I know it probably goes without fucking saying really, and I don’t like to state the obvious like some moron who can’t say anything better than what’s glaringly apparent to most people, but there aren’t really many things in life as good as the feeling you get once you’ve got something off your chest and cleared the air with others when you have problems. I’m not talking about stupid shit here like grudges or feuds in pro-wrestling. Would I get any great pleasure out of burying the hatchet with Konrad Raab? Doubtful. Burying a hatchet in Raab maybe, but in the grand scheme of life, clearing the air with him wouldn’t really make a whole lot of difference for me, it’s a petty squabble when all is said and done. But we’ve all been in positions where you have problems with people or situations you find yourself in where you can either speak up or keep quiet and just put up with it. And yeah, those conversations can sometimes make things worse, I admit that. And in those situations, it feels like things are just going from bad to worse and you more than likely end up wishing you’d just kept your fucking mouth shut… but when things do work out, that feeling of relief you get? It’s amazing, it really is. And sometimes, you’re actually left surprised by that fact that things went a lot better than you expected, which makes a refreshing fucking change given how shitty life can be at times. I think I’ve been in those kind of situations more over the past year than the decade before; in fact, since signing with SCW in May of last year, I’ve been through more drama shit than any other time since I started recovering from my accident, and I have to put that partly down to just how full of bullshit the business is, but also how many changes I’ve made in my life over the last seven or so months…
The thing is, you have to be willing to take those risks. Yeah, there’s a chance it’ll go wrong, but there’s just as much of a chance that it won’t, and that’s what people need to realise. Some people just have this propensity for erring on the negative and that shit is just fucking counterproductive bro, it really is. Yeah, you can worry about things not going your way and I get that, I’ve been there myself recently as you know… but fuck, take risks from time to time! I’ve done that recently, I’ve approached people and subjects over the last year that I know could end badly but needed to be touched upon for my own sanity, and up to now I’ve got to say that it seems to have worked out well.
I mean, I’m not saying everything is going to keep coming up Millhouse in every way for the foreseeable future… but when I think about how positive those conversations have been for me and how much worse my life would have been if I’d not taken risks or attempted to clear the air and address issues with certain people. I’ve had a blast over the course of my time in SCW so far, and my personal life is way more fun than I ever thought it could be considering I made a return to a business that’s notorious for fucking up your life if you let it and the idea of not making some of the decisions I have? I don’t even want to think about that. There are few people who can say with their hand on their heart that they love their life, but right now? I fucking love my life, even with some of the complications that have cropped up. But that doesn’t mean I can rest of my laurels either, something I’ve tried not to do since I returned at Taking Hold of the Flame last year. I’m ready to keep kicking things on and I’m using those situations to my advantage where I can. Whether it’s dealing with douche bags I encounter in the business or sorting out things with people in my personal life, I’m still going all-in on that crap to ensure I keep that trend moving forward into twenty eighteen. I’ve got a long way to go yet and who knows if I’ll be happy regardless of how well things go, I may become one of those assholes who’s never happy despite how much success he gets… but I’d like to think I won’t because that kind of cunt, even if I happily admit I am a cunt in general! But with the changes I’ve made, with the encounters I’ve had with people and the way I’ve dealt with things, everything is going well so far, and as we enter another year I’m ready to continue throwing out the same phrase I’ve muttered since day one of coming here to SCW, and it’s one you should know well by now. It’s all about the name!
Los Angeles, California
Late December 2016
Looking back, I’m still not sure what I expected to happen once the DNA results proved I wasn’t the lying sack of crap that Dave believed me to be. It was a real rollercoaster ride of emotions over that period for me; I went from hating Dave, wanting to get even with him because it felt like he just moved on following my disappearance, to finding out the truth about how my missing person status affected him. I realised I didn’t hate my brother, but that I let my bitterness cloud the fact that I missed him being a part of my life. It was a horrible feeling, almost helplessness in a way, because I knew that until those results were placed in his hand he wouldn’t believe me what so ever. Hell, that short few hours while we waited was a microcosm in itself, a perfect metaphor for my emotional ride over the weeks than proceeded it. I went from being excited about proving I was telling the truth, to optimistic about what the results would mean for our relationship, to wanting to punch him because of how much of a dick he was being in that waiting room. I mean, it says it all doesn’t it, the fact I actually tried walking out before the results had even come back confirmed we were brothers, telling him to stick it up his ass. I should have been a little more sympathetic to him really, now that I look back on it. That’s the benefit of hindsight I guess, but thinking about how I reacted, I dunno what else I expected to happen; I mean, putting myself in Dave’s shoes, I’d have been somewhat hesitant to believe me too, so why was I that surprised to find that he was more than just a little hostile until the results came back?
