooked underneath, satisfied it was.
I grabbed a plate from the cupboard and took one of the sharp kitchen knives down from the magnetic holder on the wall, letting him slide the sandwich onto the plate before I cut it in half diagonally. “Come on, let’s go give the princess her precious snack,” I told Ace and he grinned as we made our way out of the kitchen for the lounge. When we walked into the living room, Lexy wasn’t sat in the seat I’d left her in, but sprawled on the couch, completely out of it. “Fuck sake,” I muttered to myself, irked that she’d pestered for the sandwich so badly then falled asleep - or passed out probably - before it was ready.
“Some people just can't handle their smoke,” Ace said with a chuckle. Lexy had one arm draped off the side of the couch onto the floor and her mouth hung open like she was trying to catch flies, drool dripping out of the corner onto the cushion beneath her head. Without saying anything else, Ace walked to the couch and lifted Lexy’s arm to drape it across her stomach instead before grabbing a throw from the back of the couch cushions, covering her up. I was going to point out it was a little warm for that, but didn’t want to ruin what was an unusually sweet moment by pointing out the obvious fuck up. “Alright, do you want to do the honours or shall I do it?” he asked, as he turned back to face me, and I looked at him with no idea what the fuck he was talking about. He nodded to the sandwich on the plate I was carrying. “Waste not want not… and one of us has to do the cheese pull, it’s the law with grilled cheese!”
“Be my guest,” I said, shrugging. He took the sandwich and pulled it apart with - i have to admit - an extremely satisfying cheese pull before he handed half to me.
“Cheers,” he said, holding his half of the sandwich out, and I tapped the half he’d given to me against it before taking a bite and sitting down in the chair that had been vacated by Lexy while I was out of the room. Ace took a bite of his half as he maneuvered Lexy’s legs out of the way to sit on the opposite end of the couch she was laying on, placing her legs across his to make sure she remained comfortable. “So… did you hear the one about the awkward interactions between two people that barely knew one another while their mutual friend was out cold from smoking weed?” he asked, smirking.
I have to admit I cracked a smile too. “It better be a good punch line, I know that,” I told him. “Because the joke isn’t very good up to now…”
“I don’t know if I should be insulted that you’re calling me a joke, or insulted that you’re saying I’m not that great…” Ace mused before taking another bite of his grilled cheese.
“Long as you’re insulted, that’s all that matters,” I told him and while he pretended to be hurt by my remarks, I could see the corners of his mouth twitching as he fought back a smirk. “Can I ask you something?” I asked, as Ace continued to munch away at his half of the sandwich.
He sped up his chewing and swallowed a little hastily, grimacing a little before answering through a mouth of unchewed remains of sandwich. “Go for it,” he told me, swallowing again to empty his mouth completely.
“The two of you,” I said, using my hand to gesture to him and Lexy in turn. “You’re… you know… right? You two are fucking, aren’t you?” I asked, deciding to hell with it, I was just going to come out with it and ask.
“Absolutely,” Ace told me with a shrug. Just like that. No preamble, no dodging the question or skirting the issue. He just flat out admitted it. I was impressed.
“Well that was easy,” I told him, taking a bite of my sandwich. I was expecting to have to force the info out of him somehow, but it turned out he was an open book. Probably a pop up book at that. Or a picture book. For adults though, because I’m sure the content wouldn’t be suitable for kids. “I was expecting it to be like pulling teeth getting an answer out of you, if I’m honest…”
“I’ve been told that’s what conversation with me is like at times,” Ace conceded, shrugging. “But I’ve nothing to be ashamed of and we’re both consenting adults… what’s the harm in it?” he asked and I shrugged.
“I don’t see any,” I admitted. It wasn’t as if me and Autumn thought it was a bad idea, anyway… I just thought it was fucking hilarious that Lexy felt like she had to hide what was obviously going on in front of our eyes. Or that she thought she was being believable at any rate. Because Toddlers covered in chocolate are, generally speaking, more convincing when denying they’ve eaten the last piece of cake than what Lexy has been in recent weeks. “I’m all for it to be honest, love… she’s still a stress head, but she’s been more relaxed than I’ve seen her in a while since you started whatever it is you’ve got going on…” I explained as he bit into the final mouthful of his sandwich. I looked at him before looking at my own and despite the fact I’d already taken a bite of it, I offered it to him and he took it from me gladly. I didn’t even have the munchies, I just wanted to sit and do nothing anyway. “Ever since He Who Must Not Be Named did what he did, she’s been all over the place, but it seems bumping uglies with you has steadied the rudder a little… so thank you,” I trailed off, amazed that I was thanking a man like Ace Marshall simply for banging the fuck out of my best friend. Funny old world ain’t it?
