STARRING:
[Crossing The Atlantic: Season 3 - Chapter 002]
.:| “The Less Fun Type Of Banging” |:.
A wain’t lie, havin’ Gibbles find out a’bart me an’ Autumn the way he did weren’t exactly the plan, tha knows? Much as tha may find it ‘ard to believe, a dint take any pride in’t fact that he were a casualty’a me an’ are lass figurin’ art that we were still in love… a mean, in a lotta ways me an’ Autumn, we ‘ad a lot to thank ‘im for, ya know?
But love is love ain’t it? An’ as bad as a felt for the fact that t’old Gibbles got ‘urt, a couldn’t let nostalgia get in’t way’a what were clearly starin’ me an’ ‘er in’t face. That don’t remove the feelin’ of guilt though, even if a know that it were for the best in’t long run, for me an’ for Autumn…
‘Course, that just brought a’bart more problems in a way, dint it? ‘Cause let’s be ‘onest, it were one thing to be worryin’ a’bart tellin’ Gibbles the truth an’ yeah, we’d both agreed to do it even if it dint work art ‘ow we’d planned, but it were an entirely different kinda worry one he did know. That threat he’d left danglin’ in’t air before fuckin’ off, that weren’t owt to take likely; hintin’ at grassin’ us - or more accurately, me - up to immigration the way he had done, that just kick started a different train’a worries for us, an’ it ain’t no secret that are lass is a champion worrier, is it? Could worry for England that woman, an’ still feel like she’d not filled her quota for the day…
That were a different prospect loomin’ over us though. It weren’t just the threat’a bein’ kicked art’a the country, what we’d done were a crime, an’ whole Gibbles were at least content that he weren’t bein’ cast aside by our arrangement it weren’t too bad, but now he were kicked t’ the gutter? Well, all bets were off, weren’t they? An’ it went from him grudgingly understandin’ why Autumn were doin’ what she were to bein’ a test’a just how vindictive t’old Gibbles truly could be! An’ while they reckon all’s fair in love an’ war, it’s also true that a broken ‘eart can drive people to do some pretty awful shit too, so it were a case’a almost waitin’ for the other shoe to fall, really. An’ that were no way to be livin’ us lives, ya know?
Were it shitty’a me to do what a did? Entirely. Gable dint deserve it, an’ it were crappy’a me to put Autumn through it an’ all, but at the same time, weren’t the end result justification for me fessin’ up? End justifies the means an’ all that bollocks? An’ look, a mean, if Autumn pickin’ me weren’t proof that it were all worth it, then fuck knows what would be, ‘cause despite bein’ worried about gettin’ chucked in jail an’ havin’ them toss away the key, a were ‘appy an’ things were how they should’a been years ago before a fucked it all up!
So a tried tellin’ me sen that it were all gonna be all rate, that Gable wouldn’t be that petty, that even if he did shop us in, it wouldn’t matter ‘cause it weren’t gonna be lyin’ anymore when we told ‘em he were lyin’. Yeah, we’d started off by defraudin’ the government, true enough, but were it even fraud if what ‘ad started off as a scam were now legit? Well, yeah, but shurrup. It were justified as far as I were concerned an’ we dint ‘ave to admit that bit anyway. In fact, ad got it all sorted art in me head; we’d just tell ‘em that Gable were a jealous ex, that he hadn’t taken the news that me an’ Autumn were gettin’ back together all that well an’ after tryin’ to get ‘er back an’ failin’, were evidently tryin’ to screw me over instead… wouldn’t matter than phone records an’ what not could probably prove him rate, as far as I were concerned we’d just sell it like a pair’a acadamy award winnin’ actors an’ that’d be the end’a it…
...dint stop me worryin’ though, even if a were tryin’ to to keep it from Autumn just how much a were worried.
It were bad enough that she were doin’ her usual level’s frettin’, wi’art her havin’ to worry a’bart how worried I were on top’a that, tha knows? To be honest though, them first few days, they were rough. Can’t say a’ve bin much of a worrier over the course’a me time on’t planet, but this… aye, it were a real shitter. Every phone call, every knock at the door, a were expectin’ it to be the feds. A felt like Winston in 1984, casually waitin’ fo’ the thought police to kick me door in an’ whisk me off to the ministry’a truth or whichever’n it were they carted him off to. The one wi’ room 101 in it! It’s been a good few years since we studied it in school, fuck off! That is how it felt though, it were like me entire life were suddenly under observation from the minute Gibbles alluded to his little threat; were the phones tapped? Was that the same van behind me in traffic that was behind me an hour ago? Why’s that guy at the bus stop watching me?! Incredible what paranoia can do t’ya, ain’t it?
