We click play on the video and as we do, a small loading icon appears in the middle of the blank screen, turning slowly as the video buffers for a moment before fading out as the video finally begins to play. And now that it's playing, the first thing we see is none other than Supreme Championship Wrestling star and member of the Helms Dynasty himself, Jason Helms, standing in what we know to be the home-office inside of his home in Aurora, just outside of New Orleans. He stands in the middle of the shot wearing ripped blue jeans and a t-shirt that… would definitely be described as being somewhat crude. The image on the front depicts a caricature version of what is clearly meant to be Sienna Swann, bent over with her butt cheeks spread wide to reveal her ‘chocolate starfish’ as the words “Heavenly Asshole” are emblazoned above and below the image. The grin on Jason’s face goes from ear to ear as he completely ignores the shirt he’s wearing for once and instead tips a casual salute to the camera. As he lowers his hand back into his pocket a date stamp appears on the bottom left hand corner which reads 07/06/2020. The date fades out again as Jason finally begins to speak. “Sup ass-clowns?!” he asks, smirking more than usual at the irony of his opening thanks to the shirt he wears. “Been a while, huh? I can hear the clamouring, hear the question; where is Jason Helms?! Where are the scathing words of our lord and savior?! Why the fuck has the mouthiest cunt in the SCW universerve stopped blessing our ear holes with his dulcet tones while he does nothing but talk shit about people on his youtube channel?! Well, fret not my dear friends, I’m back! Copyright Arnold Braunschweiger, probably… and boy, what an exhilarating match, a rubber match from two weeks ago, no doubt dreamt up because Sasha feels a match should actually happen when it’s booked instead of failing to happen because one half of the equation has a stick up their ass and can’t take a bit of light ribbing about the length of her entrance but hey, more on needy annoying bitches later, because first off I need to talk about… wait, no, you know what, I don’t have anything else to talk about, let’s just get straight to the point, huh?!” he asks, grinning as he brings his hands from his pockets to clap before rubbing his hands together in excitement. “Because let’s be honest, while I mocked the booking somewhat just now, it makes plenty of sense for the booking committee or whoever actually books our shows, to want to actually try and ensure that Jason Helms versus Sienna Swann happens heading into Rise To Greatness, at least from a booking point of view anyway. I mean, your main event of the biggest show of the year is my big brother Dave facing the other annoying whiny bitch Bree Lancaster, so what makes more logical sense than throwing the younger better looking Helms against the best friend of our current world champion in a match that means absolutely nothing whatsoever?! Yep… I’m saying it here and now; if this match is actually happening because I happen to have popped out of the same vagina as Dave did and Sienna is Bree’s B.F.F then yeah, what the fuck does it mean in the long run anyway? Zip. Zilch. Nadda! But! And that’s a big but. Almost as big as a Kandis level butt, just with one less t… because you see, my dear darling ass-clowns, while this match is going to have no bearing on what takes place at Rise to Greatness, that isn’t to say that I don’t want to really, really win it! Let’s not add a narrative that doesn’t need to be there, shall we; person a’s friend slash cousin slash brother slash neighbour losing to person b’s sister slash dog walker slash zebra enthusiast isn’t going to mean a thing when it comes to a and b finally clashing inside of a ring… but for said friend slash cousin slash brother slash neighbour, or as I like to refer to myself as, for moi,” he says, motioning to himself with both hands, “it could mean so, so, soooo much!” 

“Because as much as I hate to admit this,” he says as he continues to speak, legitimately cringing a little as he gets to what he does indeed hate to admit. “Sienna Swann is much much more than a needy, whiny, complaining bitch… she’s so much more than some creepy psycho who would wear Kelcey Wallace’s skin over her own if she was given the opportunity to do so… because as painful as it is to say it, she’s a damn talented wrestler and putting on a good performance against her - as much as she likes to think she’s chronically undervalued around here whenever she fails - is a way of ensuring that Sasha and the other powers that be pay attention. And let’s face it,” he says, bringing one hand up to frame his own chin, nodding to a point he hasn’t even made yet. “My big bro is straight up stealing the limelight right now, isn’t he? I came back to a wrestling world where he was gone, he’d already rode off into the sunset, the sun had come down on his career, and I was free to kind of do as I wanted and I was basically my own measuring stick. But not anymore! Because us Helms boys, we’re back and having fun… only he seems to be having the lion's share and I’m dealing with the assholes and crackpots and bitches who constantly post pictures on twitter that make her look like she has a tiny dollop of dog poop beneath their nose and they’re trying not to smell it! I’ll let you decide which of the above is applicable on any given week, though I’d suggest that depending on whether it’s a day that ends in a Y or not, my next opponent could very well fit into any category but who the fuck is counting, huh? Not me!” he says, shaking his head enthusiastically for emphasis. “But judgement of her as a person and her actions aside, I am legitimately conscious of the fact that Sienna Swann is an impressive wrestler when she isn’t hiding behind cheating, lying, throwing tantrums and letting others do the goddamn work for her! That’s the bullshit thing bro, because I came to a similar realisation about my own career, that the cheating and corner-cutting negated the positives where my own ability was concerned; Sienna Swann has shown consistently over her career here in SCW that she is more than just a capable wrestler when she truly turns it on and on her day there isn’t a single wrestler on this roster that’s uncategorically better than her… problem is, she doesn’t actually try all that often because she would rather take a cheap shot or let others do her dirty work for her in case she breaks a fucking nail!” 

