05-21-2020:
Dear Diary,
Please, strike me down where I sit writing this, because today I feel ugly and hate myself…
Okay, maybe I don’t hate myself, and MAYBE I don’t feel ugly, just… not as attractive as I did a few weeks ago, I guess?
Thing is Diary, I’ve always been super body-confident, I’ve ALWAYS said that everyone should feel comfortable in their skin, and if they make changes to themselves - because yeah, I can talk - then it’s just part of their journey, you know?
But lately, I’ve been reminded a few times that I’m not as young as I once was, and I guess my little insular bubble helped distract me from that until lately.
You already know I’ve got a house guest right now, I’ve already wrote about it, but Jordan has been staying with me for a few weeks now because she needed to get away from things and sort of do a hard restart, and as Dave likes to point out I’m just a sucker for helping people where I can, so of course I once again offered to open up my home to someone I barely knew, because that’s a thing that turned into a habit for me apparently?
That sounds way bitchier than i mean it though, I mean it worked out fine when I let Rachel stay, right? And Jordan seemed really nice and Jason also vouched for her so I didn’t really have any worries, and we’ve REALLY become great friends since she came to stay so I am legitimately happy I did offer the guest room to her.
...but between us, Diary, as much as I LOVE her being here because it makes things way more fun and exciting, especially when I’d normally be in on my own just watching television when Jay was with Dave and Regan, it also has the negative of reminding me that my body is aging and that I can’t exactly do a huge amount about that fact.
I know, I know, i’m in my late thirties, not my sixties, but in my head I feel like I’m still twenty one… albeit a RESPONSIBLE twenty one year old with her own business, house and a ten year old son… which kind of makes that whole thing kind of messed up and maybe I should back up there, huh?
But since Jordan moved in, I dunno, I’ve kind of been feeling my age a lot more, I guess? And I know why, I really do. I’m not blind to the fact that having someone so young and attractive around is basically fuelling my insecurity and I’d NEVER tell her that because that would be really mean, but on days like today, when we’re sunning it up on the beach and she’s there in her bikini with that tight bod and here I am, with a crazy lotion routine every night just to try and hold off the wrinkles, it kind of reminds you about… well, your own mortality sounds like a huge overreaction, but I don’t really know how else to put it.
Jordan IS sweet though, just a really sweet girl who has a heart of gold… she’s just made a few silly decisions I guess, which is probably why I ended up being mother hen, wanting to protect her when I offered to let her stay. She keeps trying to pay for her stay here, but I told her, if she really wants to do anything she can spring for some groceries or buy us dinner or whatever, I asked her to stay to help out, not for financial gain.
It’s funny though, because since I had her staying here and the whole insecurity thing that I’ve kind of developed on the downlow, I find myself doing things I wouldn’t normally do, which is totally some sort of midlife crisis I guess? Like, earlier tonight, Jordan came home and I had a guy around. Mike. He’s sort of sweet, but kind of an idiot and I definitely don’t see a future with the guy, which should come as no shock given I only started talking to him a few days ago on that dating app, Trender. I know, right? How freaking lame am I? But that’s not really the point I’m getting to, the crazy thing is that when Jordan asked about him, I kind of lied about the whole thing.
I mean, it was a little white lie sure, but I told her we’d been seeing one another since before Jordan came to stay, and that was such bullshit, that was literally the first time we’d met. He came around for dinner… which is a major no-no for me normally, because who meets at home for a first date unless it’s a booty call?! And I had NO intention of that happening, Diary, BELIEVE me with that. But I lied to her when she asked me about him because I guess I didn’t want to admit that I was acting so out of character just because of how anxious I was suddenly feeling about my looks.
It started this morning, when she first brought it up and I told her it wasn’t anything serious. Apparently the fact he’d kissed me goodnight last night meant it was super important. She has a lot to learn about Cali I guess? But then she brought him up again at dinner and this time it was kind of, more of a grilling I guess…
“So I’m kind of curious Kath,” she said hesitantly as I was draining the noodles that I’d made to go with the ragu and ciabatta, testing the water I guess. “And you can tell me to mind my own business if you like and I’ll completely understand if you do, but… why DIDN’T you tell me about this Mike guy until I practically ran into him last night?”
I’m kind of glad I had my back turned to her as I stood draining the pasta because it gave me a chance to set my face and she didn’t see the momentary panic flash across it when she brought him up again. “Oh, you know how it is sweetie,” I told her as I turned to carry the pot to the kitchen island. “You’ve been going through some things, with Jaina and Bree and everything, and I didn’t want to make it worse by talking about some guy I’ve been dating, you know?”
“What? That’s crazy! You can tell me about anything, it doesn’t matter what you’re helping me deal with!” she told me, and I felt even worse about the fact that I’d made up most of what I’d told her because she looked so upset at the idea that I felt I had to keep something from her, but there wasn’t anything to keep. “I already told you boo, you’re helping me so much, so anything I can do to help YOU, even if it’s just hearing the gossip!”