Wi’ time though, a sort of stopped worryin’. A mean, if he were gonna shop us to the fuzz, he’d have done it straight away, right? Least that’s what a told me self anyway; unless he was playin’ some sorta long game where we wanted to make us sweat, chances are he weren’t gonna be makin’ that phone call full stop. Least that’s what a thought anyroad…
Autumn: “I still don’t get why you use this place… I mean, I literally have money to burn dude, we could get a decent place and some decent gear, but you won’t let me spend the money!”
It were a few weeks since the debacle wi’ Gibbles an’ to tell thi the truth, a think ad let me guard darn, ‘cause the initial panic a went through ‘ad dropped off. Like a said, if he were gonna do it, surely it’d be rate away. Prove a point. An’ life goes on, ya know? Wi’ an’ impendin’ return to the ring on the horizon, a were back in trainin’, which meant dustin’ off the cobwebs in the old boxin’ club a picked up in an auction a few years back. It were never an academy, a had no intention’a followin’ in the footsteps’a cunts like Helms or Chastaine in thinkin’ a were hot shit An’ should be runnin’ a school or owt… but it came in handy for trainin’ the one’a two people a have ‘ad an ‘And in trainin’, Kat an’ Lexy, Kandis, an’ a course, me self. The gym came wi’ it’s contents an’ a picked it up for peanuts anyway, so made use’a it. Autumn didn’t understand why a wouldn’t spend a chunk’a her inheritance on settin’ up summet a bit more modern though, an’ she wrinkled her nose every time we were in theer…
Watson: “Told ya love, if a log cabin were good enough fer Sly Malone in Punchy four, this place’s good enough f’me…”
Autumn: “That was a movie, dude! Malone wasn’t really fighting an unbeatable punching machine from Russia and it was shot in a movie studio! This is just a dumb.”
Watson: “Aye well, it’s half your dump nah love, marriage laws an’ what not, so get used to it eh?”
Autumn: “Then there’s no reason why I shouldn’t make some calls and spend a little money then, is there?”
Leanin’ back against the ropes, a let out a sigh; we were already pretty sweaty at this point, about an hour in, but we weren’t even remotely close t’ bein’ ready f’ a break, but ‘ere we were, debatin’ interior decoration of a run down boxin’ gym instead’a workin’ on our in ring game. Married life mate, complete pain in’t arse..
Watson: “Can we forget about this place for a minute an’ take stock’a what we’re doin’ at the minute… am meant to be gettin’ back into fightin’ shape an’ you’re more concerned a’bart the state’a the fixtures an’ fittin’s, love… see the problem ‘ere?”
She looked at me and sighed, before noddin’...
Autumn: “Alright, yeah I guess I do… it’s that this place is fucking gross! Seriously, it so dank that Reddit wants to turn it into a meme museum!”
Watson: “The fuck’s that even mean?”
Seriously, the fuck’s she on about?!
Autumn: “Reddit? Dank memes? Come on dude, you’re not that old, you gotta know what a dank meme is... “
Watson: “Can we just get on wi’ trainin’?”
Rollin’ ‘er eyes, she shook ‘er ‘ead an’ chuckled at me. For some reason, the comment a’bart not bein’ ‘that old’ got to me. Am thirty three, am in the peak’a me physical fitness, it’s not like am on’t scrapheap or owt… but maybe there were a touch’a the agin’ thing creapin’ in, not quite as quick as a once were, which a normally put darn to me bum knee… but that were a consideration weren’t it? When a get back in’t ring, what happens if a can’t cut it wi’ all these kids that’re comin’ through nah? A mean, fuck, we’ve ‘ad two second generation Helms young’ns, we’ve got Lando Cruze’s youngster kickin’ arse in SCW nah. I swear, we get another Kissinger an’ am actually fuckin’ off back to england, married or not.
Autumn: “I don’t know why you’re so worried about being in shape anyway, dude. I mean, I know it’s been a couple years since you last got in the ring, but those abs don’t lie. You’re as fit as you ever were…”
Watson: “Cause a don’t wanna be a punchin’ bag, love. It’s all rate for you, you’ve been faitin’ consistently for the last few years nah, an’ a know ya can say that ya get ignored all the time, but least you’ve been active, been trainin’... I can’t say that, can a? Keepin’ fit, yeah, but not sharp, an that’s what counts more’n out!”