“Seems a little strange that you’re thanking me for sleeping with your roommate,” Ace said through a mouth full of grilled cheese, which believe me, is definitely not a sight you want to see.
He wasn’t wrong though, I guess. I mean, on the face of it, it was a bit strange. “She’s not just my roommate Ace,” I said, and his face lit up before I quirked a brow, wanting to make sure he didn’t get any wrong ideas. “No, that doesn’t mean I’m scissoring her every night, before you get any ideas,” I told him flatly, cutting that one off at the root before it could grow. “What I mean is that Lexy is as close to me as anyone in this world, probably closer than my own blood back in England who all but disowned me when the truth came out about who my real dad was… and while I love Trin and Kennedy and even Donovan, Lexy is just as much of a sister to me and seeing her upset after Nate did what he did,” I explained, pausing only to make sure Lexy was still out, given I’d said the dreaded N name. “It was heartbreaking, love… but she seems happier now, even if she has her head buried in the sand with a lot of things.”
“You care about her,” he said, nodding as he licked his fingers, the grilled cheese sandwich now long gone. I nodded my head. I did. More than most people I’ve met in life. “Without going into detail and talking about the private lives of other people who aren’t here, let’s just say that I can relate…” he told me, which seemed so at odds with everything I thought I knew about the guy, which admittedly wasn’t all that much as I never really paid attention until Lexy started ranting and raving about him, but this didn’t exactly fit with the narrative that I expected from the great Ace Marshall. “Your concern speaks volumes about you. I hope I have people who would speak the same way about me. Doubt I do for the most part, that comes part and parcel with being a douchebag at the best of times. But the one or two I care about, hopefully they would react the same way as you are now.”
“I’m sure someone gives a shit, love…” I told him, smirking to make sure he knew it was only in jest, but at the same time I hoped at least one person would feel that way about him. Life is a very lonely place if not one single person gives a toss about you. “But I want to make something else clear as well, while we’re at it…”
Ace sat up a little bit straighter, or as straight as he could without disturbing sleeping beauty who was sprawled across him anyway. “What’s that?” he asked, curious.
“If this, whatever this is, gets serious and then you do hurt her,” I said, leaning forward to put the empty plate I’d been holding down on the coffee table before leaning on my knees to lean towards him to make sure he was paying attention. “I won’t just threaten to cut off your balls like your ex-wife did on twitter every week, I’ll actually do it. No offence meant, of course…”
He gulped, perhaps a little theatrically, which makes me assume he wasn’t threatened in the slightest but he nodded. “Understood,” he said, and happy that he’d heard my message nice and clear I stood up.
“We forget about the Guinness,” I said, reverting back to my usual chirpy disposition. “I’ll poor the rest of the glass for you. I’m making myself a coffee though, it’s one thing blazing up but I’m not adding alcohol on top of that.”
“Actually, despite hating the stuff, coffee sounds good to me too, honestly…” Ace said, sitting back and resting his arms across Lexy’s legs in his lap. “I’m coming down anyway. I think the idea of you… ‘cutting off my balls’... may have been a little too sobering.”
“Feel free to roll another if you want,” I said, nodding to the little wooden box on the table. “There’s plenty left and I’ve got permission, so it’s rude not to…”
“I’m good. Just add a ton of sugar to the coffee and that'll work,” Ace said. “Weed was never my narcotic of choice anyway; the last thing I want is to end up like Lexy right now.”
“Asleep, or drooling?” I asked, and he turned to look at her, drool once again falling from his mouth onto her chin and the arm of the sofa now.
I couldn’t help laughing as I headed into the kitchen; I should have known that Lexy would be a super lightweight, given how easily she gets drunk. I mean, the two aren’t always mutually exclusive, but more often than not it turns out to be the case, and Lexy is a real lightweight, with no sense about when she should stop drinking. Falling asleep was probably the best thing that could happen in all honesty, because if she hadn’t, she’d probably have wanted to roll another joint and the last thing I needed was to have to play mother for Lexy after she went past her limit and started to pull a whitey. “Um… Kat? KAT!” Ace suddenly called out from the living room as I was putting coffee granules into the coffee pot and I put the bag down before rushing into the living room to discover that my gratitude over Lexy’s slumber was more than a little premature. “There wasn’t anything I could do to help,” Ace said, trying not to retch as Lexy sat sprawled on the sofa, sobbing and covered in her own vomit. Ace’s legs were covered too, and there was more on the floor. Jesus, she’d given The Exorcist a run for it’s money if the amount of puke was anything to go by!