It must have been difficult for him, when you think about it. Imagine being in his position, some random guy moves in next door and then a month later you get some message saying ‘go to this café’ and then the same random guy from next door tells you he isn’t actually who he said he was but he’s actually your brother… it’s no real surprise that he was angry with me, that he didn’t believe anything I was saying. I’m not trying to excuse the way I reacted that day, especially the way I behaved after the clinic produced the results of the test and confirmed that the DNA from both samples basically left them with little doubt over the fact that we were blood relatives…
But at the same time, I felt like I’d been kicked while I was down in a way? I dunno… I mean, it was a fucked up situation all around, I get that, and I meant what I said about not wanting to make excuses for the way I behaved because that was pretty inexcusable, but I let my guard down and all I got for it was a load of anger and resentment. I think that’s why I ended up reacting the way I did, because I was hurt that I’d let my guard down and had it thrown back in my face; I’d confessed my biggest secret to the one person that it truly meant something to and instead of him seeing the truth for what it was, he threw it back in my face and I resented that. Not proud of how I dealt with it but what’s done is done, you know? Fortunately, despite Dave’s reaction and then my own reaction at the end, I didn’t actually storm off. Dave chased after me when I tried walking out of Existence Genetics, and while there wasn’t the clichéd Hollywood ending where we hugged it out right there on the sidewalk before becoming inseparable as brothers again… him using my real name was a fucking good start, I know that. We left the car parked in the Existence Genetics parking lot and took a walk up the block to the nearest bar, the air between us feeling awkward as fuck as we ordered a light beer and sat down at a quiet table in the corner, but at least the hostility was gone, which was a refreshing fucking change after the previous few hours. And it’s not like I expected it to be an instant fix anyway, you know? I figured it would take us a long time to get to a place where we were actually back on track. The important part was getting Dave to accept the truth, and then we could deal with anything else afterwards… but that didn’t help deal with how awkward things were in that moment, and while it’s funny looking back, at the time, it was just fucking painful…
“Decent beer,” I remember saying despite the fact it was actually garbage, trying to fill the silence as we sat at the table, some douche bag pumping quarters into the juke box playing god awful music to just make things worse.
“Not bad, yeah,” Dave said with about as much conviction as I’d had when I made the original statement. If things continued on like that, it was going to get pretty fucking old pretty quickly, I knew that much without having to spend more than half a second pondering it! “Pretty hoppy,” he added, taking another swig like we were a pair of fucking hipsters tasting the newest craft beer of some micro-brewery… I fucking hate hipsters, so you can probably guess how happy I was about that.
“Ugh, you know what, it’s not good beer, it’s awful,” I said, sighing as I put the bottle down on the table and pushed it away. “It’s light beer, and light beer is never good… and this is awkward because neither of us wants to be the first to actually talk about what just happened…”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Dave said with a nod of agreement, placing his own bottle down and sliding it across the table. “Not just about the beer, but the other thing too… and I do want to talk about it, because there’s so many fucking questions I want to ask, but after doubting you and finding out how wrong I was to not believe you, I didn’t want to push things, you know?” he asked, slipping his hand into the inner pocket of his jacket to pull out a fairly crumpled twenty pack of cigarettes and a zippo lighter. The pack looked pretty battered, as if he’d had it a long time, and I couldn’t help but look at him in surprise as he flicked the bottom of the pack to pop one out of the slot in the top. “What, the Marlboro? If you tell Regan about this I may have to actually kill you and hide the body in that empty grave, because if she finds out it’ll be me getting buried instead,” he said with a smirk… kind of macabre but it didn’t stop me from chuckling none the less. “They’re for dealing with stress… I don’t consider myself a smoker anymore, I don’t even use that vape thing much now, but sometimes I just need a cigarette to calm me down. I’ve had this twenty deck for more than six months and I’ve only had about three out of it. I did bum a few from Aaron though, when after you turned up in that coffee shop, which Regan does know about, so that’s safe at least. I’m going out for one, you coming?”