Autumn: “Aww, look at my husband, being all adorably insecure…”
She were smirking at me, which were kinda annoyin’ cause a were bein’ serious for once, but she walked towards me an’ carried on regardless.
Autumn: “...with insecurity like that, we really were meant for each other.”
Watson: “Aye well, even Daredevil could see that an’ he’s blind ain’t he? Am bein’ serious though, am actually concerned about this shit.”
She were still fucking smirking as she leant into me.
Autumn: “So you can make a comic book reference but don’t know what a dank meme is? Jesus dude, you’re a mystery to me at times, you know that?”
I shot her the cheesiest grin I could manage, even if I weren’t exactly in the mood for it. It would’a given Ted Theodore Logan a run for ‘is money, believe me.
Autumn: “Look, stop worrying okay baby? You have the talent, the ability, you’re in amazing shape. The only thing missing now is that arrogance that used to be a calling card. Get that back and you’ve turned the clock back eight years… besides, it’s not like you go really give a fuck about any of this stuff, dude. You’re more of a no fucks to give kind of guy!”
A couldn’t help but smirk at that. A mean, she were right weren’t she? A were the kinda guy who had no fucks to give about most stuff, the fly by the seat’a his pants kinda bloke… which only made the recent spate of worries botherin’ me all that more troublesome to be honest.
Watson: “Aye well, it’s different this time ain’t it?”
Autumn: “I don’t see why. You’ve been around the pro scene long enough to know better than that now, dude. SCW, IWC, UWA, and you’ve been back in SCW for a while, even if it’s not been in-ring. Yeah, you’re not that twenty five year old that was desperate to prove himself anymore, but do you know what you are? You’re more experienced now. You’re a multi time champion who’s worked in three huge companies, wrestled god knows how many different opponents in some huge matches. You’re not the underdog anymore, that’s what’s changed! And you’re still sexy as hell, too…”
Grinning at me, she ran a finger up an’ down me arm, playfully. Could see why her twitter handle were mischief martyr, ‘cause she looked mischievous as fuck as she stood theer lookin’ up at me.
Autumn: “You locked the door, right?”
Lookin’ at her quizzically, a nodded me head.
Watson: “On the latch, are… why?”
Autumn: “Just checking…”
There were that fuckin’ mischievous grin again! Weren’t ‘ard to figure out why like, ‘cause ‘er ‘ands pulled at the loop of the draw string on me shorts to loosen em off, one finger explorin’ teasin’ly under the elastic. Well ‘ello love…
Watson: “Thought this place were gross?”
Autumn: “It is… but I don’t have to touch anything if I’m on top, do I?”
Still grinnin’, the rest of her ‘and went down the front of me shorts but before she could get under the elastic waistband’a me boxers a grabbed her an’ lifted her off her feet an’ in one spin turned to sit her on the turnbuckle in’t corner. A guess it’s the perks’a ownin’ somewhere like the old boxin’ club really, didn’t need to worry a’bart what anyone else were gonna think ‘cause there weren’t anyone else who came ‘ere, just me an’ whoever a may or may not ‘ave been helpin’ to train at the time. There were many who even knew I owned the place, what wi’ me not makin’ a big song an’ dance a’bart it like some dickheads do on twitter. AnteUp? Ante off ya fuck, pretentious pricks. Shouldn’t think like that though should a, not a’bart Kandis’ latest bit’a man meat. Each to their own I guess. What am gettin’ at anyroad, is that the perks’a bein’ the owner is that a dint need to worry about anyone else just walkin’ in on us as things started to get a bit hot an’ heavy. Ad pulled Autumn’s sports bra up an’ over her head an’ me shorts were already off an’ things were just gettin’ good when
*BANG BANG BANG*
Talk a’bart a mood ruiner or what?! Seriously, of all the fuckin’ time for someone to try an’ bang on’t door, it had to be then?!
Autumn: “Shit!”
Watson: “Ignore it love. Whoever it is’ll fuck off soon enough…”
We froze there listenin’ though, even if a weren’t plannin’ on lettin’ whoever the fuck it were, into the place. Probably some daft cunt who thought it were still a boxin’ club. Had that a few times in’t early days’a ownin’ the place, but the steady trickle soon dried up as word got ‘round. But whoever it were, they were fuckin’ persistent al gi’ ‘em that, cause the bang cane again.