“Ah bollocks,” I said, sighing. Guess I was playing mother after all. “Okay, come on love, up we get,” I said as I moved to lift Lexy under the arm. “Time for a shower I think, love?” I said to Lexy as I get her arm around my shoulder before turning to Ace. “I’ll get her cleaned up. There’s some of You Know Who’s clothes in a bag in the garage. Don’t expect his jeans will fit you because he was a stick figure, but the sweat pants probably will. Dump your stuff in the utility and I’ll get them washed and dried for you,” I told him as I took Lexy’s full weight as she was drifting off again. “And there’s a bucket in there too, if you can get that?” I added, nodding at the floor next to the sofa. Couldn’t have puked on the couch, huh love? That’s leather, it’s much easier to clean than carpet.
“On it,” Ace said, sighing but not wanting to sound like he was annoyed. I mean, it’s obvious that he was, he’d just been puked on… but maybe my little warning a moment again gave him pause at least. I was just glad I didn’t have to moan at him to get him to help. And true to his word, by the time I got Lexy cleaned up and she’d come around enough for us to go back downstairs, Ace had sorted it all out. I could even hear the washer running in the utility room and too, which I didn’t expect. I admit, maybe I’d been a little harsh on Ace Marshall as the reality was nowhere near what I’d expected based off of his reputation. Maybe he was going to be good for Lexy after all. And now that I had confirmation that the two were fucking at the very least… well, we can save that little nugget for a day when I’ve not had to clean vomit out of Lexy’s hair I guess. But you better believe it didn’t take long for me to text Autumn to tell her all about how I now had proof that it was happening and I’m sure between the two of us we can make good use of it anyway. Oh Lexy… poor, poor Lexy…
The video opens to show a single silver and black stool chair in the middle of the room, with plain black curtains hanging at an angle to the left and right which frame a white projector screen in the middle of the backdrop. Movement catches the eye from the right of the screen as Lexy Chapel walks into the shot wearing a black pants-suit and white blouse, taking a seat on the stool before looking into the camera and smiling broadly as she begins to speak. “Sup, fuckers!” the blonde shouts excitedly, a roguish grin sat on her face as she beams with what appears to be pride. “And well, where else I even begin but by telling each and every one of you that when Lexy Chapel says she has big things in store for someone, she truly means it, huh?” Lexy asks, shaking her head as she makes a few tut sounds with her tongue. “Is it my smile?”
Lexy attempts to force a frown onto her face, placing a finger at either side of her mouth to try and pull the skin down like Joaquin Phoenix in front of a mirror to add to the experience, but it doesn’t really help as the eyes give away just how amused she is. “Is it because I’m always positive or choose not to just look at the glass as half full, but demand a bigger glass and make damn sure that people know my glass also had more in it than what’s there now? Or are people just really, really dumb?” Lexy asks, looking thoughtful. “It has to be something though, because try as hard as I might, people just don’t pay attention when I promise them the world and that’s sad. Sad faces everyone, show your emotions. Aww.”
Bringing her closed fists up to either side of her eyes, she pretends to rub at them as if she’s crying, while sticking her lower lip out like a child about to cry. “Poor Doom and Gloom… poor, poor Eliza Doolittle and Marlon Brando,” she continues, not caring that she got both the team name or their individual names wrong. “They could have had it all. On a plate! A gold plated plate, with a cherry on top for good measure! But no… Doolittle and Brando chose to ignore everything I can do for them and what a shame, what a shame it didn’t work out very well for them in the end,” she says with a sad sigh.
And then just like that, she perks up and beams into the camera again. “But how about we stick to the positives, huh?!” Lexy suggests, with much enthusiasm. “Because do you know who did take my advice? Kat motherfucking Kelly, that’s who! I don’t think she actually fuck’s mother’s though… she’s straight as far as I know, so maybe that should be Kat fatherfucki-”
A voice from off camera interrupts Lexy’s musing. “Lexy! Focus!” they say, and presumably it’s Kat who is speaking but we don’t see them and can’t be sure.