“Sure,” I said, grabbing my jacket from the empty chair next to me and slipping it on as Dave popped the filter end of his cigarette into his mouth. “Just gonna grab a couple soda’s, I’ll be out in a minute,” I told him and he nodded before heading for the door. I grabbed a couple bottles of coke from the bar and carried them outside where Dave was sat at a table outside, a couple drags into his cigarette. I slid one of the bottles over to him as I sat down and grabbed the pack of smokes from the table to pull one out for myself. I hadn’t smoked in years until that point, apart from the odd joint over the years before I came back to wrestling, but if he was risking Regan’s wrath, the least I could do was be a participant. “Oh stop,” I said when I spotted the look he was giving me. “If you’re shocked that I’m having a cigarette then you obviously don’t remember I was a smoker back when we worked in TNT together… and if you’re pissed off that I’m stealing one of your secret stash smokes then I’ll buy you another twenty pack to make up for it, so leave it out alright?” I said before stirking the wheel of the zippo to light the end of the cigarette dangling from my lip.
“Okay, okay, point taken...” he told me, holding his hands up defensively before taking another drag on his own cigarette.
I thought I’d damn near cough up a lung after the first drag but I didn’t, and I exhaled into the air before sitting back in my chair. “So you said you have a bunch of questions?”
“Fuck bro, you have no idea,” he said, nodding before his face screwed up awkwardly, as if he’d just realised what he’d called me. We both knew ‘bro’ was basically interchangeable for a host of other words but we are from New Jersey… can take the boy out the burbs but you can’t take the burbs out of the boy!
“Lay it on me man,” I said, actually avoiding the b-word for now. Wanted to avoid any more awkwardness than what was already hanging over us. “Gonna have to talk about it at some time, right? May as well get it over with so we can think about moving forward…”
Dave nodded his head, taking another drag on his cigarette – which I’m convinced was just about playing for time – before he finally exhaled and stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray on the table in front of us and with a slight frown on his face he looked me fully in the eye for the first time since we left the clinic. “I guess my biggest question is why it took you so damn long to finally turn up again,” he asked, his hand absent-mindedly playing with the coke bottle, rolling it around slightly on its glass bottom. “Ten years Jase… it was ten years ago, we thought you were dead, I mourned you for nearly two years before I finally beat the depression I slipped into… why the hell didn’t you come back sooner?!”
He didn’t mess around, clearly. No beating around the bush, just straight for the jugular with the one question I was kind of hoping we could build up to. Fuck. I remember sighing slightly and adopted the stalling for time thing by taking a drag on the cigarette in my hand before stubbing it out next to the one Dave had been smoking. “The answer to that isn’t an easy one,” I told him, sitting back in my chair, falling silent for a moment as I tried to figure out how to best explain what happened. It wasn’t something I could just randomly explain in a throwaway comment, I had to explain properly because I owed him that much at least. “The name I gave you and Regan when Aniya and me moved in next door… it wasn’t one I just made up on the spot. When I fell into the river, I took a pretty bad bump to the head,” I started to explain, showing him the scar on the back of my head where they’d had to staple my scalp back together, about how I was out cold for nearly three months before I finally woke up with no memory what so ever. How I had months and months-worth of different therapies and procedures before the incident with the semi-truck that finally started the process of my memory returning. “So yeah, almost a year before I finally remembered my name, let alone the other stuff… and the more time that passed, the more I was convinced you just moved on--”
“What?!” Dave interjected, cutting me off. “Woah dude, what the fuck? You thought I just--”
“I know Dave, I know,” I said, cutting him off instead. “I know it wasn’t rational now, I really do… but given the amount of craziness in my life back then, I wasn’t exactly making sensible decisions, you know? I thought you’d given up on me, that you stopped searching and moved on with your life and I was angry. I was bitter about the whole thing and honestly, the accident changed me dude, it made me a bitter twisted fuck it really did. I still am in some ways, that’s kind of why I came here in the first place…”
I was hoping I could get away without talking about that too, but at the same time I owed him full disclosure and wanted the whole truth out there, not just the nice bits. “Huh?” he asked, clearly not understanding what I meant. Why would he, given he had no idea what brought me to California. “Your bitterness brought you here? But then…”
“I didn’t initially come back to reconnect with you dude,” I told him shamefully, having to look away because I really was ashamed of myself, having to admit that to him. “Like I said, I was bitter as fuck… cards on the table, I came here because I wanted to get what I thought I was owed. I’m not proud of myself, I’m really not… but like I said, I thought you’d given up on me and moved on without really caring about the fact that I’d gone. And I built it all up, the version of you in my head was a real asshole, a guy I wouldn’t take a piss on if he was on fire,” I said, looking back at him to see a blank expression on his face; not anger, not surprise or even a grin, but nothing. That was somehow worse. “I wanted to get you back I guess… I wanted what I felt I was owed because of everything I was robbed of when my career ended prematurely. I know it sounds fucking insane, I can admit that, but I honestly thought fucking with you would help me shrug the chip I’ve been carrying around on my shoulder all these years off at last. Does that make sense? It probably doesn’t… see, like I said. Not exactly rational!”