I shot her a smile as I put some of the noodles onto the two plates Jordan had put out. “Alrighy, message understood sweetie,” I told her, hoping to god we could change the subject before sitting down to eat. “You want cheese with this?” I asked, but Jordan shook her head.
“No, just the pasta and ragu is fine,” she said as I turned to put the pasta pot back on the stove and grabbed the one with the ragu in it. “So where did you meet him? I mean, I’m kind of living here right now, so I want to know all about him!”
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. “Oh, he uh, he owns the store next to mine,” I lied, mentally freaking HATING myself the deeper I got with this. What started as white lies were looking grayer by the second.
She wrinkled her nose up at that. “The antique bookstore?” she asked, before looking confused. “But… I mean, okay, not what I expected, but I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover, huh?” she added, grinning a little. Jesus, Diary, she has a habit of doing that. I hate her for it. Another reminder I’m not young. I mean, I don’t hate her obviously, but you know…
“You expected someone a little older? Maybe kind of stuffy?” I laughed and she nodded. “His dad owned the shop. He took it over.” How the hell was I spinning this story, Diary?! I was making this up on the fly and for what?! But I was getting deeper with each question she asked and the deeper I got, the harder it was gonna be to dig my way out.
She let out a soft giggle as she thought about how that made sense I guess? I ladelled ragu onto the plates and she grabbed them as I put the pot back on the stove and Jordan carried them to the table as I followed with the ciabatta on another plate. “I know I don’t have any real right to ask and I don’t want you to think I’m prying Kath, because I’m not. I just…” she said, pausing as she sat down across from where I’d sat and picked up her fork, without actually moving it to her plate. “Well I was thinking… maybe we should start looking at houses, like we talked about the other week? I mean, bumping into Mike the way I did last night, it set me thinking… me being here is going to cause problems in the long run, isn’t it? And I don’t want to be a third wheel or get in the way if you and him are going to get serious. I mean, he kissed you boo, that’s something!”
Again, California sweetie, you have so much to learn. But I shook my head, probably way too enthusiastically if I’m honest, but I don’t think she noticed thankfully. “No, no you’re fine sweetie, honestly,” I told her as I picked my fork up. “If I’m honest, last night was sort of a test… but between you and me, I’m already starting to get the ick where he’s concerned, you know?” I told her, putting my fork into the pasta and twisting it around to twirl some of the noodles and sauce up.
She looked at me, confused. “The ick?” she asked, and I nodded.
“Yeah, the ick!” I told her with a nod and a sheepish grin. “When you’re dating someone but you can already tell that it’s not going to work and you know you should probably end things? That’s the ick!”
“Oh,” Jordan said, hear head dropping to look at her plate. “So, um… the thing I probably ignored for weeks recently then?” she asked before looking up over the frame of her glasses, trying to play it off as a joke. Oh sweetie, you get it, you actually get it.
I didn’t say that though, that would be mean. “I’m more experienced at dating than you sweetie, that’s all,” I said, trying to be kind about it. I mean, I AM fourteen years older than her, I’d like to think that life experience counts for something, you know?
“You make me sound like some nerdy little virgin or something,” she said with a smile. I grinned back.
“Nah, I KNOW that’s not the case… Abigail isn’t exactly the shy and retiring type when it comes to oversharing her personal life, is she?” I explained and Jordan just shrugged before nodding. “Besides, it’s usually more of a negative to have MORE experience than less… look at the fuss it caused when Regan said what she did about Kandis.”
“I guess you’re right,” she said as I finally lifted some of the pasta and sauce to my mouth to take a bite. “Oh, you uh… you know what, here,” she said, grabbing my napkin across the table and she reached up to dab at my chin. This is why you should NEVER eat Italian on a date, it’s hard to eat spaghetti and be sexy. Thankfully this was dinner thrown together from what I had in the house and not a date, huh? “See, I got you,” she added with a wink before dropping my napkin back down on the table.
“Thanks sweetie,” I told her, looking away from her and back to the plate. She may not be experienced at dating, but if she did that while ON a date, I swear she’d have any girl weak at the knees and damp in between, ESPECIALLY with that little wink. I mentally shook myself as that thought flicked through my head though, because jesus Kath what the hell is wrong with you? Told you, Diary, I’ve been going through some crazy stuff since Jordan moved in. But it was worth it having someone around to talk to, and no matter what, things were DEFINITELY way more fun with her around. “Oh shit, I forgot the wine!” I said, jumping up and rushing back into the kitchen. I grabbed the wine from the fridge and brought it back to the table where I opened it. Two poured glasses later, I grabbed mine and held it up. “To the ick, and new friends!”