Lexy snaps out of her musing though and nods with enthusiasm. “Yeah, yeah sorry. Where was I?” Lexy asks, looking off camera before suddenly perking up as she holds one finger up and nods. “Ah yeah! I was saying that Kat fatherfucking Kelly is one who did take my advice! And now look where she is, ladies and germs! One match into her career and one victory under her belt already, and this Thursday night in Nashville, Tennessee she goes one on one with the current Supreme Championship Wrestling World Heavyweight champion! Her second match, fuckers! Can you even comprehend that?!”
“And sure, Cid’s just a man, he is just a member of the roster like everyone else here,” she says, before waving the thought away with a hand. “But there’s people like Crystal Zdunich who are roster members, and then there’s people like Cidnay fucking Turner, who are roster members! You see the difference? Qualitay versus qualinay! Ha.”
Chuckling to herself over her, admittedly terrible joke, Lexy rubs at her eyes a little before simply smirking. “And how do you think this match happened?” Lexy asks, before straightening up and holding onto the lapels of her sports coat. “Because of Lexy Chapel, that’s how! Which just goes to prove what I was saying earlier about how people need to pay more attention to what I say, because when Lexy promises the world, she delivers!”
“And so with that in mind, for the second time in her SCW career; Lexy Chapel presents… Kat Kelly!” she finishes, before standing and applauding as she steps to one side and the screen goes black
:: SHIT.TALKING.WITH.KAT.KELLY ::
The video then fades from the set to a black screen, before the new shot fades in, and we see Kat Kelly sitting on the same silver and black stool, with the black curtains hanging in the background behind her instead of the screen. “She’s not bad at her job, right?” Kat asks with a smirk, and from somewhere off camera you can hear Lexy shout “damn right” in reply, which only makes Kat smirk a little more.
“For all the wannabe’s that think they can play at being a manager in SCW right now, take some notes fucko, ‘cause Lexy’s out here doing while you’re just trying, and she isn’t just doing a good job right now, she’s proving why that twenty twenty one manager of the year award already has her name on it!” Kat says, returning the hype train favour a little after Lexy’s kind words. “And ya know what, shitheads? Life in Team-Lexy-Corp-Angels-Presents, I’m not blowing smoke up your arses when I tell you that you won’t believe how fun this shit is. The last few weeks since I made my presence known at Retribution have been a bloody hoot, there’s no denying that!” Kat admits as she lays her hands in the lap. “Kicking people in the face, picking up victories, and generally making nuisances of ourselves at every opportunity… feels like home, know what I mean?”
“It’s a cracking feeling in all honesty, going to work and feely truly fucking appreciated,” Kat explains, nodding her head. “Imagine your own shitty lives, think about your crappy nine to five’s or whatever shift pattern you’ve got at Target or Walmart… now imagine your manager isn’t a fucking wanker and when you walk through the doors, you’re instantly appreciated! That is what it’s like being under the LexyCorp umbrella. Hate on us all you want loves, but I’m just out here having job satisfaction and I’ll bet dollars to donuts that most of you pricks who watch the shows can’t say that about your own meaningless lives, so who’s really winning here, huh?” she asks, laughing a little before simply shooting a smirk at the camera that says more than words probably could.
“If it helps though, we probably have the same amount of Karen’s knocking about backstage as you get through the doors at the Walmart you no doubt work in, so you’re not alone in that fight at least?” Kat suggests, hoping to at least bring some comfort to the meaningless existence of those watching at home. Somehow, she manages to keep a smirk from her face as she says it too, which is a nice bonus. “I could probably name at least half a dozen of ‘em without even thinking about it, which tells you what this place is like, but then again, not everyone can be refreshing and interesting like Lexy’s Angels, and it helps having a few of those type around for the rest of us to laugh at anyway…”
Kat shrugs, and as she does, one of her hands almost forms a sort of L-shape that is quite possibly a gesture that fans may have seen before, though Kat doesn’t acknowledge it. “I mention all of this for good reason though,” the Brit says as she continues. “Because I feel like it’s worth mentioning that being appreciated is bloody important in this business… and I’m not talking about appreciation in the David Helms has to be spoon-fed cheers from the crowd to feel validated appreciation, but the kind that comes from actually having people that care about you and generally see it as a good thing that you’re around,” Kat continues, and while it’s quite obvious that her comments are somewhat barbed or weighted down with a hidden agenda, she is at least genuine as far as the audience can tell, when she says she feels wanted.
“Because not everyone has the safety blanket of true friends around them…” Kat admits, with a hint of sadness in her voice. “It’s awful to see when someone allows people into their lives that just automatically take over and give nothing back in return for all they do take…” she continues, looking sympathetic yet boastful in equal measure somehow.