*BANG BANG BANG*
“Mister Watson? Mrs Watson? Citizenship and Immigration services!”
Jumpin’ darn from the turnbuckle, Autumn scrambled for her sports bra as I quickly slipped me shorts back on, tryin’ t’ hide the semi a were still sportin’ as a delicately climbed outa the ring an’ made me way over to the door. Fuck. Fuck. He’d actually done it, that cunt Gibbles’d actually reported us to immigration outa spite! Autumn were lookin’ at me from in’t ring wi’ a dear caught in headlights sorta look, panickin’ just as much as a were as a reached for the latch expectin’ to see a couple’a coppers stood waitin’ alongside a suited an’ booted immigration officer… but there weren’t…
“Ah, Mr Watson, I’ve managed to track you down, thank goodness…”
The guy were smilin’... that weren’t rate, were it? A mean, would he turn up on his jack jones an’ be smilin’ if he were ‘ere to cart me off for questionin’?! A mean, am not bein’ funny, but me an’ the mrs are both trained fighters so surely he’d want some muscle if that were the case…
“As I said, I’m glad I’ve managed to find you. Robert Parks, I work for citizenship and immigration services. Is now a good time for a chat?”
He briefly flashed me his credentials an’ on autopilot a took a step back an’ let ‘im in the room, closin’ the door behind ‘im as Autumn continued watchin’ on wi’ panic plastered across her face.
Watson: “I, uh… what can we do f’ ya, pal?”
Parks: “Oh, just doing my rounds, Mr Watson, calling in to see the happy couples on my list. I have to say, you were difficult to track down. I did leave voicemails but evidently you haven’t picked them up…”
Autumn: “Our phones are off. We’ve been, uh, trainingjust no. Definitely just training. That’s why we’re sweaty, you know, in case you were wondering. I’ll shut up now…”
Behind the blokes back, while his attention were turned towards the wife, a couldn’t help but face palm. Jesus Autumn, here’s me thinkin’ he were ‘ere to arrest me an’ she’s tryin’ to cover for the fuck that he’d have turned up as a were balls deep in me mrs if he’d arrived fifteen minutes later?! Priorities woman!
Parks: “Yes, I assumed that may just be the case. The phones being off that is. I actually wouldn’t have been able to find you if it weren’t for the help of your father, Mr. Watson…”
Watson: “Call me Ryan, mate. And my old man? What’s he got t’ do wi’ this?”
Parks: “Well, we have their contact details listed in our paperwork of course. When I called at your home in Anaheim and you weren’t there, I made a call to your parents and he helpfully told me about the address for this building. We weren’t aware you were a business owner, Ryan.”
Watson: “Am not!”
Maybe a were a bit too quick to bark that at ‘im, as he looked a bit taken aback, so a had to explain me self.
Watson: “Sorry, just don’t want the government thinkin’ am swindlin’ me taxes… it ain’t a business mate, a just bought the buildin’ an’ what were inside it. It used to be a boxin’ club, but I bought it cheap to use as a place to train. Couple’a friends ‘ave used it from time to time, but it’s not summet that makes money f’ me. If owt, it costs me money…”
Parks: “I see… must have been a confusing time for the patrons who used it previously. Still, their loss is your gain, I suppose? And now we’re aware of its existence, we can of course add it to our own paperwork. I don’t suppose there is a phone number for this location?”
Watson: “Uh, no mate… had it disconnected when I bought it…”
He nodded solemnly. Fuckin’ ‘ell, how serious did this twat take his job?!
Parks: “Shame. Oh well, we already have a fair collection associated with your claim for citizenship Mr… Ryan… so that shouldn’t be a big problem. So. How are you both? Is married life as exhilarating as you expected?”
Me an’ Autumn looked at one another, an’ despite still bein’ a bit panicked by the whole ordeal, I actually ‘ad to work kinda ‘ard to keep from laughin’ at the question. Oh it you knew the ‘alf of it pal!
Watson: “Every day is a blessin’ mate, it really is! In fact, these last few weeks, uh, months a mean, have just been a joy for both’a us, ain’t they love?”
A looked up at Autumn in the ring an’ the immigration bloke turned to look at her too and she still looked a little nervous but she gave me a mischievous little smile as she nodded.
Autumn: “Couldn’t be happier dude, even when you’re being an ass.”
That seemed to actually help our cause f’ some reason; a little smile formed on the gob’a the bloke quizzin’ us an’ he nodded his own head, shiftin’ his grip on the briefcase he were clutchin’ in both hands like his bloody previous.