“You’re weird, you know that right?” She asked with a grin, before grabbing her own glass. “To the ick… and to amazing friends!” she corrected me before we tapped our glasses together and took a drink.
I guess, thinking about it now, I managed to dodge the bullets I HAD to dodge, and I wasn’t wrong about what I’d said about Mike, I DID have the ick where he was concerned… but I think that was more down to the fact I was kind of ashamed that I’d actually done something so dumb as sign up for a dating app and I already closed my account after dinner.
Because I guess I realised that I shouldn’t NEED to be insecure, you know? Am I ever going to look as hot as Jordan does? No. I’m fourteen years older than her, time and gravity are a thing and I’ve given birth to a beautiful boy that’s fast becoming an amazing young man.
But we should ALL be happy in our skin, Diary, that’s the takeaway from this. And recent bump in the road notwithstanding, I AM comfortable in mine. I may not be a twenty something anymore… but for a thirty eight year old? I’m fucking hot! Hehe.
Okay, that’s about it. Until next time, Diary!
Mwah!
Kath
xox
The video begins and we see Kathryn Pearson sitting on a purple couch inside of her home. The edge of a coffee table is just about visible at the bottom of the screen as Kath gives a little wave. “So how many of you were expecting that little announcement, huh?” she asks with a little giggle and a cheeky smile. “Sorry sweetie, I just didn’t want to spoil the surprise… some of my closest friends didn’t even know that the talks were going on, it was all handled by my new superstar agent slash manager and all-round ass kicker, Yvonne Knight, and EMERGE general manager, Mrs Styles-Copeland. I didn’t want to ruin it by throwing hints around on twitter or anything, because nobody likes a ruined surprise, am I right?”
Kath grins mischievously. “And truth be told, I was hoping that I could kind of just fly under the radar anyway,” she admits. “I haven’t been inside of a ring properly for what, three years now? Around that I think anyway, but it could be a year or so either side I guess. Whenever my brief run in GCW was anyway. Maybe it was two years ago?” she asks thoughtfully before waving away the question as if it doesn’t really matter. “Whatevs, the when isn’t important, what matters is that I’m not exactly super-confident that I could still do this, or I wasn’t super-confident until I started training again anyway. And I guess it helps having somewhere as great as AnteUp and friends as awesome as Jordan Majors, Ivy and even Brittany Lohan, who’ve all helped me so much as I tried to get into shape over the last few weeks… even if Ivy was the only one who knew why it was happening…”
Kathryn bites her lower lip nervously for a second before continuing. “So it’s not just you guys I should be apologising to, I guess. I mean, I’ve got friends who this was dropped on too!” she says with a nod. “But hopefully it’s a good surprise, right? I mean, the twitter reaction seemed cool, so hopefully people are happy I’m back… but now I’m over it. Because it’s game face time!” she says, pretending to wipe a hand down her face to replace the happy expression with a serious one. “Because I’ve been playing catch up and woooooow, I’m gonna have to toughen up to deal with some of the crap that’s gonna be coming my way in EMERGE, huh?”
“I watched Invasion: Paris from the safety of my couch and wow, I won’t lie, I kinda asked what I’d let myself in for a few times,” she says, nibbling her lower lip nervously again for a moment before shaking her head and looking confidently back to the iPad she’s filming this on. “But then I thought, Kath, sweetie, isn’t this what the business is about? Like, we all know the risks when we enter this business, right? Even the most basic of matches could end a career if something goes wrong, and if I’m going to take one final stab at carving out a legacy in the business that isn’t just ‘ex-wife of SCW legend’ then I need to woman up and grasp every chance that I get, you know? I had decent success in IWC and UWA, and the EMERGE twitter account did describe me as someone with a championship pedigree… but I know I can be more than my brief stints in the business!”
Kathryn beams with pride at that but she tries not to let it go to her head as she continues. “But despite being a former X-Class champion, I’m not here looking for handouts,” she says, shaking her head. “When I face Zero in around a month - because yay me, joining in time for the mid-season break - I’m coming at him all guns blazing! I have more to prove now than I ever did before, because much as I hide from the fact, I’m not getting any younger! This could be my final run in the business, and I’m not ducking out this time, not like I did in UWA. I’m in for the long haul and I hope you guys enjoy the ride along with me!” she says, smiling sweetly at the iPad camera. “But anyway guys, I set myself a certain amount of time to film these things each week and that time is nearly up, so I guess I should bring this to a close. But I’ll see you all in Cardiff in a few weeks time, okay? Until next time, guys...” she finishes up, bringing her fingertips up to her mouth and kissing them before blowing the kiss towards the camera. “Mwah!” she sounds out with another huge smile on her face as she wiggles her fingers at the camera by way of a goodbye before she reaches out to his the stop button on her iPad to end the recording.