And then she starts to wave happily with a great big smile on her face. “Hi Cid!” she says, as she continues waving for a couple seconds longer, just long enough for it to feel uncomfortable. “You probably have no idea who I am, but in case you were wondering, I’m your opponent this week. Katrina Georgia Kelly, at your service!” she says, playing on her britishness a little more than normal as she tips an imaginary hat on her head, showing respect like an urchin in Victorian era London. “Now, I know you’re probably too busy allowing all of your friends to play with your possessions to actually know much about me, because let’s face it, I’ve been around long enough for a cup of tea and you’re this great big superstar who’s got Karen’s wishes to bow to and a friend to give your belongings to and have all sorts of other champion-y stuff to be doing, but just give me a few minutes so we can get truly acquainted huh? I’m not that bad, Cid, once you get to know me…”
Kat manages to keep a straight face for a few seconds before bursting out laughing. “Alright, I can’t keep that up; I’m a twat, let’s be honest about that one,” she admits, chuckling to herself still as she tries to pull it back. “But then again, given some of the company you keep, maybe I’m bloody delightful in comparison, so maybe you would ultimately decide that I’m not all that bad if you spent a few seconds to get to know the real Kat Kelly… if your new guidance counselor and stylist Karen Adams let’s you anyway,” Kat adds, smirking.
“Was that a cheap shot? It felt like a cheap shot,” Kat says, looking thoughtful. “Am I wrong though, Cid? I mean, okay, I’m the first person to understand that it takes two committed partners to form a truly successful tag team and the fact that you beat my brother-in-law Lucas and his friend Chris to win those tag belts, that proves you and Asher really are a great team…” she admits, nodding her head. “But you realise that doesn’t mean you have to share everything, right? I mean, seriously, co-World champions? And under the ‘guidance’ of Holly Adams?! Jesus wept man, does Holly keep your balls in her purse for safe keeping as well, or is it just your dignity that she’s got a hold of?”
“You’re Cid fucking Turner, love!” Kat reminds him, almost as if she feels Cid has forgot this. “You’re the man who destroyed his own friends to gain success, a man who did despicable things in order to succeed… and now you’re letting other people weasel in on your biggest accomplishment since returning to the ring in god knows how many years?!” she asks, shaking her head. “Christ on a bike, double champ or not, I don’t know why you’re even bothering to walk out to the ring if your giving half of everything to other people every time you accomplish shit. Like, I love Lexy like a sister, we’re best friends… but if I won the World Title and she suddenly started claiming she was World champion too, she’d find our chore rota was suddenly stacked way heavier in her direction than mine for the foreseeable future, and maybe I’d be considering actually starting to charge her rent!”
“Are you happy with the way shit is, Cid?” Kat asks. “Are you legitimately happy with Asher riding the crest of your wave, while Holly comes in post-success and acts like she’s masterminded the whole thing?” she continues to question. “At least Lexy works with her clients before they achieve things so she can share in the glory… this business has seen some golddiggers in it’s time, but christ, Holly may just take the cake for this one. Jumping ship from her Blondtourage reunion with Syren and Ravyn to the AC-Blondtourage Unit? Props for the well thought out and imaginative name by the way. Someone really earned their paycheque when they came up with that one… was the monkey paid in peanuts or did the handler want cash payment?” Kat asks, rolling her eyes before laughing.
Kat takes a deep breath and lets it out as a sigh. “Daft thing is love, you’ve been on a tear since you returned, ain’t you?” she asks, nodding a little in agreement with her own point. “And I have to admit, for a bloke who’s well into middle age, I’m impressed with what you can do in a ring still. And maybe there’s an element of this being a match that’s a bit beyond me at the minute, truth be told. I won’t rattle off my past accomplishments, given I did that in my last match and I’m not one for wasting my breath, but when it comes down to it, I didn’t do that here and I’m only on my second match so I’m most definitely the underdog when all’s said and done, ain’t I?”
“But we’re all underdog’s at one time or another, love…” she counters, with a shrug. “Nobody walks into this business a verified legend, but they can leave the ring as one. And we’re into April, with Cid Turner still unbeaten in twenty twenty one. The year of Cid Turner when all’s said and done. I can walk to that ring an underdog and leave it a legend if I end this little hot streak of yours, and let’s face it, maybe I put myself not in line for a World title shot probably, but it sure as buggery ain’t gonna contribute to me being held back, is it?” Kat asks, shaking her head for emphasis.