We sat in silence for a while after that, and I found myself looking anywhere I could just to not look at him. I almost reached out for his pack of smokes to light up another despite not actually wanting one, just for something to do, but eventually Dave broke the silence. “Then what changed your mind?” he asked, somewhat more monotonously than he had spoken previously. “I mean, if you came here to fuck with me but changed your mind, something had to have been the catalyst for that…”
“Jason…” I said, and at first he looked at me without understand, wondering why I was just saying my name to him. Then it clicked. “Yeah, your kid… the day you told me you named him after me, you’d invited me and Nia around for a cookout, and we were having a drink on the deck. You told me the story about naming you boy after your brother and I wanted to throw up, but not in disgust… I actually had to go use your bathroom because I thought I was gonna be sick. It’s like, everything I thought I knew, it all came crashing down around me, you know? I’d built this whole story up and suddenly it was bullshit. You hadn’t forgotten about me at all, and I realised I’d wasted all that time…”
“Fuck, I… I never imagined…” he started to say, but his voice trailed off. What did you say to something like that, huh?! I couldn’t blame him for falling silent.
“Yeah…” I added, not really adding anything to the conversation with it. I wanted to be able to explain properly, to let him know exactly what was going on in my head, but words didn’t seem to be able to do it justice, no matter how I tried to explain it. “And then I had to figure out how I could tell you the truth… and there was no real answer to that was, not one that made sense anyway. My mind was a mess, it really was; I’d gone from thinking you didn’t care to realising you did and now the future was an unknown entity…” I told him, sighing heavily.
“You really thought I didn’t give a fuck?” he asked, sounding hurt. That only piled the guilt on, because I wasn’t feeling bad enough already…
“I did,” I told him with a nod, wishing I didn’t have to admit all of this. I was about to tell him that too, but before I could open my mouth, he picked up his cigarettes and slipped them back into the inside of his jacket along with the lighter before standing up. “Wait, you’re leaving? I thought--”
“Grab your drink if you want,” he said, tucking his chair underneath the table before giving me a look. “But we’re taking a drive… there’s something I need to show you that will probably do a much better job of explaining things more than I can ever do with words alone,” he told me before starting to walk away. Grabbing the soda bottle, I took a good long chug from it before leaving it behind on the table to follow after him, wondering what the hell was going on. The way he suddenly decided we were leaving left me feeling uneasy; I know it can’t have been easy to hear the things I was saying but I honestly thought that this would be good for us in the long run, that getting everything out in the open would mean we could actually work at things and repair the damage that ten years of hiding away from the truth had done… but him getting up and walking away had me second guessing that. Should I have maybe started off smaller? Worked my way up to the whole truth, ease things into it? Maybe. It wasn’t as if there was a guide book for helping with this stuff, was it? I was winging it, and that meant I was probably going to make mistakes, but it was a suck it and see kind of situation and I had no choice but to follow him and see where he was taking me. And I can genuinely say that I would never have guessed the answer to where that was… but then again, ‘a storage facility’ isn’t ever going to be the first answer people jump to as a destination for a pleasant drive, is it? It sure as fuck wasn’t for me anyway…
Penn State
January 4th, 2017
You know, considering I’m meant to be the Jackass that’s a twitter troll, I can’t help but feel like I’m quietly and discretely getting overshadowed now that mine and Amy’s secret was ever so slightly less secretive. Now, I have to hand it to Kennedy… in terms of making a complete turnaround where one’s career is concerned, she hit the nail on the head and seemed to have the dumb bastards at home and in the arenas eating out of her hand. Joking aside, she actually had made a great turnaround compared to the stuff I’d heard of her earlier time in SCW… but truth be told, while she was an all-round wonderful person now, I was already getting tired of the barbed shots at me and Amy on twitter. Okay, I say me and Amy, but it was mostly aimed directly at me, sly comments here and there that the average joe wouldn’t get, but knowing what I knew, about how she’d discovered us in that hotel several weeks back… yeah, as painfully obvious as the nose on your fucking face. She may be a good person now honey, but she was about as subtle as a brick to the face and even if Amy was happy to let it slide, I couldn’t help feeling that me and Kennedy needed to have a few words that the whole world couldn’t read about on twitter in the near future, something I’d been thinking for some time before the opportunity finally presented itself. I mean, okay, it’s not like I’d actively tried to get her alone in order to explain a few things to her, so maybe I have to grudgingly take that one on the chin, but I’d kept an eye out for opportunities where I could see them, and with how popular the damn bitch was, those same opportunities were few and far between, believe me!