Jason rolls his eyes and shakes his head, clearly unimpressed despite his own somewhat chequered history in his early SCW days is concerned. He never said he wasn’t a hypocrite, after all. But unlike the leopard, he did change his shorts, so he feels entitled to judge. “Is it fear of failure, Sienna? I’m legit asking you a question here, not just being a dick for the sake of it, I’m truly curious… the cheating and the scheming and the plots that are more elaborate than a M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie… are they all designed to help you succeed, or give you a safety blanket should you fail?” Jason asks, a look is true curiosity on his face. “If we can surmise that we know you’re talented, which again isn’t even in question, and we can also surmise that you believe you have what it takes to continue to succeed, then why the fuck do you need the elaborate games and plots and schemes in order to shortcut your way to that success?! That’s why I’m fucking convinced that it’s more a safety blanket to provide excuses when you fail… because that’s your actual biggest flaw, Sienna! It isn’t the arrogance, or the quest for ripped off perfection or even the shit on the upper lip photos that you post regularly on twitter. It’s the fact that you never fucking own anything! Look at me… and I’m more than aware that I’m a god-awful example to set for anyone in life, let alone in this business… but success or failure, I own up to my shit! I don’t spend hours concocting a bullshit excuse that’s designed to do damage control after every loss, I just take it on the chin and move the fuck on! And let’s be honest shall we, people would probably be more receptive to the idea that maybe you’ve suffered from Sasha’s dim view of you if you didn’t make the lame excuses that you do with alarming regularity in order to save fucking face! Is it a model thing? I’m genuinely curious, because Bree does the same damage control thing, the same excuse making that brings out belters such as “I let them win” or “I’m being held back” instead of “I wasn’t good enough this time out”. It’s hardly fucking endeering, is it?!” he says, shaking his head. “So maybe it’s a model thing, that image is just so damn important to people like you that the natural fucking reaction to any negative press - in this instance a loss - is to go into spin mode and try and make good of it by making excuses and false claims or just flat out lying to try and absolve yourself of the blame! Is it something Laura taught you? Because to be fucking blunt sweetheart, I’d have more of a problem with questioning if you are actually held back if you pulled your head out of your victoria’s secret catalogue ass and admitted you made mistakes in the ring at times than I do when you try and make out your heavenly asshole can’t do wrong and it’s someone else to blame whenever shit doesn’t go your way!”

