STARRING:
[Crossing The Atlantic: Season 3 - Chapter 004]
.:| “Orange Is The New Crap?” |:.
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“So am gonna start this thing by givin’ credit where credit’s due… who’d have thought that borin’ stick in the fuckin’ mud, Jason Phillips, would ‘ave the bollocks to actually announce us by our chosen tag name at Rise To Greatness, huh?! Fuck me, that were a turn up for the books, even if it cost me twenty bucks!” he says with a broad, childish grin on his face, actually clapping for Phillips’ actions before readjusting the title on his shoulder. A cough from behind the camera goes some way towards dampening the smile however and he coughs a little before correcting himself. “Well, it cost Autumn twenty bucks anyway… but that’s married life for y’, innit? What’s yours is mine an’ mine is yours an’ all that?” He adds sheepishly before getting back on track. “Point is, he did it! Jason Phillips fuckin’ did it, showed he had a set’a knackers after all! An’ on the biggest stage of ‘em all as well, Rise To bloody Greatness! His mam must be so proud!” he pushes on, the smug look once again sat on his features as he talks. “An’ would you fuckin’ believe it, me an’ are lass only went an’ bloody did it, dint we?! A said on twitter in the days followin’ the pay per view that a weren’t gonna brag or rub it in, given who we beat, but given this is the first promo a’ve filmed since our victory, a think a bit of ‘ummble braggin’ is allowed, dunt you lot? It ain’t like am takin’ the piss art’a Kandi an’ Tommy anyway, more just pointin’ out that we fuckin’ did it! Autumn an’ Ryan Watson, SCW World Tag Team champions! A still fuckin’ love the sound’a that!”
The grin was ear to ear as he tapped on the face plate of the tag strap across his shoulder, proud as punch to hold the title, his first in several years. “How long’s it bin, eh? Fair few years since a last ‘eld gold, be it in this place or anywhere else, an’ fuckin’ ‘ell, what a stage to do it on, eh? Second time a’ve done that an’ all, winnin’ a title at Rise To Greatness; first time were the Addy tittle when a beat Warren James back in two thousand an’ eleven… which, when y’ compare it, felt massively different to how this’n feels, different circumstances an’ all that… a were a member of Infamous back then, we both were; me an’ Autumn, barely weeks into our relationship, an’ now look, eight years later, happily fuckin’ married an’ World Tag Champs, me f’ the first time an’ her the third! Talk a’bart what a difference a few years makes… not that there should be any great shock that me an’ the mrs are holding gold again here in this shithole, given our pedigree’s here in SCW. Kinda shocked how quickly am a champion again, but I’ll call that testament to mine an’ Autumn’s talent rather than anythin’ else… a mean, ya don’t expect me t’ be ‘umble, surely?” he asks, raising his eyebrows questioningly before chuckling to himself with a shake of the head. “Should fuckin’ know me better than that by now, if yer did expect anythin’ but arrogance an’ bravado. Like seriously, it ain’t as though a’ve fuckin’ hidden how cocky I am, is it? A might not be as narcacistic as say, a Bree Lancaster or a Sienna Swann, but christ on a bike, if the dictionary had pictures for emphasis, my mug would either be next to ‘smug’ or ‘arrogant’ for sure! Speakin’ of Bree though, a might not ‘ave much love for the ragin’ thundercunt, be a reckon she had the rate idea wi’ ‘er little celebration on Breakdown. Isn’t that what you twats want, champions that actually love their division, that live for defendin’ the title an’ representin’ the honour of holdin’ ‘em?! Jesus wept, talk about the hypocrisy of you cockwombles that come to shows, there’s no wonder ‘alf the talent in the business a’ve come to see you lot at ‘ome as fuckin’ poisonous… but hey, as long as you’re still coughing up the dollar to attend shows an’ buyin’ merch, the powers that be ain’t gonna gi’ a fuck, are they?”