I could have approached her backstage, that much was true… but then again, I haven’t exactly had much luck in that regard over the past few months, have I? I mean, first there was the time where Aaron practically caught Amy on her knees praying at the altar of the purple headed warrior… and then there was the ‘fake argument’ me and Amy had when we made up after Halloween, that somehow got back to Aaron within minutes of it taking place and resulted in me having to tell him the secret just to get him to shut the fuck up. The last thing I wanted was for me to approach Kennedy and us end up being overheard and someone else finding out what was going on between me and Amy, because that would just create more damage instead of dealing with damage control like I hoped I was going to be able to do!
No, backstage at a show wasn’t really an option. I had thought about getting her address from Amy or even sneaking it from Regan or paying someone off in the office like I had done for Amy’s home address all those months earlier… but I had a suspicion that if I tried turning up at Kennedy’s place, I’d find the door slammed in my face quicker than I can say ‘shut your face honey and just listen’, which probably would have ended with the same result now I think about it, so maybe neither would be a great idea? Thing is, I knew I had to speak to her, so sooner or later I knew I was going to have to make some sort of move in order to try and get her to stop with the bullshit on twitter. I know it seems harmless and the chances of anyone putting two and two together were slim to none at worst, but it made me uneasy knowing that at any minute, she could take umbrage over one of my tweets and start throwing shade at me again; you make similar comments enough and sooner or later someone is going to put two and two together and if they don’t quite get four, they may get three point five and that’s a little too close for comfort as far as I’m concerned! The opportunity didn’t present itself until into the new year though; Breakdown the night before hadn’t been a great night for Kennedy, given the way the show ended, and truth be told it wasn’t all that fantastic for me either but in comparison of our respective nights she definitely came off worst out of the two of us, so under normal circumstances I’d have avoided her like the fucking plague, but given how long I’d been wanting to get her alone to talk to her, when I spotted her walking back to her hotel room after the house show at Penn State, I had to bite the bullet.
“Hey! Kennedy!” I shouted as discretely as I could as she headed down the hallway towards where I assumed her room was located.