Parks: “I’m very happy to hear that. Marriage can be difficult at times but most rewarding too. That also makes the next part of this conversation far easier as it happens, because as I’m sure you’re both aware, the two year mark is quickly approaching!”
Watson: “Two year mark?”
Autumn started glarin’ at me an’ a realised a must’a fucked up royally wi’ this, whatever he were talkin’ a’bart. An’ the suit clearly looked slightly unnerved an’ all, raisin’ his eyebrows in surprise. Such bushy fuckin’ eyebrows, it ‘ad quite an effect!
Parks: “Your anniversary, Mr: Watson. Oh boy, I hope you haven’t forgotten that already or you will be in trouble! As you were made aware when you first filed your I-130 and I-485 forms, your conditional residency status applies for two years and towards the end of that period, there would be further paperwork to fill in to ensure that you are given permanent resident status. A green card, Ryan. You need to file extra paperwork!”
Well shit sticks… wi’ all the bloody drama as of late, a guess it just slipped our minds or whatever, but he were rate! They told us a’bart all’a this when we had that interview more’n a year ago but who the fuck remembers summet after all that time, eh?! An’ Parks must’a seen the panic in me face, ‘cause wi’ a chuckle, he walked towards the ring an’ plopped his briefcase down on the apron an’ popped the latches.
Parks: “As you were told at the time, you can begin the process of submitting one of these once you are within ninety days of your two year anniversary…”
He grabbed a brown envelope from on top of the pile of paperwork in his briefcase and turned to hand it to me.
Parks: “An I-751 form, also known as a joint petition of residency form! Fill this in, file it at the same location as the previous forms and voila! Upon submission and approval, once you have been married two years, the United States Citizenship and Immigration Service will be happy to grant you permanent residency to our wonderful country!”
Watson: “Well God bless America, eh?!”
Grinnin’, a took the forms from him an’ gave em a quick glance over before turnin’ me attention back to his eyebrows… a mean face, his face.
Parks: “Obviously, if you wish to go down the citizenship route, the road is considerably longer but that is a next step anyway, assuming you do wish to become an American citizen. But you need to file this document first, and then we can begin the process of getting your permanent status!”
As he were talkin’, Autumn climbed out’a the ring to the apron an’ dropped down to the floor an’ she walked up to my side to slip an arm around me, grinnin’ as broadly as I were.
Autumn: “That really is great. We had forgotten about this, so we really appreciate you visiting!”
Watson: “Yeah, what the mrs said mate, thanks for this. I’m sure we’d have remembered eventually, but we’ve just been enjoyin’ bein’ married to be honest, me becomin’ a citizen wasn’t really part’a it…”
Autumn prodded me in’t back hard wi’ ‘er finger, evidently tryin’ to tell me a were oversellin’ a bit too much, but a mean, wi’ everythin’ that’d gone on over the last few weeks, a weren’t really lyin’, were a?
Parks: “Well, you can have the best of both worlds then, Mr. Watson. Ryan. And with that said, I’ll let you get on with your training, as I’m clearly interrupting. Thanks for your time.”
He held his hand out to me an’ a shook it before Autumn did the same. A walked him to the door an’ saw him out before lockin’ it behind him an’ turnin’ t’ lean back against the door, sighin’ heavily.
Watson: “Fuckin’ ‘ell, a thought a were toast then! No word’a a lie, a thought a were a’bart to get carted off to San Quentin!”
Autumn: “Fuck dude, I know! As soon as he said he was from immigration, I thought that was it! Jesus, my heart is still hammering!”
Watson: “Sure that’s not from before he banged on’t door, love?”
A cunt help but smirk at her, an’ while she threw the middle finger up at me - never gonna be as good as the v’s, is it? - she were grinnin’ ‘erself an’ all; maybe it were just ‘cause the tension’d been broken after we both thought the same thing at first, but thankfully we were still standin’ theer an’ able to be havin’ this laugh an’ a joke, ‘cause for a while a were convinced that wouldn’t be happenin’ again any time soon…
Watson: “Alrate, panic over wi’... a guess we should get goin’ again, eh?”
Sighin’, Autumn nodded an’ slid back into the ring, her complaints a’bart how gross the place were seemin’ly long gone. Walkin’ over to the ring, a followed suit an’ got back to me feet. Autumn grabbed a drink of water from her bottle before settin’ it back darn in’t corner an’ turnin’ ready to lock up again. Instead’a doin’ that, a grabbed her an’ pushed her back into the corner an’ lifted her back up onto the turnbuckles again.