Watson shakes his head, taking a moment to readjust the title on his shoulder before turning his attention back to the camera. “Not like the management really gi’ too many fucks either way about most stuff anyway, is it? Maybe they’ve taken a few pointers from our playbook as of late, given how few fucks they’ve got to gi’ a’bart anythin’ that don’t overtly harm their reputation… attackin’ each other pre, post or mid-match ain’t no big deal – see that spunktrumpet Gavin Taylor’s antics as proof – but kick a fan in’t face when they happen to show no ability to get art the fuckin’ way, an’ woah now pal, it’s world war three, the invasion’a Area fifty one an’ the apocalypse all at once ain’t it?! Medical bills paid for, compensation, suspensions, the whole nine yards… Xander bad, Gavin good, more or fuckin’ less! Ain’t it grand when the only thing y’ can depend on y’ gaffers for is to get it all wrong an’ leave the employees to pick up the pieces? Don’t worry though, D, Sasha, all you old stuffy wankers on’t board, we’ll clean up y’ mess for y’! Gavin can run all he wants – what a fuckin’ All Star, huh? – be he can’t hide f’ever, an’ when he’s run art’a puff an’ has to take a brek, me an’ a few others’ll be there ready to show him exactly what kinda brek he deserves… currently thinkin’ arm, but leg’ll keep him out longer won’t it? An’ if that ain’t a public service then a dunno what is!” he continues, and while he’s still making jokes, his face doesn’t exactly show any signs of homor, just anger. “Just jokes though, weren’t it Gavlar? Just sayin’ hello to an old friend an’ playin’ a prank… only, thing is, me an’ Kandis, we’re mates, muckers, buddies… and y’ know mate, we kicked the crap out’a each other at Rise T’ Greatness an’ all, but that were in’t ring, in a match, fair an’ square. What you did… well, let’s just say that there’s plenty’a people that wanna see just how many times the ‘All Star’ can get his arse kicked from pillar to post before he fucks off back to Emerge wi’ his tail tucked between his legs an’ am bettin’ it ain’t many given how fuckin’ yellow he apparently is, but it’ll be fun findin’ out none the less. An’ Spirit, if ya watchin’ love, a were serious… next time y’ get an exclusive wi’ that wankstain, gimme a shout first… a’ve got some very interestin’ interview techniques that ad be happy to share wi’ y’ for future reference…”
“But wi’ that said, let’s get darn to brass tacks, shall we? ‘Cause as much fun as am havin’ braggin’ a’bart wins an’ tossin’ art threats towards the new resident cuntpuddle, am ‘ere f’ a reason, an’ that’s t’ talk a’bart me match on Breakdown this week!” he says, shifting mental gears now that he’s getting around to the real reason for his presence in front of the camera. “Wi’ a new season upon us, a guess it’s fair to say that am lookin’ to get goin’ wi’ a runnin’ start, ain’t it? Rise T’ Greatness were the jewel in’t crown in terms’a endin’ the last season on a high, even if a were only around f’ the final month’a so of the last’n… but that don’t mean a wanna get crackin’ wi’ this’n wi’ anythin’ less than a win, does it?! A mean, what kinda start would that be, eh? Startin’ wi’ a loss… even if me own team, Tottenham, tend t’ do that most bloody years when a new season gets underway. Sports, am a rate? An’ let’s be serious f’ a minute, shall we; it’s no shock that SCW’s booked this match, given the Ginner nutjob is part’a one’a the other tag teams in the division that yours truly currently sits atop of… Zero Fucks T’ Gi’ versus Twin Magic? Probably gettin’ the bookin’ committee excited just thinkin’ a that one… but here’s a little secret fo’ thee, Kim… it ain’t gonna end well f’ thee this week,” he says with a simple shake of the head. “Not got any real person reasons for wantin’ to kick y’ arse this week, other than it bein’ me job to do so an’ wantin’ to ensure that a mek a statement’a intent about us in’t tag division… a mean, the stabby stabby stuff, it’s entertain’ in small doses, probably summet that’d do well on a t-shirt wi’ the muppets that watch our shows an’ yer a decent team alright, won plenty’a gold in other places an’ held these things here in SCW an’ all a believe…” he adds, pausing to pat the SCW Tag Title over his shoulder. “But here’s the thing love… if that tubby cunt Tommy Wasley gets a ragin’ hardon at the mere sight’a someone, then am automatically gonna want to slap the shame off of ‘em, ‘cause that wanker has the worst taste possible an’ last a saw, he were dribblin’ all over thee on twitter, so am sorry Kim, but I already hate thi, an’ a can see it only gettin’ worse by the time Wednesday neet comes around!”