She looks off camera for a moment, apparently deep in thought before turning back to the camera. “You’re the champ love, and that means you’ve done something that few others have,” she explains. “Not just once but three times now, but there’s plenty who’ll never hold a World Title in their careers, and right now you’re the top dog around here, which demands respect,” Kat admits, before starting to give the camera a slow round of applause. “I’ll admit it love, I respect you. World champ, tag champ, tag series winner with Asher ‘I’ll fuck anything that moves’ Hayes by your side… but here’s my question matey; while I may respect you and others may do too… when you gonna start respecting yourself?”
Kat quirks an eyebrow and tilts one ear towards the camera as if waiting for an answer that obviously isn’t going to come. “When is Cid Turner going to realise he’s having the piss taken out of him at the minute and learn to say the word ‘no’, or just learn the meaning of the word? Asher sure as fuck knows the meaning of the word, given how often he hears it from women! And Holly knows the word, because she says it to pretty much every guy that tries to hit on her! So why are you letting the side down by propping it up with your own success Cid?!” Kat asks, shaking her head in disappointment.
“Last week, Holly Adams literally forced Asher to cut his hair off to make him look like her ideal image of a world champion,” Kat points out, before motiong with her hands to an invisible beard on her face. “Think about that Cid… Holly told the whole world at the end of the Breakdown, that Asher needed a haircut to smarten up and look the part so he could hold your world title with pride going forward. Leaving you standing there with your long hair and great big bushy beard like a small village policeman in a kooky british comedy film. What’s that say about how much respect your own ‘manager’ or ‘mentor’ or ‘agent’ or whatever the fuck she is has for you, the actual champion, huh?!”
“Fuck me, she practically told you that you’re not world title material last week and you’re just happy to be here, aren’t you?” she asks, before sighing. “But hey, what do I know? What do I know about the pressures of being in the SCW main event picture or being a world champion? I’m just a nothing, a nobody… I’m sure you’ll not even hear this in all honesty, Holly deciding you don’t need the distraction or some shit…” she says with a big shrug. “C'est la vie,” she says and from off camera, Lexy shouts “la vie” in response which draws a smirk from Kat.
“So who cares, basically. Who cares what some pissy little Brit has to say,” Kat continues, coming to an end. “Except, maybe this pissy little Brit is speaking a lot of sense right now. And maybe it’ll bite me in the arse. Maybe you’ll storm out from the back all determined to beat me and teach me a lesson about how I’ve done nothing but talk bollocks… but here’s the thing Cid,” she says, inching her chair a little closer to the camera now, to be a little more intimate with it. “Maybe you won’t. Maybe I’ll be the one who shocks the world and beats the world… the world champion, anyway. Maybe I get lucky and you take my invitation to the Superkick Soiree? Maybe I kick that beard off of your face and Holly has to force you to wear a fake beard until you stop reminding her of someone else that most people can’t stand the sight of in this gaff…”
“Maybe, Cid… Maybe something wicked this way comes… and maybe… maybe that just spells disaster for you. Let’s see on Thursday, shall we? Good luck love. Hopefully for your world title reign, you won’t need it. Ta-ta.” she finished, wiggling her fingers in a wave to the camera before the scene cuts back to Lexy Chapel on the previous set.
“And that, fuckers, is the beauty of this business, isn’t it?” Lexy asks, beaming happily into the camera. “We just don’t know what’s going to happen when a show hits the air, or a bell rings to start a match…”
“Kat Kelly could crash and burn this week,” Lexy muses, looking sad. “And if that happens, that’s fine,” she admits, shrugging. “I know she’ll give it her best, she’ll try her hardest… and if it’s not meant to be then so be it. But…”
“And this is a big butt. Maybe as big as Kandis’!” she suggests, though such a thing is hard to imagine as possible, honestly. “Maybe Kat shocks the world this week… maybe the ‘SCW rookie’, the unknown quantity, walks out and beats the world champion on Breakdown. And then what?!” Lexy asks, slapping her hands on her face like Kevin McCallister in Home Alone, feigning shock. “What happens, if Kat beats Cid Turner this week and no one sees it coming? Well… who knows. But you know what I’m going to be campaigning for if that happens, don’t you?”
“Like I said earlier, fuckers… when Lexy Chapel promises the world, she delivers,” Lexy confirms, with a wink. “And now that… that is how we leave things on a bombshell. That… is what we call a wrap. Aaaaand… scene!” she finishes, bringing a film clapper board up to the camera from somewhere off screen, snapping the bar on the top shut with a resounding clap and as she does, the video cuts to black.