It was on the same floor as Amy’s, two floors above my room and ideally I’d have rather she just headed off so she didn’t have to realise why I was on the same floor and Amy’s room, but like I said, I was making the most of a crappy situation. “Oh no honey, I don’t have the time or the inclination for this,” she said, her voice just dripping with distaste as she saw me walking towards her, her tolerance for my presence practically non-existent right from the off. I knew there and then that this wasn’t going to be an enjoyable experience and I had to pull every ounce of my reserve together to stop myself from just telling her to forget it. “Whatever it is you want to say, you can just save it, okay? I’ve got no desire to waste my time listening to anything that you’ve got to say, all I want to do is go back to my room and put my flawless feet up and have a drink… so just do us both a favour and carry on down the hallway to Amy’s room, because I assume that’s where you’re going,” she told me, actually shuddering a little at the thought of it, which almost made me smirk but I kept my facial expressions in check as I came to a step next to her. It wasn’t as if I wanted to stand there talking to her, was it? Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t want anything to do with Kennedy Street if I could help it but I had to try and talk to her, even more so after the conversation I’d had with Amy a month earlier. Things were getting more serious between the two of us and that meant that this conversation had to happen. “I’m leaving now honey… do not stare at my ass as I walk away, okay? Though I’m probably too young for you anyway, given what I know…”
“Will you just shut up for a minute and let me talk?” I said, already started to lose my cool and mentally berating myself for not keeping it together. “I just need a couple of minutes that’s all, then you can head off and let Jonny rub your precious feet for you and tell you how great you are… where is he anyway? Figured he’d be following you like a lost puppy…”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but he’s picking us up a bottle of wine and some cheese,” she told me, glaring at me like I was something on the bottom of her shoe that she’d stood in. “I don’t normally eat cheese, it smells bad and gives you horrible nightmares, but I want to relax and Jon wanted to do something nice… but I don’t know why I’m telling you this honey, because you don’t deserve to know anything about Kennie’s life. What do you want? I’m tired and there’s suddenly a foul smell in this hallway honey…”
“I want to talk, that’s all,” I told her, ignoring the comment about the foul smell. Wasn’t going to let her shit get to me. “I said a few weeks ago that we needed to have a little chat but you ignored it…”
“I’d like to continue ignoring it honey,” she told me, frowning. I’m surprised she did something as human as frowning, for fear of it giving her frown lines.
“Yeah well, the sooner you give me a couple minutes of your time the sooner you can get out of here,” I told her, trying to be persuasive without pressuring her. I know the type, the more pressure you put on her, the less likely she is to agree. “Look, I’m not expecting you to like me Kennedy… we both know that we’re never going to be friends, it’s like chalk and the cheese that Jonny’s off buying for you right now…”
“No shit honey,” she said, nodding her head in agreement. At least we can agree on something I guess?
“The least you can do though is hear me out,” I told her calmly. “You don’t like me, but you love Amy, so for her sake hear me out then you can go about your business and I can go about mine and we don’t have to spend any longer in this hallway talking…”
“I don’t want to think about your business, Jason,” Kennedy told me, giving me a disgusted look before she sighed and her shoulders sagged a little; I knew with that small gesture that I’d won a small battle at least and she nodded her head. “Fine. Two minutes. Then I’m going to my room and pretending that this never happened…”
“That’ll do,” I said, offering to take the handle of her bag from her. Evidently her distaste for me wasn’t strong enough for her to turn down the option of someone else carrying her gear for her. We walked a little down the hallway, god knows if we passed her room or not, but I know we did go past Amy’s room because that’s where I was heading when I spotted her; Aniya had left that morning to go to Nola, she was viewing a house for us and I said I’d facetime her once I was with Amy so she could tell us about it, but it could wait for a few minutes while I dealt with this issue hopefully once and for all. We headed to the end of the hallway and it was practically a dead end. There was a service elevator at one end of the T-junction and a janitors closet at the other. At least we probably wouldn’t be interrupted there, unless a maid had to urgently grab supplied from the closet or someone ordered room service. I was willing to take that risk. Placing her bag down, I leant against the wall as Kennedy folded her arms across her chest as she gave me a ‘I’m waiting’ kind of look that told me she really meant two minutes and that I needed to hurry the fuck up. “Look, I get that you’re not exactly thrilled at Amy’s decisions as far as I’m concerned--”
“Now that’s an understatement,” she said, talking over me but I pushed on regardless, needing to actually get this out there instead of letting her comments hold me up.
“But no matter what you think about her decision, you need to understand that this isn’t a game or some sort of plan to hurt her,” I told her sternly. I didn’t want to leave her with any uncertainty over how serious I was about that. “Amy didn’t really go into any detail about what you said, she didn’t have to; I can probably guess most of it anyway, you probably have as low opinion of me as most on the roster and you’re entitled to your opinion, that’s fine. Like I said, we’re never gonna be friends, I’m okay with that… but this isn’t an elaborate plot or anything like that, I really do care about Amy whether you believe that or not,” I told her, and she was already rolling her eyes as if she didn’t believe a word I was saying. “No Kennedy, I really do mean that. You have this opinion of me and it’s based pretty much on what you see on twitter or on the shows, and that’s fine, it’s the image I want to project to those who don’t know me personally… but you know yourself, after the Keenie stuff, that image we project out there isn’t all we are. And you can berate me for being a troll on twitter if you want, but those snide comments hinting at stuff that you make, they’re not much better than anything I do, even if they’re aimed at a Jackass!”