“Not that I wanna pry into y’ private life though love, an’ this ain’t a question about whether y’ lettin’ tubby mctubbycunt in t’ y’ lady garden ‘cause some stuff don’t bear thinkin’ a’bart,” he says with a shudder before quickly continuing. “But tell me love… all this ‘stabby stabby’ nonsence an’ throwin’ stuff at old people an’ the rest’a the One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest shite… is it all f’ show or are ya really nutty as a fuckin’ squirrel poo, eh? ‘Cause a mean, a get playin’ up t’ the peanut gallery an’ what not, a get playin’ the fool an’ makin’ a few quid from that, but if it’s not an’ act… then a guess me next question is why the fuck SCW keeps lettin’ these people that’re mad as a basket’a fuckin’ fish through the door rather than doin’ a Sheldon’s mum an’ sendin’ em off t’ get tested ‘cause wi’ all these nutjobs wanderin’ around, how long’s it gonna be before one’a ‘em goes postal an’ starts killin’ people, eh?! Fuckin’ ‘ell, a told y’ that this place don’t gi’ a fuck a’bart the talent or anyone else until summet happens to ruin their image, dint a!” he told the camera, shaking his head in disdain once again. Of course, he was laying it on thick, but he didn’t have to actually acknowledge that fact. “The thing that worries me, if it ain’t a fuckin’ act, is that it’s people like Kim Williams that’re the reason we have to have directions on shampoo bottles an’ warnin’s about how ya shouldn’t eat them packets of desiccant that come in shoes an’ electrical appliances an’ stuff… ‘cause they’re not just worried that some cunt is gonna drink and or eat em, but ‘cause some cunt already has in’t past an’ it’s people like her that’ll ‘ave done it! If it ain’t an act, how long’s it gonna be before they just add the word ‘syndrome’ after her name an’ make it a brand new condition for cunts t’ label themselves wi’, eh?! Fuck my boots, if she’s actually as mental as she acts then she’s a danger to ‘erself an’ others an’ it’s a’bart time SCW ‘ad ‘er looked at, not unleashed on good upstandin’ gobshites like me! An’ am not meanin’ to offend Kim ‘ere – it’s just a bonus if am ‘onest – but Christ on a bike, she’s definitely a few sandwiches short of a full picnic an’ if this is part of the standard that SCW is gonna hold the tag division upto then fuckin’ ‘ell, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride…” he says, looking at the belt on his shoulder before sighing sadly.
Turning his attention back to the camera he shakes his head in sadness. “Fair play, Twin Magic a’ve been everywhere an’ done everythin’… which includes some pretty suspect people from what a’ve sin as of late but let’s not go down that road. When all’s said an’ done, they’re a crackin’ team who can obviously rely on each other ‘cause they’re sisters an’ twins at that, clue’s in’t name after all… but when all’s said an’ done Kim, good as you an’ Marie are, you just ain’t quite good enough. Me an’ Autumn are the champs, an’ we plan on keepin’ it that way… so keep ya staples at ‘ome, don’t worry a’bart throwin’ stuff at old people for now an’ get ready for a match… ‘cause while a know y’ comin’ off a loss at Rise T’ Greatness an’ probably think you’ve got summet to prove, me an’ Autumn winnin’ at the show’a shows means we’ve got even more to prove than you ‘ave! We’re comin’ off the biggest victory our short run as a team ‘as ever ‘ad, an’ now the eyes are gonna be on, ain’t they? So aye, we’re the one’s under pressure atm like, but if ya think y’ gonna turn shit around straight away love, keep on dreamin’, ‘cause it ain’t startin’ this week at any rate,” he tells the camera, shaking his head for added emphasis. “Unlike that fat prick that seems to be doin’ his best to get his dick wet in your ginger minge, am not gonna grovel or drool over y’, am just gonna say it ‘ow it is, an’ flat out tell y’ that am not gonna play games on Wednesday. Am not gonna let y’ get up t’ y’ usual tricks, am just goin’ art theer, showin’ y’ why me an’ Autumn walked outa Rise T’ Greatness as the new World Tag Team champions an’ them am fuckin’ off again. An’ then y’ can start y’ little redemption story next time y’ booked an’ who knows, maybe we’ll be seein’ you an’ Marie down the road for these beautiful belts me an’ Autumn currently possess… but f’ now love, just stick to comin’ up wi’ entertain’ ideas to keep y’ sen busy, yeah? ‘Cause am sure y’ll want a distraction after Breakdown’s over an’ done wi’… sithee Wednesday, nutjob…” he finishes, chuckling to himself as he walks out of shot and with that, the video fades to black.
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