Watson: “A never said a meant back to trainin’, babe…”
She let out a giggle as a pulled her sports bra up an’ over ‘er head again an’ her fingers once again pulled the loops of the string in me shorts to get things back where they were before the interruption. Not gonna lie, a wrestlin’ ring… well, boxin’ ring a guess… is a fuckin’ fun place t’ get it on inside, a know that. Turnbuckles come in handy. Tek me word for it.
Watson: “Ya know love, it’s weird but a kinda feel more me self already since we figured out what we were gonna call ‘s selves… a mean, a know it sounds daft, but seriously, Zero Fucks to Give is just, well it’s so me ain’t it?!”
A were stood once again in the basement’a mine an’ Autumn’s house – a’ve taken to callin’ it that nar, real marriage an’ all that – ready to film me second promo since returnin’ from bein’ non-active for a couple years, second match back an’ second tag match teamin’ wi’ the mrs, wearin’ me brand spankin’ new Zero Fucks To Give t-shirt that ad had knocked up at a local print shop for the occasion. A know SCW were quick to cobble the official one together in order to make money off the fans wi’ good taste that actually tune in, an’ a dare say I’ll be wearin’ one backstage from time to time in order to act as a shill for SCW’s money makin’ machine… but the first promo since we came up wi’ are name just felt like it needed the personal touch, ya know?
Bein’ a proud Yorkshireman, there’s nowt more iconic in the whole’a british movie history than the cover’a the film Kes, wi’ little Billy – portrayed by David Bradley – firin’ the vee’s straight at the camera. It’s a quality film, an’ the image in question is fuckin’ iconic… an’ now, thanks to some tiny little print shop in a backstreet in Anaheim, it were gonna be immortalized in’t annals’a SCW history an’ all, ‘cause it were emblazoned across the front’a me shirt wi’ a snazzy Zero Fuck’s To Give logo underneath it!
Watson: “A mean, a know it’s not exactly owt new to be edgy in SCW, it is a company that let The Fuck Up’s call home an’ stuff, but just by givin’ a bit’a a fuck you to the establishment, am already feelin’ more like me…”
Autumn stepped out from behind the camera, ‘appy that the shot were all set up properly a guess, an’ gave me an unironic thumbs up.
Autumn: “About time, dude. No really, it’s good to see a fire lit under your ass… when you’re on your game, there’s no one better and I want you on your game, I’ve got a reputation for being a tag specialist to hate while I try to uphold it…”
A couldn’t help but chuckle at that; when we first found out we were gettin’ booked as a tag team wi’out bein’ asked whether we were alrate wi’ it, Autumn weren’t best impressed to say the least, an’ while she warmed to it in’t end, as we both did, it weren’t summet she were keen to explore in’t beginnin’. She were rate though; her an’ Gibbles held them belts for a long fuckin’ time, an’ that left us wi’ a fair reputation to live up to, dint it?
Watson: “Well a don’t wanna disappoint me mrs, do a love?”
She grinned an’ stood on her toes to kiss me an’ patted me on the face appreciatively before turnin’ to walk back over to the camera.
Autumn: “Alright, well we’re good to go if you’re ready?”
Watson: “No time like the present, love…”
Wi’ a nod, a walked over to the little spot on’t floor that told me where to stand to be in focus an’ waited for Autumn to hit record an’ give me the cue to begin.
[[START RECORDING]]
Watson: “Question for ya folks, an’ for those slow of thinkin’ out theer, it’s a fairly simple’n so shouldn’t hurt too much… ‘ave you ever, at any point in ya lives, thought to ya sen, “man, a just don’t gi’ a fuck anymore”? Think a’bart it for a minute, in yer mundane, borin’ lives, a’ve yer ever been in a situation where ya just can’t be fuckin’ bothered anymore, whether it’s ya crappy relationship or in ya shitty job, school, maybe yer failin’ calculus or freshman year at college ain’t goin’ well an’ ya just run outa fucks to gi’? ‘Course yer a’ve, we all say we can’t be fucked from time to time, don’t we… for me it’s usually when a’ve gotta listen to some borin’ cunt goin’ on an’ on a’bart ‘emselves on Breakdown, a usually mentally tune out an’ think a’bart summet else f’ a while, but nah? Well, nah a don’t need to, do a?! ‘Cause nah, a can just stop em, point at me t-shirt an’ then walk off! Save’s time, brain cells an’ human interaction, so what’s not to fuckin’ love, eh?!”