“I’m nothing like you, honey!” she said defensively and I had to agree with her there, she wasn’t anything like me… but that didn’t mean she knew who I actually was away from the cameras.
“No, you’re not,” I told her, shaking my head. “But once upon a time, you were. And you may have changed now, but you have to remember what it’s like, embellishing who you are for the sake of the cameras,” I said and she shuffled her feet uncomfortably which told me I’d hit home with that one. “I don’t know how much she told you, but I assume she mentioned I was the guy in those photos from New York, where she got drunk?” I asked and Kennedy frowned but nodded her head. “Did she tell you that I went to great effort to get her back to Wyatt that night without any fans finding out it was her, instead of leaving her in that bar? Did she tell you that I offered to go talk to Olek myself when the board wanted to send her to rehab to admit it was me in the photos and take responsibility for her being in that state that night? Because I did. And she refused, because she’d already covered for me. And I didn’t like that, but I had to respect her wishes, just like you’re doing with what me and her have going on right now,” I reasoned, trying to get her to understand even if she couldn’t accept it. “Did she tell you that I spoke to her every single day while she was in rehab? Not just a couple messages here and there but hour long conversations on the phone most days and if not phone calls, texts? Because I did. Not because I’m working an angle but because I think she’s a great person and probably the kind of person that I can never be. She’s good people and I respect her, as well as care about her Kennie, so you making snide comments because she’s made an unconventional life choice that you don’t understand or she sees something in me that you can’t!”
“You say that as if her choices make sense!” Kennedy said back to me, still glaring at me. “I don’t understand it at all, I don’t see the appeal! I get wanting to have your cake and eat it, but you’re a sleaze ball honey, you’re just a horrible person! She could ruin her marriage to Wyatt, a truly great guy who I look up to, because she likes fucking you” she told me in an angry hushed whisper, trying to control her voice given the setting, despite clearly being angry enough to want to shout at me.
“And what about you?” I asked, and she looked offended at the suggestion that she made questionable decisions herself that some wouldn’t understand. “Knots isn’t exactly an angel Kennie, and what about that asshole from England, that Watson jerk? You married him! And yeah, you were a different person, it was a different time, I get it… but do you really think that Amy would make decisions that aren’t thoroughly thought out, huh?! She’s not an idiot, Kennedy, she’s a grown woman who’s been through enough to know what feels right and what feels wrong and right now, she knows this is right. I like Wyatt too, he’s a great guy… we’ve hung out once or twice, I’m more than happy to go for a beer with him,” I told her, which caused raised eyebrows all around, that little bit of information seemingly coming as a surprise to her if the expression on her face was anything to go by. “That fact alone should tell you more about this than anything else can, I can go for a beer with Amy’s husband and it wouldn’t be awkward what so ever. So you making the snide comments? It’s not helping Kennedy, it’s just causing more problems, and for someone who claims to want to be there for Amy and be her friend, you’re doing the opposite right now!”
She looked offended again when I said that, and I had to be careful of pushing too far, but the small signs of guilt were also there to see and I knew I was getting through to her which helped keep my resolve going. “Of course you’re going to try and tell me to drop it, you’re getting laid regularly because of your arrangement… guys always think with their junk honey, you’re no different!” she told me confidently as if she had it all figured out. Nothing could be further from the truth.
“You think this is just about sex?” I said, actually laughing at that point. It genuinely made me laugh, I found the notion laughable… but then again, it was a fair assumption on her part, assuming Amy hadn’t told her the latest developments, which I assume she didn’t because from the little Amy told me, Kennedy wanted to know as little as possible. “Kennedy, please understand something right now… that could not be further from the truth, even if you tried your hardest to come up with something that was less accurate!”
“Yeah, and if it was just sex you’d happily admit that and risk screwing it up, wouldn’t you honey?” she asked me sarcastically, like she didn’t believe that for a second.