And as if by magic, Jason smirks and takes a moment to look down at his shirt to finally acknowledge it before returning his eyes back to the camera, simply carrying on without making mention of his shirt. “Wanna know what else I have a problem with though?” he asks, as if someone is actually going to answer him despite him being alone in the room. “This whole ‘Heavenly’ bullshit you’ve got going on. I mean, first of all, if heaven is actually full of people like you then fuck me, I’m glad I’m basically an athiest! Seriously, if everyone in Heaven is a vain piece of shit then I’d rather head the other way than deal with that bullshit… I can’t say the nickname isn't fitting though, because in a world where Chad Evans claims to be god, of course a vainglorious arrogant bitch is going to be an angel! But let’s dissect that bulshit sweetheart, because while I get what you mean with it all, while I understand that you’re basically just trying to point out your own… cough… perfection… to all of us ugly, bottom of the totem pole basic bitches, have you even bothered to think for two seconds what you’re actually promoting with this heavenly bullshit?! You were the Iron Angel, the Heavenly Angel, the Angelic Press or whatever that shite was… all those connotations, but you haven’t stopped to think about the fact that in the entire canon of God and his kingdom, the Angels were literally shafted at every turn because God saw the human race as superior to his first creations and gave them not only no free will but no genitalia either!” Jason says before his eyes go wide. “Holy fuck, is that why you basically stole Kelcey’s husband and her child, because you you’re basically a Barbie doll between the legs and can’t create life yourself?! Oh god, now I understand the Heavenly Angel bullshit, it all lines up now! Jesus Christ, Sienna, I am so sorry!” Jason says, looking absolutely devastated for a second before a smirk slips across his face and he chuckles again. “Okay, maybe that’s crazy and we’ll assume you didn’t pick the nickname because you’re anatomically incomplete on a biological level… but do you realise just how second class the various chorus’ of angels were in the Christian canon? That’s canon in terms of stories by the way, not Superman’s elder kid. Feel I should point that out in case you’d not already grown bored and stopped listening by this point and were actually trying to keep up with where I’m going with this. For starters, the bible literally says that humans will be higher than angels in the kingdom of heaven… so already, you’re accepting that the rest of us are better than you, because you wanted a cute marketable nickname! So now we’ve got the notion of you being scared of failure and the idea that you see yourself as second class behind the rest of us… christ, you’ve got all the makings for true humility if you ever wanted to show remorse for being such an insufferable thundercunt!”

Jason laughs to himself again, shaking his head before letting out a sigh. “All joking aside… I’m pretty sure I’m fixing for another fucking beating this coming wednesday, just as you and Xiamara dished out to me two weeks ago,” he ssays, shrugging his shoulders resigned to the fact that he’s fairly sure he won’t come out of the match on Wednesday unscathed even if he wins. “But let me be clear with this, Sienna… if it weren’t for these fucking migraines I keep getting, I’m not quite so convinced that things would have gone the way they did two weeks ago in Little Rock! I’m not saying I’d have beaten you, in fact given my assessment of your ability when you actually try, I’m pretty sure the odds wouldn’t have been in my favour two weeks ago as they probably won’t be this week either… I’m not a former world champion, I’ve not been in the main event here in SCW, I’m not a model, I’m not a cunt… wait, scratch that last one, we all know that isn’t true,” he says, laughing at himself again. “But you know what Sienna… after Dave beat you and your hubby at Taking Hold of the Flame to win the whole battle royal, I’m not the one with the eyes on me either. In fact, I haven’t won a single match since Taking Hold of the Flame. I’m pretty sure I’ve only won one since returning actually, but that may be somewhat off. Thing is… unlike you, I don’t have to throw a tantrum every goddamn time I do lose, because I know what a blip looks like and I know that the business is filled with ups and downs! So maybe you’re the favourite, and maybe momentum is going your way. Maybe you’re even the better wrestler, should my ego allow me to admit that. But I’ll say this, Sienna… someone like you, someone who can have everything going for them and still not be happy? Beating me isn’t going to give you what you want. It’s not going to fix things after Dave dumped you out of the flame. It’s not going to change the fact that you’re not in the world title picture, whether Sasha is keeping you from it or not. It’s not going to make you feel better about the fact that you’re not Kelcey Wallace and it’s not going to make you happy, because I don’t think you’re even capable! You’ve been on the top of the mountain, you have a husband, a ‘child’ of your own, money, supposed good looks, the whole nine yards… but the one thing you don’t have is a shred of happiness and even if you win on Wednesday you’re going to lose! Because I am happy. I’m happy with what I have, I’m happy with who I am. I don’t need to scream to get people to pay attention to me, I just live my best life and it’s enough for me. So how about you try and think about what you have going for yourself, huh?” he asks, his eyebrows raised. “And here’s the kicker, Swann. While you’re busy raging about absolutely everything wrong with the world in your view, I’m just getting on with things… and that may just end up being a problem for you on Wednesday because the weight of expectation isn’t on my shoulder and I don’t have to has twenty seven eyes on twenty seven different fucking issues during a match either! I just have to keep my eyes on you, and maybe cast a glance for any of your sucker punching punk ass friends with it. So what happens Sienna… what happens if for a second time this year, you get beaten by a Helms? Will you scream about how much of an injustice you’ve suffered… or are you going to finally admit that you were just beaten fair and square and move on? I don’t think I’ll hold my breath on that one.” he says, shaking his head before bringing one hand up with his finger and thumb forming a pistol, which he points directly at the camera. “Bang!” he says, winking as he ‘fires’ the pistol at the camera and as he does, the video comes to an end, with the final frame freezing as the video dims and the replay button appears in the middle of the screen.