Smirkin’, a can’t help but chuckle to me self. Am a dickhead, but may as well revel in it, ‘cause am definitely no shrinkin’ violet…
Watson: “Wish I ‘ad this t-shirt am currently wearin’ last week in Des Moines, ‘cause a wouldn’t ‘ave ad to listen to Jake Starr talkin’ bollocks now he’s officially crawled outa the woodwork to get back to his usual greedy ways. A don’t gi’ a fuck if it were his hometown, havin’ to listen to his flap his gums? Nah mate, ad rather talk to Kissinger… actually, scratch that, a don’t think a would, but it’s a close call! See, if you’re fed up’a the same fuckin’ scene, the same people always getting’ what they want, the same cunts gettin’ the spotlight, that promotion, the last donut in the bakery then we’re the fuckin’ team for thee! Zero… Fucks… To… Gi'! Name says it all, don’t it? An’ a get that most’a you tosspots out there, most’a you wankers, ya wouldn’t know great talent if it slapped yer in’t face an’ said alrate mucka, am great talent, nice to meet ya, but for those’a ya who do know what good fuckin’ wrestler’s look like, there’s a space in’t hastag ZFTG club for each an’ every one’a ya! Every time Sasha proves that the apple don’t fall far from’t tree, there’s ya hashtag. Every time another one’a the faceless fuckcunt’s whines on twitter about not gettin’ what he slash she slash it deserves, slap that hashtag in theer! Jake Starr sends out a tweet pretendin’ he’s still relevant? Hashtag! Gio goes all Lewis Carroll again? Hashtag! Another member’a the Jones family shows up? Hashtag, hashtag, hashtag! The Beauty Factory can take their ForThePeople an’ shove it up Sienna Swann’s arse, ‘cause the only hashtag needed nah is for letters an’ four letters alone… Z. F. T. G!”
Usin’ me finger, a traced out each letter an’ then slapped a full stop on’t end for emphasis. Four little letters; even the thickest of wrestlin’ fans can type out that!
Watson: “But that’s enough shillin’ merch an’ sales pitches as to why ya should be takin’ note’a what me an’ are lass are doin’… say eyup love.”
Rollin’ her eyes, Autumn shook her head at me but still did as a said from behind the camera.
Autumn: “Hi…”
A did a little wink to Autumn before turnin’ me attention back’ta the camera.
Watson: “Let’s get darn to business nar though, shall we? ‘Cause last time out, standin’ in front’a this camera, Zero Fucks To Gi’ weren’t even a thing, we dint come up wi’ that until after the promo’s were filmed… it were fairly lucky that we came up wi’ it before the actual match happened, so least we had that a guess, but it felt different when filmin’ that last promo’a mine, ‘cause it were like we were forcin’ an identity on yer, almost. Me an’ the mrs, we’re married, so we’re already a team in that sense, that’s rate enough… but we needed an identity, an’ it felt like we were lackin’ one at the time. Am not sayin’ that that’s the reason why the True Love Twins beat us, ‘cause a don’t wanna make excuses; we weren’t good enough an’ there ain’t any other way to look at it mate, I hold me hands up to that. But that shit ends ‘ere an’ now. One match, one loss… an’ one’s enough! A know the say that a loss don’t hurt if ya still impress wi’ it, but am not key to test that shit, never were an’ don’t plan on startin’ nar. Ain’t no late bloomer where that shits concerned. Ya not gonna suddenly see a different Ryan Watson nar ‘cause he’s a few years older; if owt, am gonna be just as big a gobshite as a’ve ever bloody bin, only nar am doin’ so while havin’ the benefit’a experience! A used t’ be an’ underdog back in’t day, people used t’ underestimate me an’ find art why that were a bad idea once gettin’ in’t ring t’ face me… these days, every cunt an’ their mam knows who I am an’ what a bring t’ the table, so people’a guarded. The’ take care, the’ don’t go in automatic’ly thinkin’ they’ve got it in’t bag. An’ that’s summet that’s got it’s pro’s an’ cons in all honesty, but if owt a tend t’ look at it as a chance to prove a point. People walk art theer expectin’ me t’ bring it, expectin’ me to do summet special an’ try t’ guard against it… so if a get the win then it only goes t’ show that a really were the better bloke on’t neet! An’ that’s summet am aimin’ t’ prove on Wednesday when Zero Fuck’s To Gi’ have our proper debut nar that we’re officially all in on’t name!”