“That’s how it started, I hold my hands up to that,” I told her honestly. It did start that way, then other shit started to happen that changed everything. “I’m not saying it wasn’t just about an exciting and convenient fuck in the beginning… but things change Kennedy, and this is one of them. You can choose to believe me or you can keep thinking I’m full of shit, it doesn’t matter to me at this point, but I’m telling you to your face that I care about her more than you can understand,” I informed her, not feeling the need to truly lay the honest on thick because I had plenty of conviction that I didn’t feel the need to stress the point in that moment. “You told me where Jon is right now, but do you know where my wife is at this moment in time? She’s in New Orleans. Why? She went to view a house that we’re thinking of buying, because of what’s going on between me and Amy and to a lesser extent Aniya and Wyatt. This is way more serious than convenient sex, we want to own a house close enough to them to make this easier on us all, because that’s the point it’s at! Yeah, you should be surprised at that,” I added, seeing the shock register on her face; I didn’t know if I was going to far or not, telling her that, but she had fallen silent, she didn’t even look like she wanted to say any more at that point and again, I took that as a small victory. “I’m not looking for your blessing Kennedy, and I don’t think Amy is either. We’re grown adults, it’s a free country, blah blah blah… but if you actually want to help Amy and give her your support, then cut out the bullshit on twitter, okay? I’m not going to hurt her, but if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you might. That’s it. Just think about that, okay? Please?” I finished, fairly lamely I admit, but I was trying not to go too far and push her beyond her limits. I wasn’t going for aggressive, I just had to get some stuff off my chest and I was thankful that she actually seemed to listen, even if I’m not sure she believed most of what I said. She was still shocked though, I could see that in her face as I thought about turning to leave. I almost did turn to head off, leaving her there to digest what I’d said so I could walk away and go about enjoying the rest of my night. I dunno why I didn’t do that in all honest, I’m not sure what compelled me to stop almost as soon as I started to move, but I turned to look back at her and words came out before I’d even thought about them. “For what it’s worth by the way, the stuff last night with the investigation? I believe you. I’m never going to admit that in public or post it on twitter, but while it probably doesn’t mean anything… I don’t think you were involved. You’re not that person, I truly believe that. I hope the truth comes out quickly…” I told her and then I turned to walk off.
I don’t know if she opened her mouth to say anything else after that, I didn’t stop to find out, because I’d done what I wanted, saying everything that I felt I needed to say and if she wanted to take it any further then she knew where to find me… but as far as I was concerned, I’d done what I wanted. All I really wanted was to stop the tweets and snide remarks, to get her to realise that it was hurting Amy rather than helping and that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t as bad for Ames as she thought I was. I’m a Jackass, I’ll happily hold my hands up to that fact, but I’m not that kind of guy and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Amy in all this… and while we both had to accept that that was still a distinct possibility despite our best intentions – you know what they say about the path to hell and all that – I wasn’t going to do anything intentionally to hurt her. Fuck that. We’d come way too far, and this was way too serious now… and whether Kennedy Street understood what was going on or not, that wasn’t my concern. But getting her to shut up about it was, and that was all I’d wanted. Who knew whether it would work, but I tried and that was all I could do.
Like I said, sometimes you just have to have the type of conversation that usually, you’d rather ignore. Did I want to spend more than a couple seconds in the presence of someone like Kennedy Street? Fuck no. Did I want to tell my own brother that I only came back into his life originally because I wanted to fuck with his life? About as much as I’d want to go on one of those retreats into the wilderness with Man-Baby Raab… but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to get to where you want to be, and having those conversations truly helped, even if it wasn’t necessarily in any other way than making myself feel a lot fucking better than I had previously. I never said it was a perfect system, but the benefits are there. What good does it do to hide from things instead of addressing them, you know? I could have hidden certain facts from Dave to make the whole thing smoother for both of us… but then we’re rebuilding our fraternal relationship after a decade of separation without everything being on the up and up. I’d start rebuilding my relationship with my brother by lying to him by omission, which would have been bullshit. And as for Kennedy, it would have been much easier to just ignore the irritating bitch instead of asking to talk to her, but that was just running the risk that she’d eventually go a step too far and fuck everything up for Amy and me. And you know what? When I walked away from where I left her in that hotel hallway, I did feel a hell of a lot better about moving forward… sure, she may not listed to a damn thing I said, she may ignore what I asked her to do and continue with her vague twitter hints and comments, but I asked and it felt like a weight was lifted afterwards. See, douchebags? Just deal with shit and everything gets better… at least it did for me in these instances at any rate. Then again, my life is way better than yours will ever fucking be anyway, right? So maybe you should just keep burying your heads in the sand and continue to live your ignorant fucking lives the way you have… what do I know, I’m just the guy who’s winning at life right now. Ha.