Watson: “An’ that brings things around to our opponent’s this week, don’t it? Team Desire two point zero, a team billed as the next best thing since sliced bread for fuckin’ years at this point, yet somehow still ain’t managed to quite live up t’ everythin’ that’s been said a’bart em! An’ am not gonna stand ‘ere an’ call em trash, ‘cause at the end’a day, am gonna be tyin’ like buggary to beat this two birds an’ if a call em nothin’s an’ then do beat em, what am I achievin’? Fuck all, that’s what… but that don’t mean am gonna heap praise on ‘em an’ blow smoke up their arse either. They say ya get what ya deserve art’a life, an’ maybe there’s summet to that, but am pretty sure that Maddie an’ Gigi wain’t wanna admit that, ‘cause if that’s the case then it must mean their career’s ain’t deservin’a success given how long they’ve bin around wi’art any! Again, not sayin’ they’re shit, ‘cause we all know that Katie Steward is way too arrogant to put her name on owt that ain’t up to ‘er standard… but fuck me, if continuin’ to try time an’ time again wi’ the same results ain’t just sheer bloody insanity at this point then am a monkey’s fuckin’ uncle, ‘cause The Brat’s weren’t a new thing when I debuted in this dive an’ we’re a good eight years an’ change on from that point nah, so ain’t it time they just gave it up as a bad job an’ moved on?! It’s almost like it’s a right of passage for any new team at this point in SCW to go up against Gigi an’ Maddie in order to test ya sens, throw shit at the wall an’ see what sticks an’ that sorta thing… an’ while a know are lass will be able to wax lyrical a’bart the mini Steward’s thanks to her personal history wi’ em, or one’a em, can’t remember which… but I ain’t had a whole lot to do wi’ em in me own career, save fer the odd match ‘ere an’ theer…”
I ‘ad t’ actually think a’bart that, tryin’ to remember when a were last in a ring wi’ either’a ‘em. It were a good few years, at any rate, but it eventually came back t’ me before too big a pause.
Watson: “Last time a were in a ring wi’ Gigi back in two thousand an’ thirteen, she beat me. Pin fall, one two three. Again, no excuses. A lost, fair’s fair. Before that, early two thousand an’ thirteen, it were Team Desire 2.0 versus me an’ are Tom. The Watson’s. We won that neet after Tom picked up the pin. We’ll call it one a piece, a think that’s fair considerin’ Maddie ain’t ever been in’t ring wi’ me other than that tag match… but wi’art makin’ this personal, them matches in’t past don’t mean owt. What matters, above all else, is this’n… ‘cause them two, they’ll want the win to prove they’re still in wi’ a shout at gettin’ what they want out’a their careers, an’ me an’ are lass obviously wanna make up f’ the loss two week back against Benidorm an’ Ibiza, the worlds best superstar dj’s… so the question is a simple’n, ain’t it: which team is better. An’ it don’t matter how good or bad the opponent is was or could be, when it comes to my ego, am always gonna bet on me self. An’ am sure as fuck always gonna bet on me wife too… so if yer wanna know where a think ya should stick ya money if ya fancyin’ a bet on the outcome, ad say it’s obvious, wouldn’t you? As for what them two think… well, there’s only one way’a addressin’ that, an’ a think it’s a fittin’ way t’ end this ‘ere video. A’ve got exactly Zero fucks to gi’ a’bart their opinion… Zero Fuck To Gi’. Nar fuck off!”
Wi’ that, a looked darn at me t-shirt an’ throwin’ caution to the wind, a did me best impression’a the very image that were on the front’a it, throwin’ the vee’s up to the camera just like little Billy on the dvd cover’a Kes, an’ Autumn took that as a sign that a were done an’ pressed the stop button right on time.
[[STOP RECORDING]]
Watson: “Well, a don’t think that went too badly, all things considered…”
Autumn: “Seemed a lot more coherent than last time at least… you’re getting your mojo back dude.”
Watson: “Helps havin’ inspiration I guess… or just havin’ zero fucks to gi’ anymore maybe?”
A shot her a little smirk an’ for once, she returned it wi’out a hint of laughin’ at me instead’a wi’ me. Takin’ that as a win, a decided not to push things an’ instead just held out me hand an’ waited for her to take it. We could upload the footage to the computer later. Time to get some grub an’ chill for a bit before returnin’ the favour an’ helpin’ Autumn film her promo. Teamwork… that’s what a marriage is, after all. Right?